Overcoming Nice Girl Behavior
It’s our nature as women due to our upbringing to defer to others and consider others before ourselves. And we need to understand how this type of behavior can sabotage our careers; how being a nice girl result in you being invisible in the workplace; how you can lose respect and you may be perceived by others as not being competent. The nice girl syndrome will hold you back from leadership positions.
Featured Guest
My guest today, Dr. Lois Frankel, will help us to define the nice girl syndrome, understand why this type of behavior sabotages our careers, and what steps we can take to change our behavior. President of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California consulting firm, Dr. Frankel literally wrote the book on coaching people to succeed in businesses large and small around the globe and she is associated with helping women overcome their Nice girl behavior. Her books Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, co-authored with Carol Frohlinger, are great resources for women who want to win the respect and success they deserve. Sought-after as a public speaker, Dr. Frankel is among the top names of international speakers. She has appeared on The Today Show, Larry King Live, CNN, and Fox News and been featured in USA Today, People magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Drop Dead Diva creator, Josh Berman, has optioned the rights to all three nice girls books for a comedy series. For more information about Dr. Frankel’s books, speaking topics and services, please visit her website, www.drloisfrankel.com.
Listen or download the January 30, 2012 show.
13 Tips to Build Assertive Communication Skills
For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.
Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.
Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others.
It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!
There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).
Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.
- Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
- Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
- Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
- State your opinions clearly.
- Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
- Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
- Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
- Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
- Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
- Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
- Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
- Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
- Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.
My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.
She Stole My Idea and Here’s What I’d Do
My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?
I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.
I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.
Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing. It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded. If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of.. I don’t know the right word. Also your co- worker knows that it was you. Besides the work is for the team right?”
Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea. Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose. We all can get great ideas. If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”
Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.
Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth. How I made the suggestion and she stole it. He found her actions amusing. He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke. I just communicated the facts. It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile. Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“ Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.
Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”
Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!
There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.
Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”
Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like: Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis. However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday. I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”
Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”
Rebecca added this. “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better. The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”
Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”
Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!
Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?
The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.
Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.
We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.
Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.
How to Be Authentic and Climb the Corporate Ladder
For years, women in business were told to hide their feminine qualities and act more like men in the workplace if they wanted to get ahead. These days female leadership style is embraced for its collaborative approach, vision, and intuition, yet women still need to be mindful of how they present themselves and their ideas to be heard. Tune in for some valuable advice from women’s leadership expert, Sally Helgesen, on how to climb the corporate ladder and retain your feminine qualities and values.
Featured Guest
Sally Helgesen is an internationally acclaimed author, speaker, and consultant, and one of the world’s brand -name experts on women’s leadership and we are going to talk about the value women contribute to leadership positions and what women and organizations can do to take advantage of this. Sally’s most recent book, The Female Vision: Women’s Real Power at Work, explores this subject about how women’s insights can transform organizations. She is also author of the best-selling The Female Advantage: Women’s Ways of Leadership. This book was called “the classic work” on women’s leadership style. Her earlier book, The Web of Inclusion: A New Architecture for Building Great Organizations, was cited in The Wall Street Journal as one of the best books on leadership of all time. Sally has consulted with the United Nations Development Program on building more inclusive country offices and on strengthening women’s programs in Africa and Asia. She has led seminars at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and Smith College, Northwestern University and the Lauriston Institute in Melbourne Australia. Articles about her work have been featured in Fortune, The New York Times, Fast Company, and Business Week. She contributes a weekly blog at Forbes.com. For more information about Sally, visit her website, www.sallyhelgesen.com.
Listen to the January 9th, 2012 show.
How to Use Body Language Effectively in Business
Do you know that your body language can sabotage your message before you even open your mouth? This podcast will help us to learn about the common mistakes we make with body language and how we can use it to our advantage in business. It’s a fascinating topic and one we all need to know more about.
Featured Guest
My guest today is Carol Kinsey Goman. Carol is a keynote speaker and author of The NonVerbal Advantage-Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work and most recently, The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help or Hurt How You Lead. Her books are important resources for all of us who want to better position themselves in business and I’m sure you’ll agree after listening to Carol.
Carol is president of Kinsey Consulting Services. She has worked with over 130 organizations in twenty-one countries. Her work has been featured on CNN, Bloomberg Television, and NBC News. Carol addresses associations, government and business audiences around the world on this and other strategic business issues. You can learn more about Carol and her books and services at www.NonVerbalAdvantage.com and www.ckg.com.
Listen to the January 2nd podcast.
Power Tools for Success
Roseann Barr says, “The thing that women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.” This is not an easy task for most women because of the complicated relationship we have with power. Activist, author, and speaker, Gloria Feldt, joins me to discuss this relationship and give us practical tips on how to step into our power and own our talent and unique gifts. Gloria will share with us some “power tools” from her popular book, No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change the Way We Think about Power and Leadership, to help us re-frame our mindset about power and use it to our advantage in business.
Today, Gloria and I will talk about women and their relationship to power and specifically some of the ways women can “power up” to assume more leadership roles.
Featured Guest
Gloria Feldt has had an incredible career and track record of success. Former CEO of Planned Parenthood, Gloria is an activist, a celebrated author and speaker. This past year, she has been speaking all over the country about her latest book, No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change the Way We Think about Power and Leadership. In addition to her inspiring keynote speeches, Gloria now offers customized No Excuses Power Tools workshops that include bite sized practical takeaways that participants can use right away. You can check out her website for more information.
Listen to the November 28, 2011 show.
Being Comfortable in Our Own Skin
Two weeks ago, I attended a Saturday night wedding in Rye, New York. The location was spectacular. The bride and the wedding party were stunning! It was truly a lovely event. It would have been easy to get caught up in the celebration except for one thing. I was so uncomfortable in the strapless dress I was wearing, that I literally felt uncomfortable in my own skin.
Has that ever happened to you?
I think we instinctively know what feels right and authentic; what fits and what doesn’t. In this case, I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t be myself that evening.
On the flip side, when we are connected to our authenticity, to who we really are, we truly experience not only joy, but personal power. It’s like being plugged in to an energy source that can never run out of juice.
Authenticity is about connecting to the real you. I don’t pretend that this is an easy task. From our childhood forward, we constantly receive mixed messages from our family, teachers, and friends about their expectations for us and what we they think we should do. As we strive to meet others’ expectations for us, we lose sight of who we really are and where we belong.
The insecurities we have can further complicate the issue for they cause us to focus more on others than ourselves. We think more about what we are NOT, than who we are and what we bring to the table. Have you ever wished you were thinner, or smarter, or more successful? When we do this we lose our authenticity and power.
In her new book, Take the Lead, author Betsy Meyers says, “Leadership is a function first and foremost of self-knowledge and honest self-reflection.” She believes that one of the most important aspects of good leadership is authenticity.
Authenticity simply means finding “the real me” within ourselves and being comfortable in our own skin. When you step into who you truly are, you access a source of inexhaustible power. People see you as real, and that causes them to feel a level of trust and confidence that no amount of spin or PR can possibly manufacture.
This connection to authenticity is an important factor in our success. Authentic people show up as genuine and elicit trust. Like them or not, we know where they stand and we trust them. There is no hidden agenda.When we show up as who we really are, we attract clients. People trust us and instinctively know w e are genuine. When we are connected to our value, it becomes much easier to market ourselves in the workplace to advance our careers or grow our business.
Taking the time to discover who we are can take some time and effort. Once we take this journey of self-reflection, however, we will not only be much more comfortable in our skin, but will reap the benefits in long term success and happiness.
Choose the Right Mentor
Having a great mentor can be extremely beneficial for career advancement, but choosing the best mentor for you needs to be a strategic decision to ensure the relationship will, in fact, help you move your career forward.
This week LinkedIn (NYSE:LNKD), released the findings of a study it conducted to learn more about professional women and their attitudes toward mentoring. LinkedIn surveyed nearly 1,000 female professionals in the United States. The survey results, made public during the Pennsylvania Conference for Women, show that more young professionals are taking advantage of mentoring.
According to the survey, younger women professionals are taking advantage of mentoring.
- More than half, 51 percent, of the Gen Y women (females between 18-29 years old) LinkedIn surveyed noted that they are being or have been mentored by women.
- Forty-three percent of Gen X females (women between 30-44 years old) noted that they are being or have been mentored by women.
- Only 34 percent of Boomers (females between 45-66 years old) noted that they are being or have been mentored by women.
A Catalyst study in 2010, found that mentoring, especially from senior level mentors, led to advancement up the corporate ladder for both women and men.
High potentials with current mentoring relationships received significantly more promotions.
The important point from the Catalyst study was that those high potentials with mentors at the CEO or senior executive level, or whose mentors were at higher levels than they were (i.e., supervisor level or above) received more promotions.
Women who had mentors at the top got promoted at the same rate as men who had mentors at the top.
Men were more likely to choose higher level mentors who advocated for them within the organization and acted as sponsors. These men, therefore, were more likely to get promoted. The women who had mentors at a lower level within the organization did not receive the same sponsorship and thus, were not able to advance their careers to the same degree as the men.
In their survey, LinkedIn also asked the women who had never mentored another professional why, and sixty-seven percent of those respondents said they have never been mentors because, “no one ever asked”.
If you are serious about your career consider finding a mentor.Think strategically about your career goal and choose a mentor who can best help you advance your career and who has the ability to sponsor you within the organization and then ASK!
The Next Challenge: Toppling the Invisible Barriers That Hold Women Back
If you have an interest in advancing women’s leadership in the corporate sector or perhaps advancing your own career, you should read McKinsey’s latest report, Changing Companies Minds about Business.
This important report speaks to the fact that there has been little progress of women to senior leadership and board positions in corporate America despite what appear to be significant initiatives to do so.
What are we missing? Why despite a solid business case tying women’s leadership to improved bottom line performance are we still stuck? Is anyone listening?
There is still much to do to change the invisible barriers that still exist and according to the McKinsey report, it’s not an easy task to change the mind set of managers that block the way for women’s advancement. Much of this bias towards women still remains under the covers.
Some companies have been successful in changing their corporate culture. Companies such as Pitney Bowes, Time Warner and Shell have taken what McKinsey calls a “hard edged” approach with specific metrics and targets. These initiatives started and supported from the top are changing the work environment with clearly defined goals and accountability. The efforts of these companies demonstrate that to affect real change a consistent targeted approach is necessary.
What can we do? The McKinsey report recommends “making it personal”.
Make no mistake. As a senior executive, you are already influencing your company’s approach. If you’re not paying attention to the issue of women’s advancement, you’re ensuring that things won’t change.
Women need to support and sponsor other women to the top.
The report also cites the importance of building a business case about the positive impact women are having in your organization, “whether hard business results or indirect results, such as building better teams”.
Build a business case for yourself.
You can take responsibility for your own credibility and success by understanding what value you bring to the organization, your contribution to business results, and learning how to communicate this to key people within your organization.
Take the McKinsey example. Do you build better teams? What that means to the organization is these teams are more productive and directly affect net income by completing more projects each quarter. Or maybe, these teams are also loyal as well as productive and therefore, are less likely to resign. This means the company spends less on employee acquisition and training.
We all need to do our part to help advance women in the workplace if we want to affect change. We also need to take responsibility for our own advancement.
This fall, I am starting two new projects to help women advance their careers and successfully navigate the corporate environment. GPS Your Career Day and GPS Your Career Group are both designed to help you uncover and understand the value you bring to your organization as well as effectively communicate your value to key people.
GPS Your Career Day is an intense full day program and GPS Your Career Group is a 6 week group coaching program. Both are limited to 10 participants.
If you are interested in learning about one or both of these programs, please email me. I am in the process now of finalizing the plans for the launch.
Revisiting the Double-Bind
Women have had to deal with the double-bind or “backlash effect” in business for decades and it has frequently been the topic of many discussions about how women can overcome this prejudice to advance their careers.
In a nutshell, this double-bind is:
To be successful, you must be assertive and confident, but if you are aggressive as a woman you are sometimes punished for behaving in ways that are contrary to the feminine stereotype.
Now, there is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business that shows:
In the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
The research suggests that for women to be successful they must simultaneously present themselves as self–confident and dominant while tempering these qualities with displays of communal characteristics.
Women who had more masculine traits (defined as aggressive, assertive, and confident) AND who could temper their behavior (self-monitor their behavior) depending on social circumstances, were actually more successful than either men or other women.
The key is to learn how to self-monitor your behavior. It is still vitally important to assert yourself confidently in the business environment. If you want to advance your career, you need to establish visibility and credibility for yourself. People associate competence with confidence so the more confident you are, the more others will perceive you as competent.
“There is no evidence that ‘acting like a lady’ does anything except make women more well liked,” O’Neill said. “Women with ultra–feminine traits, in fact, are still seen as less competent in traditional managerial settings.”
That being said, it is also important to know when to listen, acknowledge others, and work and empower your team. When your behavior comes across as too self-serving, you will get that “backlash effect”.
“The interesting thing here is that being able to regulate one’=’s masculine behavior does not simply put women on par with men, it gives them even more of an advantage,” notes O’Neill. “This shows that for women who do want success at the managerial level, the paths are there.”
This is certainly encouraging news. Yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the work place, still remains an issue for many women.
What are your thoughts about the double-bind?
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