Do You Need Stress in Your Life to Reach Your Full Potential?
We live in an age of great stress. We are bombarded daily with more information than we can possibly assimilate, and we are always connected to this flow of information with our iPhone, Blackberry’s and computers. There is no end to the information that is at our finger tips 24/7. It seems there is no place to hide either. Our personal and professional lives are now publicly displayed across the Internet. The job market is tough, the economy weak, and competition for advancement has increased dramatically with more and more highly educated women in the workforce. And many of us are trying to balance our careers with a family as well.
It would seem only logical that we should strive to eliminate the stress in our lives in order to achieve more equilibrium, health, and happiness.
I thought it was interesting, therefore, to read a recent post, Stress is Not Your Enemy, by Tony Schwartz in Harvard Business Review that states that we need stress in our lives in order to reach our full potential.
Tony says, “Subjecting yourself to stress is the only way to systematically get stronger — physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And you’ll get weaker if you don’t.”
This is the “use it or lose it” mentality that maintains that if you don’t exercise your mind and body “muscles”, you will atrophy and, as a consequence, will not be able to grow and improve.
We live by the myth that stress is the enemy in our lives. The real enemy is our failure to balance stress with intermittent rest. Push the body too hard for too long — chronic stress — and the result will indeed be burnout and breakdown. But subject the body to insufficient stress, and it will weaken and atrophy.
Few of us push ourselves nearly hard enough to realize our potential, nor do we rest, sleep, and renew nearly as deeply or for as long as we should.
The real message here is that moving outside your comfort zone can be stressful, but it also allows you to increase your skill set to advance your career. Stretching yourself to take on new responsibilities at work, volunteering for high profile projects, speaking up in meetings and voicing your opinions when you’d rather keep silent can certainly be stressful, but if you want to get out of the trenches and move your career forward, it’s important to take the leap even though it gives you some anxiety initially.
Tony Schwartz’s point is that we need to do these things to grow personally and professionally but we also need to learn how to better manage our stress and know when it’s right to take a break and rest. We are not going to eliminate all the stress from our lives, but we can certainly learn to control our reaction to stressful situations so that it does not derail us.
This Wednesday, May 9th, at noon EDT, Dr. Fred Luskin from Stanford University will be my guest on GPS Your Career: A Woman’s Guide to Success to discuss the simple techniques we can all do to manage the effect stress has on our personal and professional lives. I hope you can join us.
Are You Being Stingy?
Are you being stingy?
…by not letting others know what you have to offer?
…by not speaking up and sharing your opinion or ideas?
Sometimes we are so focused on our “own stuff” and our fears or discomfort talking about ourselves that we forget that what we have to offer helps others. That’s right! Think about it. What you have to offer, whether it’s a product, a service, an innovative idea or new approach to a problem or simply your opinion, helps other people and improves their lives and/or careers in an important way.
Re-framing this as an offer to help is a terrific way for you to move beyond your fear and discomfort and focus on what the other person needs. It gets you beyond the “stinginess” factor.
How would your next job interview go if you used this mindset, understood what you had to offer and focused on how it could help the company?
How would your next networking event go if you used this mindset when meeting new people, finding out what they need and offering your assistance?
How would your next senior management or department meeting go if you used this mindset and offered your ideas and opinion?
For the next few weeks, I am offering you the opportunity to write and tell me specifically ONE way you help your company or clients (what value you offer), and I will feature your “commercial” in a new section of my blog/newsletter.
Please include your name, position, company (company website or personal website) and email so that other women can contact you.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Are You on Your Holiday List? 6 Gifts to Give Yourself this Holiday Season
I’m a list maker. Are you? I get tremendous satisfaction creating my to-do list and crossing off items as they are accomplished. In fact, I start every day with a new list that has everything I want to do for my business as well as some personal tasks. (Go to the bank, write a new blog, follow up with a coaching client, run to Trader Joes, pick up dry cleaning, etc.)
Now this time of year the list gets very complicated for not only does it all have of the above details, it also has holiday gifts for family and friends as well as a calendar full of social events. Trying to keep up with all the holiday madness on top of normal business is a challenge. I get stressed just thinking about it.
It dawned on me this morning as I was putting my list together for today that nowhere on my list is ME! And perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves this holiday season is to take care of ourselves as well as our loved ones. Have you even thought about this? What will you do for yourself this holiday season?
Here are some simple suggestions to maintain your sanity and well-being:
1. Learn to say “no”.
As many events begin to fill in your calendar, focus on your energy and make good decisions about which events to attend and which to decline.
2. Avoid the “what can I bring?” offer.
If you’re like me and love to bake and cook, you probably make this generous offer a lot. How can I turn down someone asking for my special chocolate cake? Refer to tip number one and offer to pick up something instead.
3. Outsource when appropriate.
It can be a great gift to yourself to hire someone to clean your house or do the dishes if you are having a large party. Think about ways to reserve your time and energy.
4. Keep up your exercise routine.
When we are consume more calories at one meal than we might in one month, we need to burn those calories! Plus exercise boosts are serotonin levels and helps us to maintain our energy.
5. Schedule some quiet time for yourself.
Whether or not you are into meditation, just being alone for a few minutes a day can be extremely relaxing. It helps us clarify our thoughts and focus on what’s important. Holidays can bring lots of stress as well as joy.
6. Focus on gratitude.
It’s a time to be with family and friends and a wonderful time to be grateful for all the wonderful people in our lives.
For more tips on how to keep your life in balance, listen to my conversation with Marilyn Tam on How to Live the Life of Your Dreams on GPS Your Career Radio, Monday, December 12th.
A Reason to Give Thanks
This is a guest post from Marilyn Tam. Listen to my interview with Marilyn coming up December 12th on Webtalkradio!
Have you ever had this happen to you? Where it took a physical, mental or emotional detachment or even the combination, before you could see what you really had? Sometimes we only appreciate what we have when we are away from it, or more sadly, after we’ve lost it.
As a citizen by choice of the United States of America, thanksgiving was a new holiday to me. What a great holiday! A day devoted to gathering and giving thanks with loved ones and that’s all. No gifts exchange, no specific religious reasons, which may trip up one group or another, just come together to share, celebrate the harvest, eat good food and give to thanks. I can really get behind this!
What is Thanksgiving? Most cultures have a festival to give thanks for the bounty from the earth. In my ancestral country of China, we have Moon festival/Mid Autumn festival, on the eighth lunar month to celebrate the harvest and the fullest moon of the year.
Yet it took me to leave my birthplace and be transplanted into another culture and environment for me to fully appreciate Thanksgiving. Is it the actual name of the American holiday, or is it the physical and emotional distance of being a newcomer that got me to look at the reason behind the holiday?
I am particularly reminded of this because this year marked the loss of several dear friends and my beloved mentor, Robert Muller. Dr. Muller was the Assistant Secretary General of the United Nations and the most optimistic and happiest man I’ve ever met. Since he dealt with numerous global calamities in his job daily, his bubbling enthusiasm was especially remarkable. I asked him during one of the rare times when he wasn’t surrounded by people seeking his advice and attention, what gave him that positive energy.
He smiled broadly and practically sang out his answer. “I’m so thankful to be alive! I am thankful to God for the opportunity to serve the world, to help create more peace. Isn’t it great?” He further explained how we could look for the positives and move toward them or focus on the negatives; whatever we paid attention will loom bigger and bigger in our lives.
He wasn’t a Pollyanna, but a realistic optimist who was working on the path for good. He knew that he could do much more when he was thankful for the improvements and used what he learned to work on the other issues. He was instrumental in creating the University for Peace, a multicultural and multidisciplinary University dedicated to peace education with the Secretary General of the UN as the honorary president.
So what about you? During this season for giving thanks are you focusing on reasons to give thanks? I am sure if you looked, you will find grounds for doing so. Many years ago after my husband collapsed and died on the trails while mountain biking, I was devastated. Staying in my pajamas all day was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t think or work. The only thing that helped me slowly recover was what I forced myself to do each morning.
As soon as I woke up I had to think of five reasons why I am thankful. Oftentimes I could think of only very small things, no matter, by focusing on what I was grateful for gave me the perspective and strength to get up and try again.
It’s the season for giving thanks, may you dwell more on all your reasons to give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving.
Marilyn Tam is an international selling author, speaker, entrepreneur, humanitarian and former CEO of Aveda, President of Reebok Apparel Products & Retail Group and VP of Nike and the founder and Executive Director of Us Foundation.
Marilyn wrote her books, “How to Use What You’ve Got to Get What You Want” and “Living the Life of Your Dreams”, so that others can learn from the experiences and secrets of successful and happy people and from her own experience. You can find out more about Marilyn on her website www.MarilynTam.com and connect with her on facebook
Does this article make me look fat?
We live in a culture that adores thin women. To be thin represents the ideal body image and in fact, is also often associated with success and confidence. The media worships thin “beautiful” women on the red carpet in Hollywood or in fashion magazines around the globe. For women this ideal image of beauty has been a long standing struggle.
The obsession with being thin has led to many disturbing eating disorders for women. In fact, a recent estimate of the lifetime prevalence of eating disorders is provided by the National Comorbidity Survey Replication, a face-to-face household survey of 9.282 individuals. According to this survey, 0.90% of women are suffering from Anorexia Nervosa, 1.5% from Bulimia, and 3.5% from Binge Eating Disorder. Altogether, about 9.18 million women have struggled with an eating disorder.
This battle with body image starts at an early age for females but is especially prevalent (or at least more often reported) in high school and college age females.
With this in mind, I looked for experts in this field to better understand this disorder among young women today. Eating for Life Alliance (ELA) is a non-profit organization that provides educational resources on the prevention and treatment of eating disorders to colleges and universities nationwide. I posed some questions about eating disorders in young women to ELA co-founders, Whitney Post and Dawn Hynes. I met Whitney last year at the Massachusetts Conference for Women and was immediately enamored with her passion and mission to help young women
1. How prevalent are issues of body image and eating disorders for young women today? The issue is quite pervasive; 91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, 22% dieted “often” or “always.” Also, an estimated 64% of college women exhibit some degree of eating disorder behavior. And on college campuses, administrators report a 24.3% rise in reports of eating disorder concerns among their students.
2. Is diagnosis or identification of the problem an issue? Absolutely! Eating disorders are of the most secretive of mental health issues and often go untreated because of the lack of awareness, education, and resources available. Although there is a lot of hope for those struggling, and recovery is possible with the right interventions, support and effort, it can be a challenge to get some people to treatment. According to the Eating Disorders Coalition (whose mission is to advance the federal recognition of eating disorders as a public health priority), eating disorders can be successfully and fully treated to complete remission, but only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment. And for those who do get help, only 35% do so at a specialized facility for eating disorders.
3. Why do you feel it’s more prevalent now? The big picture is that we live in a culture that sets up women, and increasingly men, for body dissatisfaction. Our culture promotes an impossible physical ideal, and then litters the media with advertisements and messages that having the perfect body will in some way solve all problems. Unfortunately, there are no advertisements for how to deal with challenging emotions that are the real issue. It is also often ”invisible” — people can struggle for a long time and still perform in their daily lives, at school, etc., but be emotionally distressed and physically compromised at the same time. And for women in particular, although some may never struggle in earnest themselves, statistics reveal that they will know someone who does, so understanding this issue and knowing how to talk about it is invaluable.
4. What is ELA and why did you start this organization? The name Eating For Life Alliance was chosen purposely for its positive focus – ideally we would all be eating and thinking about our bodies in a way that supports life, not its destruction. We are professionally and personally invested in bringing about a real and lasting change to eating and body image pathology. On a professional level, we have years of experience providing eating disorder treatment, consultation, and advocacy. Our personal investment comes from Whitney’s history of an eating disorder that started in college; in the absence of proper recognition treatment, that disorder continued for almost two decades. Dawn worked as a volunteer for a suicide hotline, and saw that a huge percentage of those calling were local college students dealing with an eating disorder. These experiences resulted in ELA’s leadership to commit to being part of the solution, by working to support college students with these issues.
5. What resources are available for young women? Excellent resources do exist – there are more and more high quality treatment facilities and advocacy organizations, and an increasing number of clinicians are being specially trained in working with eating disorder and body image issues. In addition, there is more research being conducted on causes and effective treatment. That being said, these resources aren’t available in all communities.
6. How can people get involved in ELA or access help from your organization? Visiting the website is the best way to get information. The simplest way to support ELA is to join the alliance on our site – there is no cost, it takes under a minute and it helps support our mission. Additionally, people have volunteered their expertise and resources since the beginning of ELA. We are currently focusing on fundraising efforts, and looking for advisors with expertise in this area as we build our board. We are also eager to work with individuals who may be willing to host fundraisers of any size to benefit our organization.
Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder or poor body image or perhaps know of someone who struggles with this? If so, please get them the help they need to get healthy!
If you have a daughter, what steps do you take to instill confidence and self-esteem in her?
Re-energizing My Life
Look out world! My theme for this year is to re-energize my life! And because it’s my theme for the year, any decisions I make will be evaluated with this theme in mind to determine if I am truly aligned and making choices that support my goal.
I must say that just the process of identifying this theme has already given me more energy, but more importantly, it has helped to me evaluate what in my life right now is draining my energy. I’m sharing this process with you because I feel so strongly that most of the time we don’t realize what deflates us; what brings us down. And if we do recognize it, sometimes we don’t even have the energy to deal with it.
This blog is not about being a super woman or super mom. As women we often take on too much and don’t give ourselves a break when we don’t meet our own expectations. This post is about energy. What fuels our energy? What drains our energy?
Where are your energy leaks?
1. Work
Are you doing the type of work that fuels your energy; that validates your sense of accomplishment? Because we spend much of our lives working, this is SO important. Key questions to ask yourself are:
- Do I look forward to going to work?
- Am I tired before the work day begins?
- Do I procrastinate completing projects? (this could be due to other factors as well)
- Do I enjoy the people I work with?
- Do I feel respected at work?
- Do I spend more time being frustrated than fulfilled?
2. Personal Relationships
Our personal relationships provide a support system for us, but how much of our time and energy is spent supporting others?
- Do I get the support I need from my friends and family?
- How much time do I spend in relationships that drain my energy?
- Who are the people in my life that give me energy and support?
3. Lifestyle Choices
- Am I getting enough exercise?
- Does my diet reflect healthy choices that provide me with the energy I need to support my lifestyle? (P.S. Caffeine is not the answer)
- Do I take time out for myself on a regular basis to recharge my batteries?
- Do I have a hobby or sport that I participate in that rejuvenates me?
- Is my home environment organized and functional or am I always struggling to keep up?
- Why do I live where I live? Do I spend too much time commuting? Is it worth it?
I know from my own perspective as I evaluate new work projects this year I will look very carefully at the type of work to determine if it aligns with my talent and strengths. Though it is sometimes difficult to turn down opportunities, I know how toxic it can be to choose projects that drain my energy and leave me feeling deflated in the process. I already have plans for a new website, a new radio show, a book and much more. Stay tuned!
I will look to spend more time with the people in my life who stimulate me intellectually and inspire me to be the best I can be. That’s a great energy source.
Let me ask you: What drains your energy? How can you re-energize your life going forward?
Living an Authentic Life
We now live in a transparent world. Our personal and professional stories reside on the internet and will remain there in perpetuity. Our resumes, our profiles, our photos, videos, testimonials will endure long after our lifetime.
It seems that everyone knows everything about you. But how well do you know yourself? Are you living an authentic life?
We all have core values that define the essence of who we are. Quite simply, mine are based on the importance I place on my family and friends and living an active, healthy lifestyle. Other important values are integrity, respect, good work ethic. Once I define my core values, I can ask myself how well does my life align with these values? For, in fact, to live an authentic life, I should make my decisions based on these values.
By example, I may have a choice to go kayaking with friends or stay at home and eat a big bowl of ice cream (mmmmm!) The choice that best aligns with my personal core values is kayaking with friends. If I choose to eat the ice cream instead, it would not align with the value I place on living an active healthy lifestyle. I might enjoy the ice cream, but probably wouldn’t feel very good about myself afterwards. That decision would not be in alignment with my core values; the essence of who I am.
Another example may be that you are asked to take a long business trip for your company and as a result, you will miss an important family event. You agree to go on the trip, but don’t feel good about yourself because you value your family more. (We are always faced with these types of decisions and in fact, we don’t always feel we have a choice).
The point is that in order to live an authentic life, our core values should drive all our actions and decisions. When our decisions are in alignment with these values, we are living an authentic life and feel good about ourselves.
So how do you stay on track? The first step is to identify your core values and write them down. When you are faced with tough decisions (this is unavoidable as we face them everyday), look at your list of values. Understand that you will feel the best about yourself when your decision aligns with your values. Understand also, that you may not always feel you can make the choice that is best aligned with your values. When this occurs, we are making sacrifices and don’t always feel good about ourselves as a result.
Your core values are not only the foundation of who you are, but also your best road map to living an authentic life; a life in which you feel great about yourself and your decisions.
Fathers and Mothers Know Best
Things have certainly changed since the days of the television series Father Knows Best. The title of this show alone would not be politically correct in U.S. society today. I can hear the fallout now. What do you mean the father knows best? What about the mother?
But in the 1950′s, the father was often the sole bread-winner and maybe he didn’t always know best, but he was respected for being head of household and providing for his family.
It’s amazing to me how much has changed in this relatively short period of time. The Father Knows Best family has quickly faded into a memory in most households in America. (For instance, since 2005 the majority of U.S. households have not been headed by married couples.)
As women move into the workforce in greater numbers, the family dynamics change. We now see families where both husband and wife are breadwinners and each have responsibilities to share at work and at home.
According to authors Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober in their book, Getting to 50/50:
Both Mom and Dad are on the hook for the cost of raising kids, from groceries to braces, from housing to soccer cleats. The payoff? We enjoy rewarding careers and see that our families thrive – not despite our work but because of it.
This requires a new type of Dad; one who not only works, but one who changes the diapers and participates equally in family responsibilities.
I want to take this responsibility on Father’s Day to salute all the young dads who are adapting to the changing the family dynamics. These “new” dads are taking on more responsibility in the household chores and parenting and thus, they are supporting their spouses with their careers.
Kudos to dads! They are stepping up to the plate and helping women take their rightful place at the table in business.
I would like your support! Last year this blog and my website were selected by Forbes as one of the top 100 websites for professional women. Forbes is creating another list for 2011 and I would greatly appreciate your vote.
If you have found the Women Success Coaching blog valuable, please go to http://tinyurl.com/5szjk7t to nominate this blog again this year.
Thank you!!
Are You Connected to Your Value?
Think about it. When do you feel the most stress at work? According to author Tony Schwartz in a recent post on Harvard Business Review, we feel the most stress when our value is threatened.
Across more than 200 studies of the effects of stress, researchers have found that the highest rises in cortisol levels — meaning the most pernicious “fight or flight” response — are prompted by “threats to one’s social acceptance, esteem and status”.
When someone puts us down or criticizes us, we not only get upset and feel under- appreciated, but very often we move into a defensive state of mind.
To feel valued (and valuable) is almost as compelling a need as food. The more our value feels at risk, the more preoccupied we become with defending and restoring it, and the less value we’re capable of creating in the world.
Two things struck me as significant in this statement. First, are we so disconnected to our value that someone elses criticism can throw us off guard and upset us? And as a result of this disconnect, how is it possible that we become so focused on defending our value that we can actually lose our value in the process?
First let me address the disconnection. Our lives are so crazy busy these days, it’s all we can do to keep up with our responsibilities at home and at work. Everyday we are running at full speed and focusing on completing our to-do list. How often do we take the time to identify our strengths and establish a lasting connection to our value? Without a strong connection to our value, we are trying to navigate a boat through strong currents without a rudder.
Tony Schwartz suggests, “Our challenge is always to reconnect to our own core value — even when someone else’s criticism cuts deep. What that requires, first and foremost, is compassion for ourselves.”
I think we need to take this one step further and intentionally make the connection to our core value. Take the time to identify what makes you unique; your strengths. Make a note each day of your accomplishments and successes in a journal and think about what these achievements say about you. This is your value proposition. No one can take this away from you. It is the foundation of how you promote yourself at work. This is your rudder.
With this connection to your value, no one will be able to set you so off course that your only new course is to defend yourself. Stay focused on your value and even if you are temporarily upset when someone puts you down, you will be able to quickly get back on track.
How to Use Social Referencing to Your Advantage
I recently read Ellen Galinsky’s article in Harvard Business Review, “Getting Beyond Fear”. The author refers to a situation in which a woman is about to make her first presentation to her Board of Directors on the importance of diversity in the workplace. She is confident about her presentation, but when she enters the boardroom and sees all the serious faces, she immediately loses that confidence. She is interpreting their facial expressions and making assumptions that they will not be receptive to her ideas. This is an example of social referencing.
Social referencing is the ability to search for and to use social signals to guide one’s behavior in a new situation.
Galinsky makes the point of saying that even if one is “well prepared, if others aren’t supportive, our confidence is affected.”
What is the best approach then to introduce new ideas to a group when we are unsure of their position?
My suggestion is to set up individual meetings with the board members ahead of time to acquaint them with your agenda and solicit feedback. Building consensus beforehand helps your confidence and ability to present new ideas. Try to find at least one champion in the group; someone who will support you in your efforts to present and implement new concepts.
One person nodding their head favorably will not only give you confidence to introduce your ideas, but will affect the receptivity of the rest of the group. This is a good way to have social referencing work for you. It often only takes one person’s body language or outward approval to affect the overall behavior of the group.
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