The Language of Power
In her book, No Ceilings, No Walls, author Susan Colantuono says:
As essential as it is to understand the business of business, it is necessary but insufficient. You not only have to have business strategic and financial acumen, you must also be able to demonstrate it by using the language of power.
Susan talks about the language of power being the language of outcomes and the importance of stating clear business objectives and outcomes to demonstrate the power of your solutions, ideas, goals.
I think that there is, however, a universal language of power that women need to embrace to advance their careers and be successful in any business. We, as women, tend to “skirt” around powerful language.
Case in point, I was at a training class a couple of weeks ago and the presenter, who was exceedingly qualified, stood up to start her presentation with what I think is close to an apology. She said…”well, I just have some handouts here”. OK. Most people probably didn’t even tune into this, but since this is my area of expertise, I could not help but notice. “Just have some handouts”? Why did she feel the need to apologize for her work? It’s almost as if she thought she was putting us out in some way by giving us handouts.
But we all do this all the time. We apologize more than necessary. We use words that diminish or weaken our statements or points of view.
In her book, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Lois Frankel dedicates a chapter, “How You Sound”, to this topic. Lois writes specifically about using minimizing words such as “just”.
She says,
Minimizing Words are those that diminish the importance or size of an achievement.
Lois emphasizes the point that if we want to be taken seriously, we need to drop these minimizers.
Here’s my point: You can do your homework and create an impactful message and an action plan on how best to increase your credibility and visibility in your workplace, but if you continue to use language that weakens your position, you won’t get the results you desire.
Be conscious of the words you choose. Listen carefully to other women at work and be mindful if they are guilty of the same self-sabotaging behavior. Tactfully let them know the affect it has on their overall message and professional image.
Once you increase your own sensitivity to this, you will be able to change your behavior, delete the minimizers, and use more powerful language to strengthen your message instead of weaken it.
Tune into Head over Heels Radio on Tuesday, August 3rd to hear Susan Colantuono discuss how to use the language of power and other skills that women need to know in order to advance their careers.
Also, you can hear Lois Frankel discuss this as well on Head over Heels archived show, November 10, 2009.
Does Your Nose Get Out of Joint?
Yesterday I attended a meeting for a local organization and we were discussing business as usual when a colleague of mine made the comment that someone’s “nose was out of joint” because of a certain interaction that had occurred earlier in the week. That got me thinking. What was the origin of this idiom and what actually happens when someone’s nose is out of joint?
It turns out that the earliest form of this idiom was first recorded in 1581, and the description is to “be upset or irritated, especially when displaced by someone”. Your “nose is out of joint” when the look on your face and the way you act shows other people that you are upset. Although a nose cannot actually be “out of joint”, a person who is upset may have a strange look on their face until they recover.
So that leads me to another question. How do you react when you are upset with something that someone did or said to you? Does your nose get “out of joint” or are you able to clearly communicate verbally why you are upset?
I think we tend to suffer in silence. When someone says something to us that upsets us, we internalize it and don’t verbally respond, at least not right away. Later when another person asks us why we are upset, we might share what happened and how the particular incident affected us. If we follow this course of action, however, we miss the opportunity to give feedback to the person who caused us pain or irritation. Often they hear it from a third party and you know how that goes. Just like the old game of telephone, the communication gets mixed up and muddled.
This leads me to another question. Why don’t we give immediate direct feedback about how we feel to the person who upsets us? Why do we rely on body language to convey our message when it can be so easily misinterpreted or even overlooked?
I can offer some theories:
- We are fearful of the reaction of the other party.
- We lack the confidence to express our feelings directly.
- We don’t understand how assertive communication can benefit a relationship.
- It’s much easier to be passive aggressive and tell everyone else how upset we are than confront the other person directly.
- A combination of all of the above
What about you? How do you react when someone upsets you? Do you communicate directly to the other person how you feel or do you get your “nose out of joint”, make a little grimace and move on?
If you don’t assert yourself and communicate directly, you miss an opportunity to build or strengthen a personal or professional relationship.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
The Benefits of Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others. The verbal characteristics of assertive communication are clear, direct, and honest statements of feelings and the use of “I” statements. We feel good about ourselves when we communicate assertively, but also, we must feel self-confident and good about ourselves to adopt this style.
Often a lack of self-confidence and limiting beliefs around being assertive get in our way and hold us back from this direct approach. When we choose other styles of communication (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive), the impact of our message can be diluted or perhaps even misunderstood.
Assertiveness teaches us:
- The clearest most productive and effective way to communicate is honestly and openly.
- It is OK to be powerful (in control of my life) and self-validating (a friend to myself).
- When I act assertively, others can relate to me assertively (open, honestly).
- Listening and expressing myself are equally important
- Assertive communication is based on clear information and not assumptions
What is your communicate style? Can you assert yourself and communicate in a direct manner? Assertive communication is an excellent way to own your personal power and create the credibility that you deserve in the workplace.
