Making a Difference in the World
Today we are going to hear a story that I hope will stimulate you to look inside yourself to discover what you can offer others. We are each here for a reason and we each have unique gifts to offer the world. As you listen to my guest, Jeanne Staples, today, think about what it is that you have to offer and how you can help others with your unique gifts and talent.
Featured Guest
Jeanne Staples has spent her entire professional career working in the arts. She is a full-time, professional artist who lives and works on the island of Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts, and is represented by galleries in Boston, New England and beyond. You can see firsthand the beautiful work she does on her website, www.jeannestaples.com.
She is also the Founder and Director of PeaceQuilts, a 501(c)(3) non-profit, humanitarian organization dedicated to relieving poverty in Haiti by establishing independent, self-managed and self-sustaining sewing cooperatives, and connecting them to international markets. This organization is best described in a book called Patience to Raise the Sun: Art Quilts from Haiti and their power to change women’s lives.
Listen to the May 16th show at 12 noon EDT or download the podcast.
Are You A Disappearing Woman?
I got married right after college. I had never lived on my own. I had no idea who I was. I knew that I wanted a career. I wanted a family. I wanted it all. 
Well, the family came quickly and I had two children, but then I began to feel very unfulfilled. I loved being a mom, but knew that I needed more in my life in terms of my “own thing”. I was lost and unfortunately, because I lost myself in this marriage, I ended up divorcing my husband.
I can’t be too hard on myself. After all, I saw my mom give up much of her identity in her marriage to my father. It was my role model. She built her life around him, his family, his friends and it worked fairly well. I think they had a good enough marriage, but I wanted more in my life and I had no idea where to begin to find myself.
In her Huffington Post article, author, Vicki Larsen addresses this. She quotes Psychoanalyst Beverly Engel, author of Loving Him Without Losing Yourself, who calls this the Disappearing Woman — what happens when women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them and what makes them happy just because they happen to be in a relationship.
No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up part of themselves — their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values. In time, these women find they have merged their lives with their partners’ to the point where they have no life to go back to when and if the relationship ends.
Why can’t we stay true to ourselves in a relationship? Engel says that we want to be nice because we’ve learned that being nice is important in order to sustain a relationship. Engel says,
She’ll pretend to agree when she doesn’t really agree, she’ll go along with things she doesn’t really believe in, and if she does that long enough, she’ll no longer know what she feels.
Author Larsen says,
How many women do you know who will break plans or give up a favorite activity for a guy? Not that it’s not OK to do that from time to time or for certain situations; it’s just that somehow in the togetherness of coupledom too many of us forget to have a life of our own. Instead, we look to our partner to fulfill all our needs — and get frustrated and resentful when he doesn’t. Then we see the problem as something wrong with him, and not us.
What are your thoughts? Are we just fulfilling the nice girl syndrome or is it that we don’t have a clear picture of our identity and core essence as a woman before we enter a relationship?
The Key to Success is Knowing Who You Are
When you look in the mirror, who is looking back at you? I’m not talking about your appearance. I’m talking about who you really are. Do you know? 
Many of us are distracted by external factors that we let define us; our job, our looks. We allow these things to become our identity and the way we present ourselves to the world. Sometimes we hide behind them so we don’t have to really do the work to discover our essence.
But, to get outside results, you need to do the inside work. (I just wrote that down from a podcast I listened to yesterday by Suzanne Evans.) It’s so true!
Last week the New York Times published an interview with Charlotte Beers, former CEO and Chairwoman of Ogilvy and Mather Worldwide. In this article, The Best Scorecard Is The One You Keep For Yourself, Charlotte talks about the importance of doing a self-assessment and soliciting feedback from trusted colleagues to help you discover who you are. Sometimes painful, the feedback she received helped her become a better manager and leader.
Charlotte says, “it’s a mistake to just let the quality of our work speak for itself because sooner or later the quality of your relationships will prevail over the work.”
Charlotte talks about moments of crisis. “ When those moments come along and you need to draw on resources that are internal and your personal belief system, if you don’t know what they are, others will tell you what they are.”
Self-knowledge is so obvious-sounding that I hate to use it like that, but in fact you can be masterful at doing the work and you can be good in team relationships, but one day you will be called on to have difficult, complex relationships and a different part of you has to be used for that.
Do you know what your internal resources are? Can you see beyond your reflection in the mirror to connect with your core essence?
This is the stuff that makes you unique; your unique fingerprint. This is the stuff you call on to be successful and here’s the KEY: When you know this, you can not only draw from this resource to be successful, but you can let people know who you really are and what differentiates you from others who may hold the same position or sell similar products and services.
Charlotte’s new book is I’d Rather Be in Charge and I am thrilled that she will be on my new radio show June 13th. You will be able to call in live with your questions for Charlotte! Stay tuned for more details.
If you are interested in taking this journey of self-discovery for yourself so that you can better position yourself for success, please sign up for my next four week GPS Your Career Coaching Group or come to the live full day workshop in Boston, May 5th, GPS Your Way to Success Boot Camp.
If Nice Guys Finish Last, What about Nice Gals?
The news last week featured the results of an interesting research study from University of Ontario’s Ivey School of Business, Cornell University and University of Notre Dame. Basically, the study demonstrated that men who were “highly disagreeable” at work earned 18 per cent more (an average of $9,700 more a year) than men who scored “agreeable”. The headline in the press was that nice guys finish last, but is there more to it than that?
For the purpose of this study, “agreeableness” was defined as people who value relationships, altruism, and the good of the group over their own self-interest. This is typically seen as more feminine behavior, right? Those who were considered “disagreeable” were viewed as self-serving and aggressive.
Charlice Hurst, one of the co-authors says of the study says that we shouldn’t take all this literally, but it is important to note that the ability to stand up for yourself and advocate for your self-interests does get you noticed for promotion.
….. speaking up for yourself more often may make you more highly valued by your employer. It comes down to standing up for your interests and being more assertive in your negotiations based on what you know your value to be rather than making people happy your top priority.
She offers more food for thought. It could be that the high earning men are actually nice guys on a daily basis but are more aggressive and proficient at negotiating for a better salary. Interesting point! We can still be nice (if that comes naturally) and advance our careers by being more assertive when we need to be.
We all know that women who are aggressive and self-serving are already viewed negatively by most organizations. Being nice had less of an effect on women’s compensation with an average of 5 per cent gap in salary. The study concluded that women are already discriminated against in terms of salary and in fact, are expected to be nice, to be nurturing of others, and therefore, are not penalized further for this.
The important lesson for women, I think, is that we can still embrace our innate feminine style. We don’t need to mimic “disagreeable” behavior to get ahead. (This doesn’t really work for men either.) But what we do need to do is learn to speak up for ourselves if we want to advance our career. We can still be an advocate for our team, but we also need to know when to advocate for ourselves. There is an appropriate time for both, and knowing when to stick up for yourself is vitally important to get noticed and get promoted.
How to Use Social Referencing to Your Advantage
I recently read Ellen Galinsky’s article in Harvard Business Review, “Getting Beyond Fear”. The author refers to a situation in which a woman is about to make her first presentation to her Board of Directors on the importance of diversity in the workplace. She is confident about her presentation, but when she enters the boardroom and sees all the serious faces, she immediately loses that confidence. She is interpreting their facial expressions and making assumptions that they will not be receptive to her ideas. This is an example of social referencing.
Social referencing is the ability to search for and to use social signals to guide one’s behavior in a new situation.
Galinsky makes the point of saying that even if one is “well prepared, if others aren’t supportive, our confidence is affected.”
What is the best approach then to introduce new ideas to a group when we are unsure of their position?
My suggestion is to set up individual meetings with the board members ahead of time to acquaint them with your agenda and solicit feedback. Building consensus beforehand helps your confidence and ability to present new ideas. Try to find at least one champion in the group; someone who will support you in your efforts to present and implement new concepts.
One person nodding their head favorably will not only give you confidence to introduce your ideas, but will affect the receptivity of the rest of the group. This is a good way to have social referencing work for you. It often only takes one person’s body language or outward approval to affect the overall behavior of the group.
The Power of Vulnerability
Please watch this video! This is Brene Brown’s presentation at the Houston TED Conference on “The Power of Vulnerability”. This twenty minute video is life-changing. At least, it was for me. We all struggle with vulnerability. No one is completely comfortable when they feel vulnerable, but Brene shares with us that being vulnerable is THE only way to truly connect with others. She stresses the importance of connection to give us meaning and purpose to our lives.
Brene believes that vulnerability is “the birthplace of joy, creativity, love and belonging”.
Her recommendations for achieving connection with others:
- Let yourself be seen; really seen
- Love with your whole heart
- Practice gratitude and joy
- Believe that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about this video.
You Scratch My Back and I’ll Scratch Yours
The Glass Hammer had an article this week called “Ask the Right Career Questions. Now“. This article speaks to the fact that men are better at networking to get ahead.
Men learn at a young age the concept of reciprocity – “You scratch my back – I’ll scratch yours. which helps them make casual connections that are overtly transactional, yet powerful, because both parties benefits.
Why can’t women learn this as well? We are great at relationship building, but not so great at leveraging those relationships to advance our careers or build our businesses. We are generous with our time. We graciously give away lots of valuable information and services, but when it comes to asking for something in return, we stop. Something holds us back from asking for anything in return. Is it that we don’t like to impose? Are we afraid to ask because we fear they answer will be “no”? or do we assume that people will automatically reciprocate?
The next time you are engaged in conversation with someone and are tempted to give them some valuable information or offer to introduce them to someone they would benefit from knowing, STOP. Stop and think about what you might ask for in return.
I would be happy to introduce you to Jane. I think she would be a valuable resource for you. I understand that you have worked with John Smith. Would you mind making this introduction for me? I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
It’s that simple. No one will turn you down in this type of situation unless for some reason they can’t make the introduction. If they cannot do this for you at this point in time, make sure you ask for another introduction or favor in return.
We can learn reciprocity too. The problem is we just don’t ask.
Now I’ve given you a valuable bit of advice, that can help you leverage your relationships to promote yourself and your business. I’m going to ask now for something in return!
Please help me push my upcoming FREE teleclass on Using Benefit Language to Sell Your Way to Millions or Hit the Top Rung. This FREE call is Wednesday, December 8th, 8-9pm Eastern, 5-6pm Pacific time.
This call will teach entrepreneurs and career professionals critical information on:
- How to use benefit language to kick up your sales or promote yourself at work.
- How to turn your pitch into a compelling persuasive message to attract clients.
- How the use of benefit language can dramatically improve your personal brand and reputation at work to propel your career forward.
Click here for more information and registration.
Please do your friends and colleagues a favor, and pass this info along to them!
Thanks!
Has Our Communication Style Become More “Tweet”like?
We have so many different technologies available these days that make communication easier: telephones, mobile phones, email, voice mail, and texting. Social media sites such as Twitter help everyone stay continually informed of our every move and activity. It seems that we are always engaged in some form of communication. Often we are over loaded with messages, tweets, and emails from friends, family and even strangers. But what is the result of all this communication? Do we now communicate better than we did before all these options were available?
Social media requires a great deal of time and effort. We are always connected to social media and we also feel the need to consistently update our status. Yet haven’t we also become more lazy about our communication style? Has our overall communication style become more “tweet” like as a result?
How many times have you dashed off a quick email to a friend or colleague or even a client, only to find that the message was misinterpreted and you had to do some damage control afterward?
I’m not advocating abandoning all the new technology by any means. It think it’s wonderful. But I do believe that we have become lazy about our communication style. If you look back to the time when all this technology was not available (when was that anyway?), I think you would see that people took more care in the way they communicated with each other. Certainly, there were more face to face business meetings. Now you could say that technology saves us time and can help us to be more productive. No argument there although I think I spend more time now communicating to more people I don’t know instead of focusing my communication where it would have the most impact.
I think that’s part of the lesson here. It is important not to communicate the same way to everyone. Businesses grow based on building relationships with people. If you ignore the personal aspect of communication, how do you develop these relationships in a meaningful way? Sure it takes time. But if you focus your efforts on personally communicating to key people, I think it will have a positive effect on your business.
Think about the way you currently communicate with your colleagues and clients. Would it behoove you to pick up the phone occasionally or meet in person if possible to solidify the relationship?
When you send out emails, take the time to review your content before you hit the send button. Make sure that your message is clearly stated so there is no misinterpretation. Perhaps follow up an email with a phone call or meeting.
The content is certainly an important part of the communication, but not all of it. We need to be aware of the fact that there is also a softer message in the manner in which we deliver our communication which can dramatically affect the content.
You are reaching out to another person and building a relationship.
It’s difficult to do this with a “tweet”.
Our Girlfriends Keep Us Healthy
This article was emailed to me by a friend this week and apparently it has circulated around the internet. I was unable to find the source, but I am passing it along regardless because I think the message is important. I would love to know your thoughts on the subject.
In a class given at Stanford, the last lecture was on the mind-body connection–the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.
Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more serotonin–a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?–rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.
There’s a tendency to think that when we are “exercising” we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged–not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo, let’s toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. It’s very good for our health.
What are your thoughts? Do your girlfriends keep you healthy?
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