Leave Your Ego at the Door
I just got back from my Saturday morning yoga class. I look forward to this class all week to help me deal with the stress my body seems to store up all week long. I don’t profess to be a yogi. In fact, my body tends to be tight from years of running and traveling for work. (That’s why I really need this class.) But most of all, I need the lessons from the yoga instructor who tells us every week to leave our egos at the door and go with the flow.
As I was driving home from the class today, I began to think more about how difficult it is to leave our egos out of our daily activities. I was thinking specifically about self-promotion. Is it all ego driven?
My intent is not to get into a heavy philosophical discussion here, but this is intriguing to me. Yes, our ego will push us to be the best we can be; to advance our careers and take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Thinking strategically about our career can in itself be ego-driven I suppose. What I have discovered in my work with female professionals is that when they lack a strong sense of self-esteem, self- promotion is much more challenging.
I decided to find out exactly what the difference is between self-esteem and ego and found some clarity.
According to this online dictionary, self esteem is ” a balanced and unexaggerated self respect and self love. It combines a healthy regard for the self with a healthy regard for others. Healthy self esteem esteems others as equally as the self. Others are treated and regarded as respectfully as the self.”
“ Ego, on the other hand, always believes in its own self importance above the importance of others. Ego always requires outside approval, validation, and constant attention and gratification. Ego believes in its own superiority above all others. Some versions of ego insist on inferiority as a role. Both inferiority and superiority are lies though, and variations of the same theme — of feeling “less than” others.”
If you agree with these definitions, than self-promotion is not necessarily an ego-driven activity. It truly depends on what motivates your actions. It is possible that the act of promoting yourself can come from a place of healthy self-esteem. In fact, that’s the more desirable approach because when you believe in yourself, you promote yourself with authenticity. It’s this authenticity that will improve your self-promotion efforts. You are more credible when you believe in yourself. Self-confidence comes across to others as competence.
It’s when you are motivated solely through your ego, that self-promotion takes on the qualities that most of us detest. This type of self-promotion comes across as bragging and pushiness.
Lesson: Leave your ego at the door.
Stay connected with your unique qualities and strengths and promote yourself authentically. Don’t try to prove your superiority over others. Staying true to yourself and your talent will get you much more attention in the long run.
Fathers and Mothers Know Best
Things have certainly changed since the days of the television series Father Knows Best. The title of this show alone would not be politically correct in U.S. society today. I can hear the fallout now. What do you mean the father knows best? What about the mother?
But in the 1950′s, the father was often the sole bread-winner and maybe he didn’t always know best, but he was respected for being head of household and providing for his family.
It’s amazing to me how much has changed in this relatively short period of time. The Father Knows Best family has quickly faded into a memory in most households in America. (For instance, since 2005 the majority of U.S. households have not been headed by married couples.)
As women move into the workforce in greater numbers, the family dynamics change. We now see families where both husband and wife are breadwinners and each have responsibilities to share at work and at home.
According to authors Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober in their book, Getting to 50/50:
Both Mom and Dad are on the hook for the cost of raising kids, from groceries to braces, from housing to soccer cleats. The payoff? We enjoy rewarding careers and see that our families thrive – not despite our work but because of it.
This requires a new type of Dad; one who not only works, but one who changes the diapers and participates equally in family responsibilities.
I want to take this responsibility on Father’s Day to salute all the young dads who are adapting to the changing the family dynamics. These “new” dads are taking on more responsibility in the household chores and parenting and thus, they are supporting their spouses with their careers.
Kudos to dads! They are stepping up to the plate and helping women take their rightful place at the table in business.
I would like your support! Last year this blog and my website were selected by Forbes as one of the top 100 websites for professional women. Forbes is creating another list for 2011 and I would greatly appreciate your vote.
If you have found the Women Success Coaching blog valuable, please go to http://tinyurl.com/5szjk7t to nominate this blog again this year.
Thank you!!
Confessions of a Planning Addict
How many of you enjoy making plans? For those of you like myself, who somehow feel more in control if they have a plan, you will appreciate this blog and confession.
When circumstances are very uncertain (in fact, when are they really certain?), I am the master of planning. I will most likely make several plans: Plan A if this happens; Plan B in this situation, etc. Having alternative plans in the face of uncertainty, gives me solace.
But life always seems to throw us a curve ball just when we think we are in control. No matter how many plans and back up plans I create, I find that I can still be unprepared. After all, it’s impossible to foresee the future and have a consistent strategy for what life presents us.
Intellectually, I understand this and yet my desire to be in control always takes over any inclination I might have to “wait and see” what happens. No, instead I can waste hours attempting to create some semblance of order to the chaos in my life. I have a plan, therefore, I must be in control.
I really do have to laugh at myself. You know the saying “the best laid plans”. Plan after plan after plan is scrapped because one cannot possibly plan for all of life’s surprises and uncertainties.
How do I break this addiction to planning?
I know one answer is to try living fully in the present. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is a great introduction to the importance of this spiritual philosophy and the book serves as a “how to” guide as well. It was an eye-opener for me when I read it a few years ago. I was excited about the prospect of changing my focus to living and appreciating every precious moment.
But honestly, I couldn’t help myself. After reading this book, I immediately made another “plan” to live more in the present!!!
Am I hopeless?
Are You Connected to Your Value?
Think about it. When do you feel the most stress at work? According to author Tony Schwartz in a recent post on Harvard Business Review, we feel the most stress when our value is threatened.
Across more than 200 studies of the effects of stress, researchers have found that the highest rises in cortisol levels — meaning the most pernicious “fight or flight” response — are prompted by “threats to one’s social acceptance, esteem and status”.
When someone puts us down or criticizes us, we not only get upset and feel under- appreciated, but very often we move into a defensive state of mind.
To feel valued (and valuable) is almost as compelling a need as food. The more our value feels at risk, the more preoccupied we become with defending and restoring it, and the less value we’re capable of creating in the world.
Two things struck me as significant in this statement. First, are we so disconnected to our value that someone elses criticism can throw us off guard and upset us? And as a result of this disconnect, how is it possible that we become so focused on defending our value that we can actually lose our value in the process?
First let me address the disconnection. Our lives are so crazy busy these days, it’s all we can do to keep up with our responsibilities at home and at work. Everyday we are running at full speed and focusing on completing our to-do list. How often do we take the time to identify our strengths and establish a lasting connection to our value? Without a strong connection to our value, we are trying to navigate a boat through strong currents without a rudder.
Tony Schwartz suggests, “Our challenge is always to reconnect to our own core value — even when someone else’s criticism cuts deep. What that requires, first and foremost, is compassion for ourselves.”
I think we need to take this one step further and intentionally make the connection to our core value. Take the time to identify what makes you unique; your strengths. Make a note each day of your accomplishments and successes in a journal and think about what these achievements say about you. This is your value proposition. No one can take this away from you. It is the foundation of how you promote yourself at work. This is your rudder.
With this connection to your value, no one will be able to set you so off course that your only new course is to defend yourself. Stay focused on your value and even if you are temporarily upset when someone puts you down, you will be able to quickly get back on track.
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