The “Yes, But” Mentality
As women, we have a lifetime of mixed messages around becoming strong leaders and connecting with our innate talent and personal power. This often results in what I call the “yes, but” mentality. You instinctively know what to do BUT you don’t do it. For example, you know you should do more to get out and promote your business, but you spend more of your time in the office hoping that eventually word of mouth will bring you clients.
Why don’t we do what we instinctively know we should do? Are our reasons valid or just excuses?
Often our fears and limiting beliefs make up most of our “buts” and we sabotage ourselves by listening to these messages. They hold us back and keep us in our comfort zone.
Mixed messages relative to our professional success as women continually create this internal tug of war. We want to be successful, yet we worry about what the tolerance for our message is with our friends, colleagues, peers, prospects, and clients.
After all, we are women and as women we should be humble and polite and take the back seat. We have experienced the criticism of the Hillary Clintons of the world have received for being too pushy and aggressive. Yet all the business advice and media push calls for us to assert and promote ourselves as equals in the workplace. It’s this push and pull that creates the “yes, but” mentality.
We feel compelled to please everyone, yet we want to succeed. At some level, we are concerned that leadership positions and business success will make us seem pushy.
Can you relate to any of these “yes, buts”?
- Yes, I am accomplished, BUT it’s not right brag about it.
- Yes, I am ambitious, BUT I can’t appear to be too assertive.
- Yes, I deserve a higher salary, BUT I don’t feel comfortable asking for a raise.
What “yes, buts” do you recite to yourself all the time?
It’s time to connect with your confidence and do what you know is best for you to be successful.
No, “yes, buts”. Just a firm YES, I WILL!
What Does Your Body Language Say About You?
Did you know that it takes only four minutes to make a first impression and that body language accounts for 55% of that impression; 38% from tone of voice; the remaining 7% from our actual words? In other words, competence is only one factor in career mobility. Those women who are competent AND look and sound like a professional are the ones most likely to be successful.
Many of us are unaware that our body language sends important non-verbal messages and that other people process these messages on some level even if they are processing them subconsciously.
The lessons we learn from our childhood about how girls should behave (be polite, be humble etc) often translate into the way we present ourselves professionally.
Here are some common mistakes women make:
- Crossing your legs. Did you know this is a sign of resistance?
- Folding your arms in front of you. Are you aware that this sends a message of insecurity and defensiveness?
- Smiling inappropriately. This can send a message that you are not serious.
- Sitting in meetings with your arms under the table. Observe men at meetings. Confident men rest their elbows and hands on the table and lean forward.
- Tilting your head in conversation can soften your message and can also be interpreted as a lack of commitment in what you’re saying.
- No eye contact. This is a sign you are uncomfortable or unsure of yourself.
The overall lesson here is that we need to be aware how we present ourselves as professionals. We may be unconsciously sending cues that are sabotaging our career efforts. While we may be extremely competent and excel at our job, our body language may be protraying us as someone entirely different.
Re-discover Your Inner Child
Whenever I hear people talk about re-discovering their inner child, I have noticed more often than not that it’s about connecting with the innocence and joy of childhood. Usually the quest to re-discover our inner child is focused on incorporating more playfulness and happiness in our lives. It’s a call to “lighten up”. And boy, do we most of us need this!
I’m a business coach and I help women achieve their professional and personal goals. Setting intentions, creating action plans are all part of my coaching work. But I’ve noticed more and more lately, that the more we push to accomplish our goals, the less we accomplish unless we incorporate joy in our lives as well. Quite simply, we need to “lighten up”.
Is it OK then to set our intentions, create goals and then just let them go? No, of course not. We should do the daily work, take the necessary steps toward reaching our goals. But as we perform the tasks, keep in mind that plodding through our work each day is not the sum total of our existence. We take ourselves way too seriously. Finding ways to connect with your inner child, to incorporate joy in your life is another important part of any daily plan.
Set your intentions and visualize your success every day. If you are someone who requires structure, then set aside time each day to do an activity that brings you joy, that will give you some distance from your work. I find that sometimes these foster our most creative moments.
Think about moments in your early childhood when you experienced the true bliss of life. What were you doing? What did that feel like? How can you re-create that feeling?
It’s that feeling of joy that fuels our life energy and our success. The best path to success still includes planning and hard work, but what fuels our continual determination and productivity? What keeps us motivated and moving forward?
Connect with your inner child and re-discover that joy and you will reach your goals faster. It will provide the energy to move you forward in whatever direction you choose.
How do you bring joy into your life? I would love to hear from you.
Movin’ on Up
In 1986, an article in The Wall Street Journal by Carol Hymowitz and Timothy Schellhardt first introduced the term Glass Ceiling. The illustration that accompanied the article showed a woman in a business suit pushing up against a glass barrier. After that article, the term Glass Ceiling caught on quickly as the metaphor for an impenetrable blockade that women face when seeking leadership positions that have previously been occupied by men.
Since then, there has been considerable progress in the number of women in managerial roles, but little progress in executive leadership. Catalysts’ research in 2005 found that women occupy 16 percent of executive positions in Fortune 500 companies, up from 9 percent ten years earlier.
The reasons for the lack of more significant progress are varied and this remains a complicated issue that has been and continues to be the subject of much discussion. The term Glass Ceiling is no longer an accurate descriptor as many women have successfully risen to the top; have shattered the barrier and attained executive and board level positions in organizations.
I believe there is much to learn from the women who have achieved executive status. Their stories need to be evaluated not only on their unique skill sets, but also the cultural environment of their company at the time of their promotion or appointment. Every success story has a special lesson.
Now and again, there is a prominent success story that grabs our attention and this week it was the appointment of Diane Sawyer as the second woman solo-anchor of a network evening news broadcast. There will now be two women solo-anchors (Katie Couric being the first) on the networks’ flagship programs.
Connie Chung is quoted as saying:
This signifies that the age of dinosaur behavior in the news industry is over. The network-news flagship program has been the last vestige of the dark ages. The anchor has always been traditionally a male – a white male.
So yes. There is progress. Women are reaching top positions. When we see the progress, we need to not only celebrate each success, but we should also seek to learn what we can about each woman’s journey to help us in our own quest to climb the ladder.
Kayte Connelly, Chief Solutions Officer, Best Principled Solutions, LLC
Kayte is a leadership coach and organizational development consultant with over 30 years of hands on experience in both management and volunteer capacities. She received the 2008 and 2009 NAWBO Member of the Year Award and the Small Business Philanthropy Award at the 2009 Summit by the Philadelphia Business Journal.
Her website: http://bestprincipledsolutions.com
[podcast]http://womenssuccesscoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/8-21-09-Kayteconnelly-final.mp3[/podcast]
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