How to Use Social Referencing to Your Advantage
I recently read Ellen Galinsky’s article in Harvard Business Review, “Getting Beyond Fear”. The author refers to a situation in which a woman is about to make her first presentation to her Board of Directors on the importance of diversity in the workplace. She is confident about her presentation, but when she enters the boardroom and sees all the serious faces, she immediately loses that confidence. She is interpreting their facial expressions and making assumptions that they will not be receptive to her ideas. This is an example of social referencing.
Social referencing is the ability to search for and to use social signals to guide one’s behavior in a new situation.
Galinsky makes the point of saying that even if one is “well prepared, if others aren’t supportive, our confidence is affected.”
What is the best approach then to introduce new ideas to a group when we are unsure of their position?
My suggestion is to set up individual meetings with the board members ahead of time to acquaint them with your agenda and solicit feedback. Building consensus beforehand helps your confidence and ability to present new ideas. Try to find at least one champion in the group; someone who will support you in your efforts to present and implement new concepts.
One person nodding their head favorably will not only give you confidence to introduce your ideas, but will affect the receptivity of the rest of the group. This is a good way to have social referencing work for you. It often only takes one person’s body language or outward approval to affect the overall behavior of the group.
You Gotta Crow: The Benefits of Bragging
Do you remember Peter Pan telling Wendy “I’ve Gotta Crow”? Wendy says to him, “Oh Peter, you’re so conceited”, and he replies with his song:
It’s just that I am what I am
And I’m me!
I look at myself
And I see in myself
All the wonderful things that I am
If I’m pleased with myself
I have ev’ry good reason to be.
What do you see in your mirror? My guess is your focus in more related to your perceived flaws that “all the wonderful things” that are unique and wonderful about you.
That being said, I think that somewhere deep down we all understand that we do have wonderful things to brag about, but we bury them because bragging is not acceptable in our society, especially for women. Sometimes we bury the positives so well it’s difficult to uncover them. The consequence is that we become disconnected to our positive qualities and more connected to what we consider to be our weaknesses. Just ask any woman to talk about her weaknesses and see how long she can discuss the topic versus her difficulty acknowledging her accomplishments.
Of course, this is all intimately related to self promotion. It is vitally important to stay connected to your value and believe in yourself in order to promote yourself.
How do you do that?
Well, maybe we should all practice bragging!
I’m not saying that we should brag in public because I know that often backfires. What I am recommending is that you practice bragging to yourself. Every day find at least one thing to “crow” about. In fact, put bragging on your to do list. Brag a little, pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments and all your unique qualities.
One daily dose of bragging will boost your immune system and self confidence, and help you stay intimately connected with your value.
What would you like to brag about today? Write a comment!
Owning Our Success
Women are well positioned today to change workplace dynamics and use their strength and talent to assume more leadership positions. Thirty four percent (34%) of American women between the ages of 25 and 34 have bachelor degrees compared to 27% of men, and women have higher GPA’s and are more likely to receive higher graduate degrees.
We have what it takes to make significant changes, but we need to own our success to move forward. The reality is that currently women only hold 18% of top leadership positions. Yes, there is still gender bias as well as challenges balancing work and family for women who want to advance their careers. I believe it’s time, however, to change the focus from the obstacles to the opportunities. It’s time to take responsibility for our own advancement.
In 2010, McKinsey and Company published a report called “Women Matter 2010. Women at the Top of Corporations: Making it Happen.” As part of their research they asked 1500 executives across different industries what are the biggest barriers to increasing gender diversity within the top management of the company? Thirty eight percent (38%) of the women executives interviewed said they see the biggest factor as their hesitancy to promote themselves. In other words, the biggest factor was within their control to change!
It’s time to focus on what we can control; what we can do personally to own our own success and promote ourselves.
What does it take to own your success?
- Belief in yourself and an understanding of your value proposition.
- Taking credit and acknowledging your accomplishments.
- Speaking up and letting others know your opinion and thoughts.
- Advocating for yourself. Requesting sponsorship.
- Negotiating what’s fair and appropriate in salary and benefits.
- Letting go of language that minimizes and sabotages your credibility.
- Communicating your value to others.
- Being visible within your organization and community to showcase your skills and talent.
- Building and leveraging relationships that will assist you to reach your goal.
- Having a strategic and intentional focus to advance your career.
We need to own our success to be successful.
Embrace it.
Believe it.
Nurture it.
Communicate it.
Celebrate it.
Take advantage of my FREE 7 Day Boot Camp on Promoting Yourself for Career Success. Sign up on my home page. or on the right sidebar!
Can Our Strengths Also Be Our Weaknesses?
One of the exercises in my GPS Your Career workshop is to identify characteristics that differentiate you and contribute to your success. Last week when I delivered this workshop at MIT, someone asked the question, “What if your strengths are perceived by some people as a weakness?”
Here was the example given: I am a results driven aggressive business woman and this has contributed to my successful career, yet some of my colleagues view my aggressiveness as overbearing and pushy.
First of all, let me say that other people’s perception should not take away from the fact that you are successful because of these characteristics. The real question is do they recognize that these qualities contribute to your business success? Do they respect your track record of achievement? They may not “like” you because of their own feelings about successful women in business, aggressive women, perhaps their own insecurities. You should not discount your value proposition because of their feelings.
Secondly, when you are communicating your value proposition, it’s important to tailor your message to the recipient. Find out what motivates them, drives them, pushes their buttons. If you discover that someone may be uncomfortable with the way you are describing yourself, modify it but keep the core of the message the same. Think of other ways to describe yourself. Maybe you don’t use the adjectives “aggressive” and “results driven”. Instead stress your competence, your track record of meeting and exceeding expectations.
Always put a positive spin on what you bring to the table and keep in mind what you want the other person to think about you. Then think about what will resonate with them for the maximum impact based on what you know about them.
To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. ~ Tony Robbins
10 Common Communication Mistakes
As kids, we played the game of telephone and thought it was funny to hear how the original message changed as it was passed along from one person to another. In business, no one laughs when communication fails, and projects and teams fall apart as a result. Direct and clear communication is the key to success.
Here are some of the common mistakes we make communicating internally with our colleagues and team as well as externally to clients.
1. We make assumptions.
This is a big mistake that we are all guilty of at times. We assume we know the way someone else thinks or feels, and therefore, we don’t bother to fully explain or to ask questions to find out their opinion. We end up jumping to conclusions that can result in miscommunication, hurt feelings, and distrust. I have witnessed this contribute to lost sales and relationships.
2. We don’t tailor our message to the recipient.
One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to communication. If you want your message to stick, it’s important understand what’s important to the individual you’re speaking with and tailor your message to that individual based on what you know about them. For instance, are they a direct no-nonsense type? Then make your message short and to the point. If they require justification and back up, be prepared with data and statistics to support your message.
3. We don’t give timely responses or feedback.
It’s difficult for many of us to give feedback and constructive criticism so we often procrastinate and think that if we wait, it won’t be as difficult. Often, our procrastination makes it much more challenging when we finally get the courage to address issues. The feedback can also lose its impact if it’s given too late.
4. We aren’t assertive.
We hesitate to use assertive communication either because we don’t understand its value or we don’t have the confidence to state our opinion or reaction to something. When we can clearly state how we feel or what we think about an issue, it avoids a lot of wasted time and emotional energy. With assertive communication, you are focused on your reaction only and not casting any judgment or blame with another party. This often diffuses any potential disagreements.
5. We rely on others to deliver our message.
Here we go back to the telephone game. It’s common to use other people to convey our message. We think this is the easier path and hope that the person we are directing the message to eventually receives it. Of course, just like the game, the message and intent are often misconstrued. Direct communication is the only way to ensure that your exact message is delivered to the correct person.
6. We avoid confrontation.
Confrontation isn’t necessarily a bad thing when handled properly. Because many of us have negative feelings about confrontation, we try to avoid it at all costs. This usually results in longer range problems that can sometimes blow up unnecessarily.
7. We don’t listen.
Listening is paramount for good communication. If we are talking just to hear ourselves talk, that’s a monologue not a conversation. Active listening requires a focused effort to hear what the other person is saying and perhaps what they are not saying.
8. We don’t show respect for others.
Nothing ends a conversation faster than a disparaging comment. Show respect by listening and acknowledging other people’s opinions, even if you don’t share those opinions. Respect is the foundation for open and direct communication.
9. We rely on email or tweets when face to face communication is appropriate.
There are some conversations that must be held face to face. Sending an email or tweet to someone in hopes that they will understand your message and intent is not productive and can often lead to misunderstanding.
10. We don’t think before we respond.
How many times have we said something we later regretted because it was an emotional response and we didn’t give ourselves the time to calm down? Quick emotional reactions are usually a mistake especially in the business environment. The purpose of the communication gets lost and what we end up remembering are the emotional consequences.
I’m inviting YOU to communicate with me. Let me know if you have any more you’d like to add to the list or what your thoughts and comments are about the post.
Advocate for an Advocate
A recent Catalyst study demonstrates that mentoring does not help career advancement to the degree that sponsorship does. Mentoring is defined as career advice and guidance and sponsorship is advocacy. Usually sponsors have more senior positions than mentors, and it is their responsibility to advocate for an individual and pull them up the ranks to a top level position in the company. The study shows that men receive more sponsorship than women and this has a direct relationship to the number of men promoted to top positions. Women receive more mentoring and, in fact, are sometimes “mentored to death” with no upward mobility.
The recommendation from Harvard Business Review and Catalyst is for organizations to adopt formal sponsorship programs similar to IBM Europe. Companies now understand the impact of diversifying their talent pool, especially in leadership roles.
However, the companies that have formal sponsorship programs are few and far between.
High performing women need to take control of their own career advancement. They need to advocate for an advocate or sponsor. They need to be their own PR specialist every day.
Here are some suggestions:
- Be proactive, intentional, and strategic. Communicate your intention to advance your career.
- Let others know within the organization that you are seeking a sponsor. Your mentor might be able to help identify and facilitate this.
- Create visibility and credibility for yourself in the organization.
o Take on high profile projects.
o Make sure your position has P&L responsibility.
- Identify your value proposition. What do you bring to the table?
- Develop your web of influence (key stakeholders, decision makers, influencers, connectors) to assist you in reaching your goal.
o Build and leverage these relationships.
- Learn to communicate your value.
o Talk about what you bring to the table and tie it to business outcomes and results for maximum impact.
- Broaden your influence outside the company.
o Develop your subject matter expertise through social media, community organizations and board positions.
Here’s the bottom line: you need to take control of your career. If you have the goal of sitting in the C-Suite, start by communicating this goal to others and find out how you can get a sponsor to take you under his/her wings and move you up the ranks. You need to advocate for an advocate and create the visibility and credibility within the organization to get recognized and rewarded.
Need some help promoting yourself at work? I have 2 new programs designed to help you connect with your value and talent and communicate your unique value proposition to others to move up the corporate ladder.
It takes more than talent and hard work to get ahead, especially in this busy business environment. If you want to get promoted, you need to take control of your own career and learn how to differentiate yourself.
Both the Executive Mentor Program and the Private Coaching Program for Mid Level Managers can help you tackle your inner barriers to success as well as the external cultural barriers of your work environment.
Don’t waste any more time waiting to be recognized when you have the ability to move your own career forward. One-on-one coaching from an executive coach gives you the attention and focus to improve your leadership and management skills as well as your ability to promote your talent.
Have You Asked for a Promotion?
According to Donald Asher, author of Who Gets Promoted, Who Doesn’t and Why, “Bosses assume that any employee who doesn’t ask for more is satisfied with his job.”
If this is accurate, which I suspect it is, why don’t we ask about opportunities to move up?
Our hesitancy to ask for a promotion is more than likely related to our overall fear of self promotion. When we contemplate asking for a promotion, that nagging voice in our head chimes in with, “Who do you think you are?”, “Do you really think you’re worthy of a promotion?” “Your boss will laugh at you!”, “Aren’t you full of yourself?”
Do any of these negative questions sound familiar to you?
It’s time to put aside the negative self talk and focus on your talent and what you bring to the table. Listening to the negative self talk is sabotaging your career and can very well stand between you and a promotion.
Has it every dawned on you to be proactive and take control of your career?
Has it very occurred to you to ask for a promotion?
In preparation for a conversation with your boss, I recommend you do a bit of homework.
- Write out your value proposition and accomplishments.
- Describe how the work you do benefits the organization and your boss or department in particular.
- Make it clear in your request for a promotion that it has nothing to do with not liking your boss. State up front that you enjoy working with him/her and love the organization and are interested in new opportunities to rise to the next level.
- Ask for information about new opportunities and what, if anything, you need to do to move up. Determine if you need additional skills or if you need to enlist allies within the organization to support your promotion.
- Once you set your sights on a specific position, put a strategic action plan in place to communicate your value proposition to the key influencers and decision makers.
If advancing your career is what you want, you need to take action. Don’t assume that your boss knows that you are interested in moving up. Asking about new opportunities will lead to a dialogue about what is available and what you need to do to get promoted.
Join me for a free call, this Thursday, December 8th to help you communicate your value to others to get that promotion or get new clients. Using Benefit Language to Sell Your Way to Millions or Hit the Top Rung.
For more information and registration, click here.
You Scratch My Back and I’ll Scratch Yours
The Glass Hammer had an article this week called “Ask the Right Career Questions. Now“. This article speaks to the fact that men are better at networking to get ahead.
Men learn at a young age the concept of reciprocity – “You scratch my back – I’ll scratch yours. which helps them make casual connections that are overtly transactional, yet powerful, because both parties benefits.
Why can’t women learn this as well? We are great at relationship building, but not so great at leveraging those relationships to advance our careers or build our businesses. We are generous with our time. We graciously give away lots of valuable information and services, but when it comes to asking for something in return, we stop. Something holds us back from asking for anything in return. Is it that we don’t like to impose? Are we afraid to ask because we fear they answer will be “no”? or do we assume that people will automatically reciprocate?
The next time you are engaged in conversation with someone and are tempted to give them some valuable information or offer to introduce them to someone they would benefit from knowing, STOP. Stop and think about what you might ask for in return.
I would be happy to introduce you to Jane. I think she would be a valuable resource for you. I understand that you have worked with John Smith. Would you mind making this introduction for me? I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
It’s that simple. No one will turn you down in this type of situation unless for some reason they can’t make the introduction. If they cannot do this for you at this point in time, make sure you ask for another introduction or favor in return.
We can learn reciprocity too. The problem is we just don’t ask.
Now I’ve given you a valuable bit of advice, that can help you leverage your relationships to promote yourself and your business. I’m going to ask now for something in return!
Please help me push my upcoming FREE teleclass on Using Benefit Language to Sell Your Way to Millions or Hit the Top Rung. This FREE call is Wednesday, December 8th, 8-9pm Eastern, 5-6pm Pacific time.
This call will teach entrepreneurs and career professionals critical information on:
- How to use benefit language to kick up your sales or promote yourself at work.
- How to turn your pitch into a compelling persuasive message to attract clients.
- How the use of benefit language can dramatically improve your personal brand and reputation at work to propel your career forward.
Click here for more information and registration.
Please do your friends and colleagues a favor, and pass this info along to them!
Thanks!
The $500,000 Mistake
How would you feel if you lost $500,000? $500,000 can buy a lot.
Visualize what $500,000 could mean for you. One half million dollars is more than enough to buy a house. It’s a nice chunk of change to squirrel away in a retirement account that will yield you even more money. $500,000 can mean financial independence and security.
I am asking you how you feel about losing this amount of money because women walk away from the potential of earning $500,000 over the course of their lifetime by their failure to negotiate better salaries.
In her latest book, No Excuses, and during her interview on Head over Heels this week, Gloria Feldt discussed the consequences of women being poor negotiators. She quantified the amount of potential income we lose ($500,000) as a result of not being skillful in negotiating for ourselves.
When we begin our careers, if we don’t negotiate a good starting salary, the impact is substantial over time. The salary of our first position is an important first step that is often the basis of future compensation. The reality is that it is more difficult later in your career to make up for the lower initial salary.
What can we do with this information?
First of all, just knowing the consequences of our poor negotiation skills is powerful. It’s one thing to read statistics that say that female managers earn 81 cents to the dollar of their male counterparts, and quite another to understand the long range consequences. So thank you, Gloria!
How can we learn to negotiate better for ourselves?
How can we change our mindset to step into our power; to have the confidence to stand up for ourselves?
One method Gloria suggests in her book is to remind ourselves that a better income is not just for ourselves, but for our family as well. She suggests that women will better align themselves to this purpose and, therefore, feel more comfortable and determined to ask for more money. She tells the story of how she was guilty of this herself, and during her own career, she graciously accepted whatever salary was offered with the position. She did learn, however, that men had applied for the same job, were offered more money, and still turned down the job as not having adequate compensation. It never dawned on her to ask for more money at the time.
I think it really boils down to having the confidence in the value you bring to the organization. Staying connected to your values and talent is the key.
What are your strengths?
What have been your accomplishments?
Journalling all your successes and periodically reviewing your entries can help build your confidence. Write down what these successes say about you. Use these statements as your personal affirmations.
Use your success journal documentation as the basis for your performance review, requests for promotion, as well as salary reviews and job interviews.
Use your personal affirmations to fuel your passion, energy, and courage to step up and negotiate the best possible salary. The consequences of not doing this…a potential $500,000 mistake!
Do You Need to Fake it to Make it?
Do you know that low self-esteem can sabotage your career success? In a recent article in Forbes Woman, author Laura Sinberg states that people with low self-esteem often unconsciously sabotage their careers. Sinberg quotes Lois Frankel, PhD, author of Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office.
People with low self-esteem often try to remain under the radar screen because they don’t want to be noticed, but especially in this economy, that is the wrong thing to do.
This quote caught my attention because the focus of my coaching for professional women is to help them create visibility and be on the radar screen of key influencers at work. This is critical for career advancement.
The article also states that, in general, we tend to make assumptions about people who exhibit behavior associated with low self-esteem. One common assumption is that they are not very intelligent. We make these assumptions based on the fact that these people seldom speak up in meetings and if they are called on, they are timid and don’t readily express an opinion.
Other self-sabotaging behavior that is associated with low self-esteem is not asking for raises or promotions. It’s easy to see how all this can negatively impact your career.
Sharon Fontain, who is an expert in self-esteem, states that self-esteem can be learned through the practice of positive self talk.
What you’re doing is working with the unconscious mind, which is extraordinarily powerful and extremely stupid. In other words, it is perfectly within your power to fool your unconscious mind, allowing you to banish low self-esteem for good.
Wow! that’s great news. A regular practice of positive self talk can actually boost your self-esteem. If you feel you are in this category and are victim of negative thoughts about yourself and your ability, it’s time that you did something about it before it dramatically affects your career.
Notice when negative thoughts come up and think of a positive thought to replace it. Practice the positive thought over and over, until you can “fool” your brain. For example, “I will never make it in the company” can be replaced with “I am talented and have a great deal to offer this company. I know that I have the capability to succeed at whatever I attempt”. See how it works?
Make a conscious effort to speak up in meetings with confidence, offer your opinion, volunteer for special projects and other initiatives in the company to make yourself more visible.
Lois Frankel recommends you go one step further and fake it.
Fake it until you make it. This will not only convince your superiors, but it will also help you rejigger your thought processes.
What do you think? Does it work to fake it until you make it?
Listen to my Head over Heels Radio interview with Lois Frankel to learn more ways women unconsciously sabotage their careers and advice on how we can modify our behavior to better position ourselves for advancement.
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