How to Create Good Conversation
This is a guest post by Brian Tracy. Author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, And Bring Out the Best In Your People
Almost all successful and happy people are good conversationalists. They have developed an ability to communicate naturally and spontaneously with almost anyone they meet.
Good conversationalists are a pleasure to be around and they are welcome wherever they go. Learning the art and skill of good conversation can help you in virtually every human relationship, both at business and at home.
In this post, I’m going to talk about some of the things that you can do to become a more effective conversationalist. As with anything worthwhile, these ideas require practice, over and over, until they become a normal and natural part of your personality. Once you begin putting these points into action, you will feel more confident and competent in your interactions with virtually anyone and everyone you meet.
There are three aims and purposes of conversation.
Aim #1:
The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people. One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating and fun. This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities. We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.
Aim #2:
The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better. In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts. This can’t be accomplished in a short meeting. Many customers will have a salesperson come back several times to converse and explain his product or service. These conversations may cover some of the same ground but their major purpose is to help the customer assess whether or not he or she wants to get involved with the salesperson and his company.
In our personal relationships, there is no substitute for extended periods of conversation in the social development of friendships and more intimate relationships. People who get along very well together have almost invariably spent a lot of time just talking about various subjects as they come up.
Aim #3:
The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between two people. This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other.
Sometime ago, I was asked to present a proposal for a strategic planning session for the senior executives of a billion dollar corporation. This presentation was to the president of the company and two of his senior executives. When the presentation was over, the president concluded the formal meeting and suggested that he and I go for a drive.
He called for his car to be brought around to the front of the company offices. We took the elevator down, got in the car and he had his driver take us to a large city park some miles away. When we arrived at the park, he suggested that we get out and walk for a while. We ended up walking for about an hour and a half, with the conversation going back and forth from business to personal life and touching on other subjects. There was no detailed discussion of my proposal, the cost of the strategic planning session, or the logistics. What he seemed to want more than anything else was to get an idea of my general philosophy and approach to life.
At the end of the hour and a half, as we got back into the car, he told me that he had decided to go ahead with the strategic planning session and that he would leave it to me from that moment onward. We then drove back to the company where we parted until the strategic planning session some weeks later. The conversation during the walk in the park had been the clincher.
Conversation Tips:
One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company. I’ve found that a two or three hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being. People who have gotten along well for many years working or socializing together in brief stints will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not even know existed.
Before you enter into any serious business or personal relationship with anyone, you should spend several hours with them experiencing the ebb and flow of sustained conversation. It’s amazing what you will learn.
Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, your ability to tell stories, and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects. Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They think that they must become better talkers.
Nothing could be further from the truth. As you’ve heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an excellent conversationalist.
The art of good conversation centers very much on your ability to ask questions and to listen attentively to the answers. You can lace the conversation with your insights, ideas and opinions, but you perfect the art and skill of conversation by perfecting the art and skill of asking good, well worded questions that not only make the conversation go in the direction you want, but it gives other people an opportunity to express themselves.
Author Bio
Brian Tracy, author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, and Bring Out the Best in Your People, is one of the top business speakers and authorites in the world today. He has spoken in almost every city in the US and Canada, and in 58 other countries. He addresses more than 250,000 people worldwide each year. He has written 50 books and produced more than 500 audio and video learning programs on management, motivation, and personal success. He is the president of Brian Tracy International as well as Business Growth Strategies, which is the preeminent Internet business learning portal in the world today. He lives is Solana Beach, California.
For more information please visit http://www.briantracy.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter
How to Use Social Referencing to Your Advantage
I recently read Ellen Galinsky’s article in Harvard Business Review, “Getting Beyond Fear”. The author refers to a situation in which a woman is about to make her first presentation to her Board of Directors on the importance of diversity in the workplace. She is confident about her presentation, but when she enters the boardroom and sees all the serious faces, she immediately loses that confidence. She is interpreting their facial expressions and making assumptions that they will not be receptive to her ideas. This is an example of social referencing.
Social referencing is the ability to search for and to use social signals to guide one’s behavior in a new situation.
Galinsky makes the point of saying that even if one is “well prepared, if others aren’t supportive, our confidence is affected.”
What is the best approach then to introduce new ideas to a group when we are unsure of their position?
My suggestion is to set up individual meetings with the board members ahead of time to acquaint them with your agenda and solicit feedback. Building consensus beforehand helps your confidence and ability to present new ideas. Try to find at least one champion in the group; someone who will support you in your efforts to present and implement new concepts.
One person nodding their head favorably will not only give you confidence to introduce your ideas, but will affect the receptivity of the rest of the group. This is a good way to have social referencing work for you. It often only takes one person’s body language or outward approval to affect the overall behavior of the group.
You Gotta Crow: The Benefits of Bragging
Do you remember Peter Pan telling Wendy “I’ve Gotta Crow”? Wendy says to him, “Oh Peter, you’re so conceited”, and he replies with his song:
It’s just that I am what I am
And I’m me!
I look at myself
And I see in myself
All the wonderful things that I am
If I’m pleased with myself
I have ev’ry good reason to be.
What do you see in your mirror? My guess is your focus in more related to your perceived flaws that “all the wonderful things” that are unique and wonderful about you.
That being said, I think that somewhere deep down we all understand that we do have wonderful things to brag about, but we bury them because bragging is not acceptable in our society, especially for women. Sometimes we bury the positives so well it’s difficult to uncover them. The consequence is that we become disconnected to our positive qualities and more connected to what we consider to be our weaknesses. Just ask any woman to talk about her weaknesses and see how long she can discuss the topic versus her difficulty acknowledging her accomplishments.
Of course, this is all intimately related to self promotion. It is vitally important to stay connected to your value and believe in yourself in order to promote yourself.
How do you do that?
Well, maybe we should all practice bragging!
I’m not saying that we should brag in public because I know that often backfires. What I am recommending is that you practice bragging to yourself. Every day find at least one thing to “crow” about. In fact, put bragging on your to do list. Brag a little, pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments and all your unique qualities.
One daily dose of bragging will boost your immune system and self confidence, and help you stay intimately connected with your value.
What would you like to brag about today? Write a comment!
Celebrating Women on Mother’s Day
It’s in our DNA. All women, whether or not they gave birth, have the innate qualities to nurture others. In essence, we are all mothers who spend a great deal of our time and energy motivating, supporting, comforting, and loving those around us. These qualities are the foundation of who we are as women; how we present ourselves to the world.
These feminine traits have not always been viewed favorably in the work place. Women have often been squeezed into a box of “traditional maleness” that made us feel uncomfortable and phony. The most efficient path to success in business has always been to take on the qualities of our male colleagues and mimic their leadership and management style. After all, that was the only acceptable model.
But slowly things are changing. Traditional leadership models are changing with the increased realization that feminine qualities of compassion, empathy, listening and nurturing create well-rounded leaders who can move our businesses forward to prosper with integrity.
This Mother’s Day, let us recognize and celebrate what is special about mothers and women in general. Not only do we nurture our family and friends, but we have the unique ability to lead our businesses, country and world to a better place.
Why Are You Fighting So Hard Not to Be Yourself?
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a prima ballerina. I loved to dance and was fortunate enough to take ballet lessons a few times a week. In my mind, I was on my way to becoming a professional dancer. In fact, I took my ballet shoes with me wherever I went and offered to dance for anyone without hesitation. I had no preconceived notions about my limitations. I had the passion and talent and believed anything was possible.
But somewhere along the way, I received messages that being a ballerina was not for me. I did not have the” right” body type and certainly the lifestyle of a professional dancer was extremely challenging. The point is that all that energy and passion for dancing; all my dreams of being a prima ballerina were squashed. I no longer believed that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I began to see my life in terms of limitations.
We build our persona or our identity based on what we believe we can or can’t do. In fact, these beliefs define our lives and predict our future. We become prisoners of our own perceived limitations.
How tough would it be for you to push aside your limiting beliefs and open yourself up to a new world of possibilities?
How difficult would it be to listen to your true inner voice and find your passion and purpose in life?
In this inspiring video, Caroline Casey asks, “Why are you fighting so hard not to be yourself?” Her key message is that we pretend to be something we’re not because we lost our belief in ourselves.
Believing in yourself without limitations, without labels, allows you to be the best you can be. Are you up for the challenge?
Watch Caroline and let me know.
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