Why Are You Fighting So Hard Not to Be Yourself?
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a prima ballerina. I loved to dance and was fortunate enough to take ballet lessons a few times a week. In my mind, I was on my way to becoming a professional dancer. In fact, I took my ballet shoes with me wherever I went and offered to dance for anyone without hesitation. I had no preconceived notions about my limitations. I had the passion and talent and believed anything was possible.
But somewhere along the way, I received messages that being a ballerina was not for me. I did not have the” right” body type and certainly the lifestyle of a professional dancer was extremely challenging. The point is that all that energy and passion for dancing; all my dreams of being a prima ballerina were squashed. I no longer believed that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I began to see my life in terms of limitations.
We build our persona or our identity based on what we believe we can or can’t do. In fact, these beliefs define our lives and predict our future. We become prisoners of our own perceived limitations.
How tough would it be for you to push aside your limiting beliefs and open yourself up to a new world of possibilities?
How difficult would it be to listen to your true inner voice and find your passion and purpose in life?
In this inspiring video, Caroline Casey asks, “Why are you fighting so hard not to be yourself?” Her key message is that we pretend to be something we’re not because we lost our belief in ourselves.
Believing in yourself without limitations, without labels, allows you to be the best you can be. Are you up for the challenge?
Watch Caroline and let me know.
Have You Asked for a Promotion?
According to Donald Asher, author of Who Gets Promoted, Who Doesn’t and Why, “Bosses assume that any employee who doesn’t ask for more is satisfied with his job.”
If this is accurate, which I suspect it is, why don’t we ask about opportunities to move up?
Our hesitancy to ask for a promotion is more than likely related to our overall fear of self promotion. When we contemplate asking for a promotion, that nagging voice in our head chimes in with, “Who do you think you are?”, “Do you really think you’re worthy of a promotion?” “Your boss will laugh at you!”, “Aren’t you full of yourself?”
Do any of these negative questions sound familiar to you?
It’s time to put aside the negative self talk and focus on your talent and what you bring to the table. Listening to the negative self talk is sabotaging your career and can very well stand between you and a promotion.
Has it every dawned on you to be proactive and take control of your career?
Has it very occurred to you to ask for a promotion?
In preparation for a conversation with your boss, I recommend you do a bit of homework.
- Write out your value proposition and accomplishments.
- Describe how the work you do benefits the organization and your boss or department in particular.
- Make it clear in your request for a promotion that it has nothing to do with not liking your boss. State up front that you enjoy working with him/her and love the organization and are interested in new opportunities to rise to the next level.
- Ask for information about new opportunities and what, if anything, you need to do to move up. Determine if you need additional skills or if you need to enlist allies within the organization to support your promotion.
- Once you set your sights on a specific position, put a strategic action plan in place to communicate your value proposition to the key influencers and decision makers.
If advancing your career is what you want, you need to take action. Don’t assume that your boss knows that you are interested in moving up. Asking about new opportunities will lead to a dialogue about what is available and what you need to do to get promoted.
Join me for a free call, this Thursday, December 8th to help you communicate your value to others to get that promotion or get new clients. Using Benefit Language to Sell Your Way to Millions or Hit the Top Rung.
For more information and registration, click here.
Take Off Your Mask for Halloween
Don’t you love Halloween? It’s not just because of the sweet treats. It’s so much fun to dress up in costume and take on the identity of someone or something else for the day. The holiday festivities give us an excuse to put on a mask and adopt a new persona. Perhaps we choose to be someone funny, or maybe we become a scary monster. Maybe we don some sexy clothing that’s totally out of character for us, or maybe we become a super hero who possesses super natural powers.
Halloween is fun. No doubt about it. As I was thinking about the holiday this year, it dawned on me, however, how scary it is to take OFF your mask, to look in the mirror and challenge yourself to be YOU; to be your authentic self.
In actuality, I think many of us hide behind masks all year long. We adopt different personas in our personal and professional lives because we believe we need them to be successful or be more like able. We create stories about ourselves and these stories become who we are. We lose our authentic selves in the process.
To me, the process of stripping away all these stories and personas we’ve created is far more frightening than any Halloween costume. We choose to hide behind our masks because we feel the need to protect ourselves; because somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that if people knew who we really are, they wouldn’t like us or we wouldn’t be successful.
Many of us don’t even realize that we have taken on different identities and the effect this has on our lives. We don’t realize how much MORE successful, personable, and powerful we would be without the mask. And how much stress does hiding your authentic self cause in your life?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel you are being authentic at work?
- Are you being rewarded for being authentic at work?
- Have you adopted a management/leadership style that doesn’t feel comfortable because of your company’s culture?
- What type of “mask” are you hiding behind in your personal relationships?
- Are you more authentic with some people than others? What does this tell you?
Choose to connect with your authentic self.
This Halloween, take OFF your mask. It’s the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
How Do You Handle Compliments?
Someone at work approaches you after a meeting and tells you that you did a really great job on a project. What do you say?
Are you more likely to say, “Thank you. I worked very hard on that project and I am proud of how it all came together”? Or do you say, “Oh, it was nothing”?
A good friend tells you that you look very nice and they love your new outfit. What do you say?
Do you say something like, “This old outfit? I’ve had it for years”?
Why can’t we say, “THANK YOU”?
Why can’t we take credit for our accomplishments and acknowledge when someone is complimenting us?
There was an interesting article May 4th in the Wall Street Journal on this topic of accepting praise, Why Do Compliments Cause So Much Grief? The author, Mick Wiggins, commented that we have no difficulty acknowledging compliments from those people we crave them from: peers, bosses, the opposite sex, wives, and even strangers some times.
Yet, he noted that we do have trouble sometimes listening to our loved ones and closest friends.
My mom will be delighted to tell you all about this. Recently, I told her about a flattering note I’d received from an old (male) friend. And she shrieked in exasperation: “For years, I’ve been telling you what he just said, but you never bother to listen to me”.
I had to smile when I read this because I don’t know how many times I have said that same thing in frustration to my family and friends!
Another interesting point the author brings up is that we only hear what we want to hear. If we are feeling really secure, we have less difficulty accepting the praise. During times of self-doubt and insecurity, we will react very differently and either misinterpret the compliment and the intent, or put ourselves down instead of graciously acknowledging the compliment.
In my recent interview with Marci Shimoff on Head Over Heels Women’s Business Radio, Marci suggested that we have what’s called a negativity bias. She calls it the Velcro Teflon Syndrome. What this means is that we tend to Velcro to us the negative things that happen to us. The positive things are more like Teflon and tend to slide off.
She gives an example of how you are at work and during the course of the day, you got ten compliments and one criticism. When you drive home at night, what do you remember?
The criticism, right?
We need to reverse the Velcro Teflon Syndrome so that when we receive positive feedback on our work, for example, we say, “Thank you. I really worked hard on it and I’m glad you appreciate it”, instead of “Oh, it was nothing”.
I think that when we listen carefully to the compliments and positive feedback that come our way from anyone and acknowledge the praise, it can actually boost our self esteem. That being said, we need to be mindful about the process. Instead of letting the compliment slide off, velcro it. Resist the impulse to shrug is off and put yourself down. Listen, register the compliment, and accept the praise.
Listen and acknowledge and recognize that you deserve the praise!
Wisdom from Seth Godin
Seth Godin has a new book out called Linchpin in which he talks about our “lizard brain”, that part of our brain that holds all our fears and limiting beliefs. The Lizard brain keeps us from doing our most creative work and often signals us to stay in our comfort zone and not take risks.
This audio is a 45 minute presentation that Seth did in New York last week. He talks about how these fears sabotage us.
I really love the story he tells about an employee he had in his company years ago who never failed at anything he did. He was his best employee, but Seth spoke with him and said if you don’t fail at something soon, you’re fired! Why? Because we all need to stretch and take risks to truly be creative and successful and distinguish ourselves from others.
Listen to the wisdom and let me know what you think. How do you tame your lizard brain?
Give Yourself a Pep Talk
Do you ever wonder how elite athletes like Tiger Woods or Roger Federer stay focused; how they manage to maintain their peak performance? I marvel at their ability to recover after a bad shot or a lost match; their resilience and ability to let go and forget their poor performance and come back with strength and fortitude.
How do they accomplish this? Well, almost all professional athletes work with coaches to re-program their thinking. Successful athletes think positively and use positive self-talk and affirmations to build their self esteem and confidence.
Athletes, like many of us, are subject to memories of previous events where they fell short in some fashion. These memories of past failures affect the present state of mind and cause us to believe that we will repeat the failure when presented with the same type of scenario. Sports coaches helps athletes to recall early images of success and focus on the positive to build basic confidence. They often assist athletes with creating positive self-talk and affirmations to counter the negative thoughts and feelings. This helps athletes to believe in themselves and stay focused on success.
We can use the same methodology to be successful. When you work on your own positive self-talk and affirmations stay focused on the immediate goals at hand and stay in the present. Recognize the negative thoughts when they occur and reprogram your internal dialogue to positive statements.
Give yourself a pep talk and you will achieve your goals. Focus on your previous successes and believe that you will win again.
Where Does All Our Self-Confidence Go?
Where does all the bravado and self-confidence of our early childhood go? Do you ever think back to when you were a young child? If your childhood was anything like mine, you were probably happy as a clam and had a bounty of self-esteem. I did. I vividly remember my childhood dreams of becoming a prima ballerina. I took ballet lessons three times a week and carried my ballet shoes with me to every family outing and special event. I was ready to perform anywhere and anytime. In fact, I remember asking the band at my cousin’s wedding to play a specific song and clear the dance floor so that I could dance in front of a couple of hundred people. No joke. I did. Of course, everyone indulged me and thought it was cute at the time, but when was it not cute anymore?
I can’t recall any specific time or event that caused me to lose that self-confidence of my early childhood but I do know my self-esteem eroded slowly but surely. Perhaps it was messages from my parents, teachers and friends over time. However those messages were delivered, directly or not, I certainly “got the message” that what was cute as a child was no longer acceptable behavior as a young adult.
It has taken years and a lot of self-work to bring back that self-confidence. All those messages about the need to be humble and take a back seat became hardwired in my subconscious mind and re-surface periodically to remind me that I am not as wonderful as I think I am. No one will like me if I brag and put myself in the spotlight. It is such an internal tug of war. Is this true for you?
As professional women, it is vitally important to re-connect with this self-confidence and talent. It is critical to our success to promote ourselves in the business world.
A success or bragging journal is a great way to keep track of your accomplishments and talent. Make a daily entry and review the entries each week. Take the time to write down what these accomplishments say about you.
Do the work necessary to make the connection to your value and talent and re-establish the self-confidence from your childhood. You are still wonderful. Nothing has changed but your perception of yourself.
The Power of Positive Self-Talk
Our thoughts have the ability to create our reality and it is our daily challenge to put aside negativity and focus on a positive attitude.
There are many techniques that people use to re-frame the negative into positive affirmations and with consistent practice, these methods help us to create the positive life we desire.
Controlling our negative thoughts is not an easy task. One method I suggest is the use of language. When we use positive powerful words, these words can affect our subconscious mind and help to reprogram our negative beliefs. Word choices such as “I will” instead of “I’ll try” for instance make a powerful statement of intent.
Positive self talk is an important vehicle to building self-esteem and self-confidence. Often we are more comfortable dismissing praise and putting ourselves down. What do these negative statements do to our self-esteem? Why not practice positive self-talk instead?
Follow this routine for 30 days and I guarantee that you will begin to see the difference in your self-confidence.
- Begin with journaling. Make daily entries about your accomplishments, big and small.
- Answer these questions. “What makes me unique?”. “What are my strengths?” “How have these strengths helped me in the past or in my current job?”
- Review your journal entries of recent accomplishments to connect with your talent and value. What can you truly brag about? What do these successes say about you?
- Create a personal “bragging” statement. Be authentic and positive. Print out the statement and keep it visible so that you can refer to it often. Recite it out loud daily. “This is me.” “This is what makes me special.”
Positive self-talk is an important component to successful self-promotion.
Practice the above mentioned routine daily for 30 days and see the difference it will make in your self-esteem and self-confidence.
May Group Teleclass: The Power of Positive Self-Talk
In this fun and interactive group class series you will:
- Explore your limiting beliefs around positive self-talk. What holds you back?
- Connect with your own value and talent. What makes you unique?
- Practice positive self-talk to build self-esteem and self-confidence. It really works!
Classes will be held consecutive Tuesday evenings 7-8pm EDT starting May 5th.
$125 for three one hour sessions. Workbook included.
Register online: http://womenssuccesscoaching.com/services/group-coaching
Identify Your Gremlins: What Holds You Back From Success?
What are gremlins, anyway? Gremlins are those nasty little voices inside your head that constantly put you down and remind you that in some way, shape, or form, you are not good enough. These gremlins are powerful little creatures that live and often thrive in your subconscious. Often, we have adopted negative beliefs about ourselves from our parents, colleagues, friends, enemies, or strangers we have met along the way. Gremlins become vocal just when they think we are most vulnerable and feed into our self doubt and fears. Though these inner voices may have started working initially to protect us from being embarrassed or from failure, their continued presence holds us back from reaching our maximum potential.
What’s with all the negative thoughts?
How often-even before we began-have we declared a task “impossible”? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?….A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.
–Piero Ferrucci
Much has been said recently about the Laws of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. You cannot escape the hype these days about “The Secret” and how you have the ability to attract whatever you want in your life. The basic premise of both the Laws of Attraction and The Secret is that you can change your life by creating positive intentions around what you want instead of focusing on what you do not have. There have actually been some scientific studies that demonstrate how positive thinking effects your brain and thought patterns.
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