Overcoming Nice Girl Behavior
It’s our nature as women due to our upbringing to defer to others and consider others before ourselves. And we need to understand how this type of behavior can sabotage our careers; how being a nice girl result in you being invisible in the workplace; how you can lose respect and you may be perceived by others as not being competent. The nice girl syndrome will hold you back from leadership positions.
Featured Guest
My guest today, Dr. Lois Frankel, will help us to define the nice girl syndrome, understand why this type of behavior sabotages our careers, and what steps we can take to change our behavior. President of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California consulting firm, Dr. Frankel literally wrote the book on coaching people to succeed in businesses large and small around the globe and she is associated with helping women overcome their Nice girl behavior. Her books Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, co-authored with Carol Frohlinger, are great resources for women who want to win the respect and success they deserve. Sought-after as a public speaker, Dr. Frankel is among the top names of international speakers. She has appeared on The Today Show, Larry King Live, CNN, and Fox News and been featured in USA Today, People magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Drop Dead Diva creator, Josh Berman, has optioned the rights to all three nice girls books for a comedy series. For more information about Dr. Frankel’s books, speaking topics and services, please visit her website, www.drloisfrankel.com.
Listen or download the January 30, 2012 show.
13 Tips to Build Assertive Communication Skills
For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.
Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.
Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others.
It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!
There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).
Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.
- Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
- Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
- Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
- State your opinions clearly.
- Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
- Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
- Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
- Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
- Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
- Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
- Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
- Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
- Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.
My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.
She Stole My Idea and Here’s What I’d Do
My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?
I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.
I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.
Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing. It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded. If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of.. I don’t know the right word. Also your co- worker knows that it was you. Besides the work is for the team right?”
Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea. Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose. We all can get great ideas. If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”
Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.
Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth. How I made the suggestion and she stole it. He found her actions amusing. He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke. I just communicated the facts. It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile. Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“ Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.
Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”
Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!
There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.
Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”
Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like: Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis. However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday. I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”
Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”
Rebecca added this. “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better. The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”
Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”
Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!
Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?
The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.
Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.
We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.
Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.
She Stole My Idea and I Don’t Know What to Do
Sometimes ideas come to me at the strangest times, like when I’m taking a shower, at 2 am when I can’t sleep, or when I’m driving my car. But when a great idea comes along you know it right away, right?
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. As I was driving my car, a light bulb went off. I suddenly thought of a terrific idea to move a struggling project forward. I was certain that this new innovative approach to a stale project would have a positive impact on the project as well as my department and I couldn’t wait to share it with one of my co-workers.
The next day I met my colleague for lunch and I was bubbling over with enthusiasm as I told her my idea. She was equally excited and validated my strategy and creativity. I couldn’t wait to present this at our next senior staff meeting later in the week.
In the senior staff meeting, we made our way through the agenda and the troubled project became the focus of our discussion. I was already thinking about the best way to present my idea when my colleague addressed the senior team with a potential solution; MY SOLUTION! She stole my idea!
My face immediately flushed and I could feel my heart rate accelerate. I didn’t know what to say or do.
This a theoretical situation but my question to you is this: What should I do in this situation?
Has this ever happened to you? What did you do and how did it turn out?
Please email me your thoughts and I will post them next week along with some of my suggestions for how to handle the situation.
How to Use Body Language Effectively in Business
Do you know that your body language can sabotage your message before you even open your mouth? This podcast will help us to learn about the common mistakes we make with body language and how we can use it to our advantage in business. It’s a fascinating topic and one we all need to know more about.
Featured Guest
My guest today is Carol Kinsey Goman. Carol is a keynote speaker and author of The NonVerbal Advantage-Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work and most recently, The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help or Hurt How You Lead. Her books are important resources for all of us who want to better position themselves in business and I’m sure you’ll agree after listening to Carol.
Carol is president of Kinsey Consulting Services. She has worked with over 130 organizations in twenty-one countries. Her work has been featured on CNN, Bloomberg Television, and NBC News. Carol addresses associations, government and business audiences around the world on this and other strategic business issues. You can learn more about Carol and her books and services at www.NonVerbalAdvantage.com and www.ckg.com.
Listen to the January 2nd podcast.
Do You Sabotage Yourself By Using Weak Language?
The ability to communicate effectively and confidently has a dramatic effect on our ability to advance our careers. Yet many of us fall into the trap of using weak language that sabotages our efforts to present ourselves with authority and confidence.
I would just like to say that I may not know as much as some of the communication experts out there, but I feel that women undermine their credibility time and time again by using minimizing language.
This one sentence says it all! By using the words “just”, “I feel”, and stating that I may not have as much expertise as perhaps other do, I have reduced my credibility to almost zero! How many times have you heard women communicate this way? How many times have you yourself used this type of minimizing language?
I had the pleasure a couple of years ago of attending a summer course at Yale Law School that prepares women to run for political office. One faculty member, a political strategist, stood up to address the students and prefaced her presentation with, “Before I begin, I just have a few handouts for you”. Her credentials were so impressive. Why did she seem to be apologetic for her work? The use of the word “just” was not only unnecessary but it undermined the credibility of this amazing woman who has run national campaigns.
I’m convinced that even if we take one small step and eliminate the word “just” from our communication, we would see a huge difference in the way we are perceived in the workplace. I am amazed how much I use this word unnecessarily and unconsciously. “I’m just checking in to see…”. “I just want you to know”. “I just called because..” . My new awareness of the impact of this one word has now forced me to carefully choose my words in order to reflect more confidence.
The Harvard Business Review article, Replace Meaningless Words with Meaningful Ones,by Jerry Weissman advises us to replace weak, meaningless words with stronger ones. He talks about how a simple word replacement can change the impact of our overall communication.
Weissman advices us to replace the weak words “I think”, “I believe”, and “I feel”, for stronger options such as “I’m confident”, “I’m convinced”, “I expect”. These simple replacements can make a difference in how our message is perceived .
In their article for WomensMedia, 8 Tips for Fearless Communication in the Workplace, authors Victoria Simon, PhD, and Holly Pedersen, PhD talk about the effect of adding tag lines to our sentences.
Women have a tendency to use ‘weak’ language that serves to water down their message. One example of weak language is using tag lines at the end of sentences. Examples of these are: “This is a great angle, don’t you think?” and “Our department is doing well, isn’t it?” A tag line at the end of a sentence weakens the statement being made as well as the authority of the speaker. It communicates that the speaker is not completely confident so must ask for reassurance.
They go on to say,
Courage is the foundation of successful communication – and successful communication is the foundation of great achievement. Is it difficult to strive for respect above being liked, or to avoid weak language so that people hear your message more clearly? Yes. Does fearless communication mean that you have to be aggressive, even masculine, at work? Absolutely not! Ideally, the kind of strength you will develop in your communication will allow you to be direct and assertive and will create an environment for others to feel this freedom as well. Be yourself, be authentic and communicate fearlessly.
Be aware of your own use of weak language and eliminate and/or replace the words and phrases that have a negative impact on your professional image and reputation.
Just a suggestion, ok?
Emotional Competence and Golf: A Lesson on How to be a Star Performer at Work
What is the connection between your golf game, your emotional competence, and your ability to succeed at work?
Bill Pennington’s article In the June 13th, 2011 edition of the New York Times Sports Section, entitled “When Golfers Overthink: The Science Behind the Choke”, makes it very clear that EQ is indeed a contributing factor for anyone who plays golf. Having a good set of readily available skills helps you navigate the potential negative “self talk” that might arise after a disappointing shot. What’s more, the utilization of those skills is indeed a fine harbinger of the good score that lies ahead. When implemented, the added advantage to the player is that the effort to constrain that blood flow to the amygdala can bring immediate gratification. In essence, he states that “Why some golfers succeed in these moments and others do not has largely been left to pop psychology. But in recent years, the awful truth – the choke – has met its scientific match”.
Pennington referenced research done by Sian Beilock, an associate professor at the University of Chicago with degrees in cognitive science, kinesiology and psychology. She had put hundreds of athletes under duress and identified the anatomy of a choke. Here are some of her findings:
Choking is not a lifetime curse. Experience at performing under pressure makes a significant difference. Practicing under even mild pressure helps prepare you for the more intense version of a championship-winning or match-winning. When you’re faced with a pressure shot, distracting yourself from the task at hand is helpful. Performing quickly in pressure situations leads to more success.
She further states that,
It is not the pressure in a pressure situation that distracts us into performing poorly. The pressure makes us worry and want to control our actions too much. And you cannot think your way through a routine, practiced action, like making a 3-foot putt.
How does this translate in the work environment?
We may or may not be in “choke” situations at work, but our negative self-talk can certainly sabotage our efforts to perform to our potential. Research indicates that the higher our level of EQ, the more successful we will be.
Optimal performance is experienced when a worker executes the basics of their profession while simultaneously showing a high level of EQ. In his book Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman call this positive experience being in the “zone.” In their book The Power of Full Engagement, executive training program founders Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz reference this state as being in “flow.”
Bestselling author Daniel Goleman states:
The rules of work are changing. We’re being judged by a new yardstick: not just how smart we are, or by our training and expertise, but also by how well we handle each other and ourselves. The new rules predict who is most likely to become a star performer and who is most prone to derailing. The new measure takes for granted having enough intellectual ability and technical know-how to do our jobs; it focuses instead on personal qualities, such as initiative and empathy, adaptability and persuasiveness.
How can you improve your EQ to become a star performer on the golf course or at work?
One resource available is MYT Group LLC www.maximizeyourtalent.com. They have a nationwide MYT Express™ Program launching on November 16th with a 3 hour webinar featuring renowned Stanford University professor Dr. Fred Luskin. This session will be followed by a series of private coaching calls with MYT’s PH.D.’s. All of the details can be garnered on their website and any additional questions can be answered by writing to them at myt@usa.net.
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What’s with all the negative thoughts?
How often-even before we began-have we declared a task “impossible”? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?….A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.
–Piero Ferrucci
Much has been said recently about the Laws of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. You cannot escape the hype these days about “The Secret” and how you have the ability to attract whatever you want in your life. The basic premise of both the Laws of Attraction and The Secret is that you can change your life by creating positive intentions around what you want instead of focusing on what you do not have. There have actually been some scientific studies that demonstrate how positive thinking effects your brain and thought patterns.
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