I So Deserve it!
I was on the train this past week headed into New York City to give a presentation. It was late afternoon and the train was filled with high school students commuting home. As you can imagine, there were many animated conversations going on at once. I couldn’t help but hear the conversation four girls were having who were seated across the aisle from me.
One girl was telling her friends all about her plan for the summer. She planned on doing nothing; just lying on the beach, listening to music, and hanging out with her friends. She said with great conviction, “I so deserve it. I’ve worked hard all year.”
So upon hearing her declaration, I had to ask myself how often I have thought that or said that to myself or anyone else for that matter. How often have I honestly felt entitled to taking a break or time off because I’ve been working so hard.
What happens to me more often than not is that I hit a wall. I work really hard for long periods of time without a day off and then I find myself brain dead and exhausted. Can you relate?
It would be great if I could give myself permission to take a break and feel that I truly deserve it without all the guilt. How wonderful would it be for me to plan these breaks ahead of time so that I don’t reach the point of running out of steam? When I reach the point of exhaustion, I have no choice but to recharge and recover.
I’ve often heard that the millennial generation has a sense of entitlement, but is that really a negative? This teenager was acknowledging that she works hard and is deserving of some kind of reward or break from the push and stress to perform.
I seem to spend more time dealing with my guilt than praising myself and embracing the feeling of entitlement. Is this a generational issue or gender issue or both?
Note to self: You can learn valuable lessons from anyone anywhere as long as you are open to listening (in this case eavesdropping) and receiving the lessons.
PS. I’m now planning my own summer break!
What about you? You so deserve it!
What Do You Do?
Someone told me once that the first question Americans ask each other when they meet is, “what do you do? And I’ve noticed that this is true for the most part. Whether our first encounter with someone is at a cocktail party, a networking event, or the gym, people seem to want to know what we do more than anything else. Perhaps we ask this question because we think it’s the best way to find out more about someone with whom we want to connect. But is it also based on the assumption that once we know what someone does for a living, we know a lot about them?
This is an interesting blog post for me because my coaching work helps people answer this question and the advice I give about positioning yourself and communicating your value to others is the focus of many of my workshops. This post, however, is not about how you answer the question relative to your career. This post is about the importance of identifying and connecting with who we are as individuals because, quite simply, our profession has become our identity to a large extent.
Case in point: say you have decided to leave the work force to become a stay-at-home mom. You don’t have a “job” to speak of. When asked this question, your response may be more about what you used to do rather than what you are currently doing. In this situation, we can be defensive and even apologetic because we don’t place value on ourselves outside of a job.
Now I will ask a question that I often ask my clients relative to positioning themselves in the workplace, but with a new twist. Put your resume aside for a minute. What are you all about? What are your values? What are your strengths? Who are you today? What is unique about you? What have been your accomplishments as a person not an employee?
The answers to these questions help you define yourself as an individual. These are the unique core qualities that stay with you no matter where you work or what you do.
As much as I coach my clients to stay connected to their value proposition and understand what they bring to the table, I think it is also extremely important for us to realize that this is just a part of who we are. Our jobs do not define us. Our unique value proposition is who we are as individuals and that includes what we do, but what we do does not define our identity.
The Power of Vulnerability
Please watch this video! This is Brene Brown’s presentation at the Houston TED Conference on “The Power of Vulnerability”. This twenty minute video is life-changing. At least, it was for me. We all struggle with vulnerability. No one is completely comfortable when they feel vulnerable, but Brene shares with us that being vulnerable is THE only way to truly connect with others. She stresses the importance of connection to give us meaning and purpose to our lives.
Brene believes that vulnerability is “the birthplace of joy, creativity, love and belonging”.
Her recommendations for achieving connection with others:
- Let yourself be seen; really seen
- Love with your whole heart
- Practice gratitude and joy
- Believe that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about this video.
Are You Ready for a Dazzling, Love-Filled Life?
What if you could feel like you’re in love EVERY DAY of your life? And what if you could dissolve any heartache, pain, or emptiness and experience the ecstasy of an open heart?
You can. . . by learning how to Love for No Reason.
In her extraordinary new book Love For No Reason: 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love, my friend and colleague Marci Shimoff, #1 New York Times bestselling author, shows you how to experience a deep and lasting state of love that doesn’t depend on another person, situation, or romantic partner. You’ll be able to:
- Open your heart and be a magnet for love.
- Enjoy more fulfilling relationships with others AND yourself.
- Turn off your body’s stress response and turn on your body’s love response for better health and well-being.
- Experience more success and satisfaction.
- Help your family, community, and the world.
Marci’s onto something BIG. I’m heartily recommending this breakthrough book to everyone, giving it two VERY enthusiastic thumbs up!
Get it TODAY, and you’ll also receive the exclusive “Love For No Reason Gift Package” as a BONUS. Click here:
P.S. If Marci’s name sounds familiar. . .it should! She’s the author of the international bestseller Happy for No Reason, six top titles in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, and a teacher in the hit film The Secret. Now, in Love for No Reason, Marci shares the most important life-changing message of all. I urge you to get a copy today! http://www.thelovebook.com
If You’re Stuck, You’re Going Nowhere
A couple of weeks ago, I interviewed Libby Gill on my Head over Heels Radio show about her book, You Unstuck: Mastering the Rules of Risk Taking in Work and Life. Reflecting on that discussion this week, I realized that there are so many ways we get stuck in our personal lives and in our businesses. I guess it’s part of the human condition to get “stuck in our ways”, especially as we get older.
Sometimes we get stuck because we become so comfortable where we are that we are fearful of taking any risks that might bring about change. So we stay in a job that has no potential or a job that we hate because in our minds, the choice is between the job that we have become so accustomed to and the unknown. We are frightened of the change. Needless to say, whatever the reason is that we don’t make a change, it is important to realize the consequences of being “stuck”. After all, being “stuck”, quite simply means going “nowhere”.
As an entrepreneur or small business owner, it is critical to not only be flexible, but willing to take some risks and embrace change. Any company that is fearful of change will eventually miss the boat. We all need to keep the pace of the many changes in the business world today. Think about this; if you did not embrace technology or the internet, where would your business be right now? What about social media?
I often laugh when I think about the phrase “business as usual”. In today’s marketplace, does that have any meaning at all? Changes happen so rapidly and the need to adapt and be flexible so critical, that the way we did business just last week, can be obsolete!
In my own business, I am constantly making changes to my business model and tweaking my approach, yet I still find that I get very comfortable with some aspects of my business. Consequently, it becomes more of a challenge for me to let go of certain business practices as my business gets more sophisticated. It seems that there are so many choices relative to how to move forward that it’s daunting. It’s much easier to procrastinate or vegetate instead. (By the way, when this happens, it is a good time to hire a business coach!)
Take a good look at your own business and evaluate your flexibility and willingness to change. Have you resisted any changes to your business recently? Are the reasons for your resistance valid or are you stuck because of your comfort level and fear of taking any risks?
Remember that being “stuck” means “going nowhere”.
Can You Take a Break from Work?
I did something really important last weekend. I took a whole day off! I have been consistently working seven days a week for months without a break and my coach strongly suggested that I try to take one full day off each week. Well, if my coach told me to do this and it was part of my assignment, I could not refuse.
I have to admit I was very anxious about this. If I do indeed take Sunday off, what will my Monday be like? Won’t I be even more stressed than if I worked the whole week?
I had to make a plan. I knew that if I stayed around the house, I would be compelled to look at my computer and blackberry and do some work. I know myself all too well. So I planned a trip with a friend to go to Provincetown for the day. It was a beautiful day and a perfect time for an outing on Cape Cod. We took the ferry from Martha’s Vineyard and drove the length of the Cape, listened to great music, ate a fabulous lunch at an outdoor café, and shared some small talk.
My next challenge was to not discuss business all day. I didn’t do too well in this category, but this “taking a break” thing is a process for me, and at least I was off to a fairly good start. After all, I physically removed myself from my office and work environment. (I do think I might have cheated though when I came home that night and did a little work before heading to bed. Don’t tell my coach!)
Monday morning I felt refreshed and energized and not at all stressed. It was a good experiment for me and a great lesson as well.
Sometimes our drive to be successful drives us to work compulsively. Can you relate to this? Intellectually, I’m sure we all recognize this is not healthy. I know that I certainly do, yet pulling myself away from work once a week to do something entirely different makes me anxious; a clear sign to me that this is unhealthy behavior.
I am mindful that at least once a day I need to leave my desk and my office and do something unrelated to work. I am mindful that once a week I should take twelve hours of respite to renew my energy, spirit and passion for my work. What I have discovered is that when I step away from work my creativity kicks in and I can actually think more clearly.
Case in point, for weeks on end I was trying to think of a new name for my radio show. Women Mean Business is trademarked by NAWBO and though I was unaware of this when the show launched, I did receive notice from them to stop using the name. I loved the name and racked my brain trying to think of something equally sticky and clever. I even ran a contest on LinkedIn to get more ideas. Trying to get a new name was on my mind night and day. Here’s the lesson though. As soon as I let it go and stepped away from the problem, a solution came to me. Miraculously out of the blue, the new name, Head over Heels, popped into my brain. WOW! I could not believe it. This process of “letting go” really worked.
If I can pass along any wisdom about this it is to be mindful yourself of how your drive to be successful can work against you at times if you don’t take a break and let go. Not only is it not healthy, but the consistent compulsive need to work actually stifles your creativity and is counter productive.
This is a process that I’m just beginning myself.
Well, need to get back to work. :>)
The Need for Flexible Work Solutions is Now
Sometimes I look back on the earlier days of my business career and wonder how I managed to raise two children as a single parent and still maintain and advance my career; most of all, I wonder now how I maintained my sanity and how I managed to focus any attention at all on work. I think my children, now grown and successful in their own right, turned out pretty good, and my career flourished as well, but it was not without an undercurrent of stress and guilt, and a constant juggling of babysitters and after school programs.
With this experience behind me and the knowledge that work/family balance is an ongoing challenge for most women, I applaud the White House conference on flexibility in the workplace for the attention it has brought to the topic.
The Economic Office of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers released a 35 page report , Work-Life Balance and the Economics of Workplace Flexibility, which addresses not only the need to create flexible solutions for work, but also the benefits to companies who embrace these initiatives.
According to the report, there is a greater need now for flexibility in work than ever before. Why? because women now make up almost half of the labor force in the United States. The majority of children now are raised in households where both parents work. Another key factor is that more adults are attending school.
The report also states that flexible work environments can vary tremendously by gender, race, work status, education, and industry. Flexible hours and location of work were considered.
The most impressive section of the report focuses on the economic benefits, the business case, for companies that provide flexible work solutions. These companies experience a decrease in employee turnover and absenteeism along with an increase in productivity and the ability to attract new talent to the organization.
With these types of statistics behind us, women now need to take the lead to move these initiatives forward in their own work environments. It’s time to speak up and rally the troops. Flexible work solutions benefit men and women as well as companies.
The Glass Hammer’s article on the subject provides some guidance on how best to do this from their interview with Flexpath’s CEO, Meryl Rosenthal.
Coping with Fear and Anxiety
This is a guest post from Art DeLorenzo, CFP, ChFC, CLU, MSFS, a retired Group Vice President at a Fortune Magazine top 100 firm and Frederic Luskin, Ph.D. a psychologist at Stanford University. Mr. DeLorenzo, Dr. Luskin and Dr. Rick Aberman are co- owners of MYT Group, LLC. MYT is an emotional competence development programs. Details about this program can be found at www.maximizeyourtalent.com.
Here are some thoughts and tips on how to cope with fear and anxiety to help people understand the impact that fear and anxiety have on them physiologically and emotionally and then some steps to help deal with those feelings.
Things to Know:
1. It is natural to feel anxious during financially stressful times so do not think that you are alone or that you are odd. It is natural and there is nothing wrong with you for thinking in an anxious way. A recent TV interview between Donny Deutsch & financial newscaster Larry Kudlow revealed that Mr. Kudlow was no more prepared for the onset of the recent market collapse than you and I were.
2. It is natural for the brain to create fear and anxiety. Therefore experts surmise the brain is trying to protect us by bringing a difficult situation like the economic crisis to our awareness. When in our awareness the brain is saying find a solution because there is something wrong here. You can read more about this in Margaret Wehrenberg’s book “The Anxious Brain”.
3. Psychologists distinguish between fear – which has a specific cause (the Saber Tooth Tiger finds you in the woods) and anxiety whose cause is more general and vague.
4. Anxiety creates cognitive distortions according to Myra S. White a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School who focuses on workplace performance. Cognitive distortion weakens our judgment which causes decision-making to be impaired. Bottom line – we make more mistakes.
5. When we experience cognitive impairment from anxiety we do not listen as well and instructions need to be repeated more often and our memory is weaker.
6. When we are cognitively impaired we tend to have shorter fuses and we often feel impatient.
7. When we are cognitively impaired we tend to obsess about the past and/or worry about the future both of which impair our present performance.
8. If during a stressful time like this you are not cognitively impaired, you may become so if someone else in our office has high anxiety. That occurs through a process known as emotional contagion according to Professor Sigal G. Barsdale associate management professor at the Wharton School of Pennsylvania.
9. Anxiety wrecks havoc on the body and the mind according to psychologist Dr. White.
10. According to a study released by CNN in mid March of 2009, 8 of 10 Americans are experiencing stress over the economy as evidenced by their concern over their jobs and their perceived loss of their life style.
What can you do?
1. Encourage your people to express their anxieties openly so that leaders can provide honest information about what is occurring. The leader of the group can convene a meeting so that individuals have an open opportunity to share their thoughts and fears. Set a start time for the meeting and an end time. Explain that once the meeting is over, everyone is advised that “worry time” is over until the next meeting and productivity time is at hand.
2. Be strategic about your anxiety. When you experience it, acknowledge it and then practice stress management so that you can move on. Take two or three slow deep breaths into and out of your belly and relax.
3. When you catch yourself back in your anxious spot, remind yourself that you were there before and it is not necessary to remain there. As a practice: Consider the difference between the mind, the brain, & the body. The mind controls what the brain does. So if you remind your brain, to be grateful or optimistic it will do just that. When you do this the body receives less stress hormones and your mind stays clear. Imagine then your body says to your brain, wow, less adrenaline…thank you.
4. Remind yourself on a regular basis that right now you are fine. You are healthy. Your loved ones are healthy. You have food, water, and shelter. Today, at this moment, there are no real threats to your safety and the safety of your family. Fear is not needed and you have the tools to deal with your anxiety.
5. Create a meditation and or regular exercise routine. Both produce natural mood elevators that will dispel the symptoms of anxiety according to Dr. White.
Some of this information came from a NY Times article written by Phyllis Korkki on Sunday, October 19th on page 11 in the Business Section.
Work/Life Balance is Not a Just for Women
With the advent of birth control in the 1960′s, women had a choice for the first time. They could plan their family/career path strategically. Often women started their careers and then took time to have a family. Whether or not they returned to their previous careers, they did have choices.
But with more and more mothers in the workforce who contributed to the income of the family, discussions began around work/life balance and how best to manage both a career and family. Women were still responsible for most of the childcare and housework along with their jobs. It became obvious that to do it all at the same time was a difficult, if not impossible task. The emphasis on self-care for women and work/life balance became a hot topic.
The lack of flexible work solutions, therefore, was initially focused on women who wanted options for balancing career and family. This assumed little if no participation from their male counterparts in childrearing. The lack of flexible work solutions was also tagged as an obstacle to women’s advancement in business as more and more women were forced to drop their careers to seek better alternatives than their companies were offering.
The concept of flexibility is emerging now as a gender neutral issue that focuses more on the need for everyone, male and female, to have a more flexible, healthy workplace. Flexibility is not just related to working mom stress as more and more men share household responsibilities. It encompasses alternative work solutions such as part time work, job sharing, telecommunting, on site child care. Men are now more interested in having options to take time off whether it’s for childcare, elder care, or personal pursuits.
Businesses are becoming increasingly aware that there is a business case around flexibility in terms of reduced overhead, improved recruitment and retention of talented employees. as well as the importance of a flexible work force.
To learn more about the options and benefits of flex at work, listen to my interview with Karol Rose, Chief Knowledge Officer at Flexpaths. www.flexpaths.com.
Re-discover Your Inner Child
Whenever I hear people talk about re-discovering their inner child, I have noticed more often than not that it’s about connecting with the innocence and joy of childhood. Usually the quest to re-discover our inner child is focused on incorporating more playfulness and happiness in our lives. It’s a call to “lighten up”. And boy, do we most of us need this!
I’m a business coach and I help women achieve their professional and personal goals. Setting intentions, creating action plans are all part of my coaching work. But I’ve noticed more and more lately, that the more we push to accomplish our goals, the less we accomplish unless we incorporate joy in our lives as well. Quite simply, we need to “lighten up”.
Is it OK then to set our intentions, create goals and then just let them go? No, of course not. We should do the daily work, take the necessary steps toward reaching our goals. But as we perform the tasks, keep in mind that plodding through our work each day is not the sum total of our existence. We take ourselves way too seriously. Finding ways to connect with your inner child, to incorporate joy in your life is another important part of any daily plan.
Set your intentions and visualize your success every day. If you are someone who requires structure, then set aside time each day to do an activity that brings you joy, that will give you some distance from your work. I find that sometimes these foster our most creative moments.
Think about moments in your early childhood when you experienced the true bliss of life. What were you doing? What did that feel like? How can you re-create that feeling?
It’s that feeling of joy that fuels our life energy and our success. The best path to success still includes planning and hard work, but what fuels our continual determination and productivity? What keeps us motivated and moving forward?
Connect with your inner child and re-discover that joy and you will reach your goals faster. It will provide the energy to move you forward in whatever direction you choose.
How do you bring joy into your life? I would love to hear from you.
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