Overcoming Nice Girl Behavior
It’s our nature as women due to our upbringing to defer to others and consider others before ourselves. And we need to understand how this type of behavior can sabotage our careers; how being a nice girl result in you being invisible in the workplace; how you can lose respect and you may be perceived by others as not being competent. The nice girl syndrome will hold you back from leadership positions.
Featured Guest
My guest today, Dr. Lois Frankel, will help us to define the nice girl syndrome, understand why this type of behavior sabotages our careers, and what steps we can take to change our behavior. President of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California consulting firm, Dr. Frankel literally wrote the book on coaching people to succeed in businesses large and small around the globe and she is associated with helping women overcome their Nice girl behavior. Her books Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, co-authored with Carol Frohlinger, are great resources for women who want to win the respect and success they deserve. Sought-after as a public speaker, Dr. Frankel is among the top names of international speakers. She has appeared on The Today Show, Larry King Live, CNN, and Fox News and been featured in USA Today, People magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Drop Dead Diva creator, Josh Berman, has optioned the rights to all three nice girls books for a comedy series. For more information about Dr. Frankel’s books, speaking topics and services, please visit her website, www.drloisfrankel.com.
Listen or download the January 30, 2012 show.
13 Tips to Build Assertive Communication Skills
For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.
Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.
Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others.
It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!
There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).
Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.
- Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
- Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
- Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
- State your opinions clearly.
- Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
- Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
- Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
- Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
- Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
- Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
- Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
- Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
- Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.
My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.
How to Write a Book to Attract Clients and Benefit Your Business
How many times have you said to yourself that you have to write a book to help you promote your business and speaking, but you keep putting it off? It seems overwhelming. Where do I start? Do I even know if this book will help my business? Today we are going to discuss specifically how to plan and write a book that will help your business with my guest, Sophfronia Scott.
Featured Guest
Sophfronia Scott helps entrepreneurs and speakers to write and publish books to market their businesses. She is the author of the bestselling award-winning book, Doing Business By the Book: How to Craft a Crowd-Pleasing Book and Attract More Clients and Speaking Engagements Than You Ever Thought Possible. Her latest book is How the Fierce Handle Fear: Secrets to Succeeding in Challenging Times. Sophronia’s website: http://www.doneforyouwriting.com
Listen to the January 23rd, 2012 show.
She Stole My Idea and Here’s What I’d Do
My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?
I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.
I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.
Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing. It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded. If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of.. I don’t know the right word. Also your co- worker knows that it was you. Besides the work is for the team right?”
Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea. Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose. We all can get great ideas. If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”
Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.
Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth. How I made the suggestion and she stole it. He found her actions amusing. He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke. I just communicated the facts. It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile. Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“ Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.
Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”
Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!
There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.
Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”
Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like: Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis. However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday. I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”
Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”
Rebecca added this. “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better. The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”
Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”
Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!
Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?
The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.
Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.
We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.
Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.
She Stole My Idea and I Don’t Know What to Do
Sometimes ideas come to me at the strangest times, like when I’m taking a shower, at 2 am when I can’t sleep, or when I’m driving my car. But when a great idea comes along you know it right away, right?
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. As I was driving my car, a light bulb went off. I suddenly thought of a terrific idea to move a struggling project forward. I was certain that this new innovative approach to a stale project would have a positive impact on the project as well as my department and I couldn’t wait to share it with one of my co-workers.
The next day I met my colleague for lunch and I was bubbling over with enthusiasm as I told her my idea. She was equally excited and validated my strategy and creativity. I couldn’t wait to present this at our next senior staff meeting later in the week.
In the senior staff meeting, we made our way through the agenda and the troubled project became the focus of our discussion. I was already thinking about the best way to present my idea when my colleague addressed the senior team with a potential solution; MY SOLUTION! She stole my idea!
My face immediately flushed and I could feel my heart rate accelerate. I didn’t know what to say or do.
This a theoretical situation but my question to you is this: What should I do in this situation?
Has this ever happened to you? What did you do and how did it turn out?
Please email me your thoughts and I will post them next week along with some of my suggestions for how to handle the situation.
How to Be Authentic and Climb the Corporate Ladder
For years, women in business were told to hide their feminine qualities and act more like men in the workplace if they wanted to get ahead. These days female leadership style is embraced for its collaborative approach, vision, and intuition, yet women still need to be mindful of how they present themselves and their ideas to be heard. Tune in for some valuable advice from women’s leadership expert, Sally Helgesen, on how to climb the corporate ladder and retain your feminine qualities and values.
Featured Guest
Sally Helgesen is an internationally acclaimed author, speaker, and consultant, and one of the world’s brand -name experts on women’s leadership and we are going to talk about the value women contribute to leadership positions and what women and organizations can do to take advantage of this. Sally’s most recent book, The Female Vision: Women’s Real Power at Work, explores this subject about how women’s insights can transform organizations. She is also author of the best-selling The Female Advantage: Women’s Ways of Leadership. This book was called “the classic work” on women’s leadership style. Her earlier book, The Web of Inclusion: A New Architecture for Building Great Organizations, was cited in The Wall Street Journal as one of the best books on leadership of all time. Sally has consulted with the United Nations Development Program on building more inclusive country offices and on strengthening women’s programs in Africa and Asia. She has led seminars at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and Smith College, Northwestern University and the Lauriston Institute in Melbourne Australia. Articles about her work have been featured in Fortune, The New York Times, Fast Company, and Business Week. She contributes a weekly blog at Forbes.com. For more information about Sally, visit her website, www.sallyhelgesen.com.
Listen to the January 9th, 2012 show.
Reclaiming Your Identify During Life and Career Transition
Do you ever look in the mirror and ask yourself where the “real” you went? After having a baby or losing a job, all of a sudden you realize that you are no longer in touch with the “old” you, and you’re not quite sure who the “new” you is? Where did that person go or better yet, who are you now?
Being out of the workforce for any reason can cause us to lose our identity because we are so connected to our work that often our jobs become who we are. Any separation from that job, whether for motherhood or other reasons, can sever our relationship with the self that we are accustomed to being.
Now you are ready to reinvent yourself and re-enter the workforce or change professions, but what do you have to offer? Perhaps you are so out of touch that you don’t know where to begin.
The answer is there within you if you take the time to unveil it. What you have to offer is much greater than any position you have held in the past or will attain in the future. Your core essence transcends all of your jobs and is the unique value that you bring to everything you do. This needs to be an internal journey. If you look to others to validate your accomplishments, you are confusing a desire for fulfillment and life purpose with the need for recognition. This external validation will not give you the foundation you need to uncover your purpose and focus.
A clear understanding of what you have to offer gives you the sense of purpose and direction you need to move your life and career forward.
Ask yourself these five questions to start:
- What do you like about yourself right now? What do you dislike?
- Describe a successful situation when you felt totally fulfilled and alive.
- What did you personally contribute to this situation to make it successful?
- What do these qualities tell you about your value proposition?
- What do these qualities tell you about where you should focus your career efforts?
We feel most fulfilled and alive when our strengths are aligned with our work.
Marcia Reynolds states in her book, Wander Women: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction,
When you are clear about what you are meant to offer the world in a larger sense, you are better able to make in-the-moment decisions as well as significant life choices. Your sense of purpose gives you both the contentment and direction you’ve been missing.
When you are clear about what you have to offer, you can look in the mirror and recognize immediately the “real” you. This is a reflection of your core essence and value that is not defined by a job but does indeed help you to find the right career.
Preparing for 2012
It’s a new year and another opportunity to celebrate! As the holiday season and 2011 come to a close, we welcome 2012 with much fanfare. Parties, fireworks, horn blowing and champagne mark the beginning of another year.
It’s also a great time for reflection. What was special about this past year? What was disappointing? We all have memories that we cherish from 2011 and memories that perhaps make us sad, angry, or dissatisfied.
I was thinking this morning that in preparation for 2012 I would like to focus on the positive things that happened this past year and bring that positive energy to the start of this next year. How to do that?
How about packing an imaginary suitcase for your journey through 2012? Let’s take out a BIG suitcase and pack all the positive and wonderful things we want to bring with us in to the new year. As we reflect back on the past year, we can consciously leave behind whatever we think is not serving us in a positive supportive manner. (For instance, I’d like to leave behind the 5 pounds I gained over Christmas!)
Here are some suggestions:
- First and most importantly, pack all your accomplishments from this past year. Write a list of every success no matter how small and put it in the suitcase along with a large container of pride for your achievements. This will help you continue your success in 2012.
- What memories from this past year bring a smile to your face? Is it something that your children did? A new grandchild? A special time with family and friends? Make room in your suitcase for this! We certainly want to bring smiles and positive feelings into the new year.
- Another important thing to pack is our gratitude for living another year in good health and having family and friends around us for love and support. Pack the gratitude for everything that you have to offer; your unique talent, your skills, your experience, your clients, your colleagues.
- Last but not least, I think we need to leave some room for the opportunities that 2012 will bring to all of us. We need to have enough room in our suitcase so that these opportunities will not only present themselves but become reality.
What will you pack for your journey into 2012 and what do you want to leave behind?
Happy New Year and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous 2012!
Creating Buzz for Your Business and Career
It’s vitally important that we have visibility in order to get more clients and get promoted at work. What is the best way to do that? Where do we begin? My guest, PR Expert Lisa Elia will give us valuable advice on how we can position ourselves in the marketplace to sell our products and services and promote our expertise in the workplace.
Featured Guest
Lisa Elia is a publicist, media trainer and CEO and founder of Lisa Elia Public Relations, a full-service PR firm in Los Angeles. She has secured placements for her clients in major media outlets, such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, Time Magazine, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, CNN, Redbook, In Style and hundreds of others. She has positioned clients for book deals, endorsement deals, positions as contributing editors to magazines and even their own TV shows. As an entrepreneur herself for over 20 years, Lisa speaks at many events for entrepreneurs, sharing tips on publicity, internal communications, positioning oneself as an expert and a variety of other topics. She has created programs to teach people how to do their own PR and to improve their on-camera presence. For information about the many programs and services Lisa Elia, please visit her website, www.lisaeliapr.com.
Listen to the December 26th show.
The Importance of Determination and Resilience for Success
Today’s show is all about the importance of determination and resilience for success; how we have the power within to overcome most obstacles we face in our lives and careers. You will hear an incredible story from my guest, Maureen Manley, that will forever change the way you look at your own life challenges and empower you to find your strength to achieve whatever you want. Maureen’s championship cycling career came to an abrupt halt with the sudden onset of Multiple Sclerosis during the Tour De France. She turned her determination and focus to a new journey, exploring ways to integrate her Mind, Body and Spirit in order to create optimal health and peace of mind. As Maureen shares her story of recovery, there are many life lessons for all of us about how to deal with life’s uncertainties and our own fears and limiting beliefs. And, in fact, we can all create a path of championship for ourselves by setting our goals, understanding and working through our limiting beliefs and keeping our focus and direction.
Featured Guest
Determination and resilience have served Maureen Manley in her many accomplishments. As a member of the US Cycling Team she won a National Championship, set a national record, earned a silver and 2 bronze medals at National Championships, competed in 3 World Championships and won a silver medal in the 1990 World Championships. Maureen’s cycling career came to an abrupt halt at the sudden onset of Multiple Sclerosis.She turned her determination and focus to a new journey, exploring ways to integrate her Mind, Body and Spirit in order to create optimal health and peace of mind. This inquiry led her to gain knowledge and understanding from a variety of fields, including: mind-body sciences, behavior sciences, faith based traditions, psychology, meditation, life coaching, and system’s theory. The application of her learning’s led her to a deeper understanding that true change and transformation originates from the inside. After completion of a Master’s Degree in Integrated Wellness, Maureen established her private practice and return to her much-loved sport of cycling. Maureen is a well respected speaker, counselor, educator and consultant. She currently delivers motivational presentations around the country, leads workshops, teaches classes, designs wellness programs and consults with organizations who wish to empower both their workforce and clients.
Listen to the December 19th, 2011 show.
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