Is Thinking BIG About Your Business or Career Like Bragging?
It’s common knowledge that many people have issues with boastful people. We have a bias against those who seem “full of themselves” and constantly let everyone know how wonderful they are. If the person happens to be a woman, there is even more of a negative reaction to her lack of humility.
If you follow my work and my blog, you know that I help professional women identify and connect with their value and talent and thereby gain
the confidence to promote themselves. (This isn’t bragging or boasting, by the way, but authentically talking about your accomplishments and value proposition.) There is much evidence that communicating your value helps you to advance your career and get more clients.
If you understand your value proposition, what plan do you have to offer your gifts and talent to the world? I mean, what is your BIG plan for your business or career? Do you dare to go there?
I believe that we think small because we are afraid that if we let others know the dreams we have for ourselves, people will think we are “full of ourselves”. We may get the skeptical looks, the rolling eyes, the “are you kidding me?” look. Who do you think you are that you could achieve that?
Well, guess what? If we think small, we stay small. If we keep our ordinary story, we stay ordinary. (I am borrowing that from Suzanne Evans. I just spent three amazing days at her Be The Change Event where I heard this over and over again.) If we want to be extraordinary, then we need to ditch our ordinary story for a bigger one, and we need to be able to articulate that new big story with the same confidence we do our value proposition.
Everything changes when you understand your value. This includes your story and your plans for your career and business. Don’t be afraid to dream big. Don’t be ashamed to create a new big story that expands the way you offer your unique value to the world. It’s not bragging. It’s simply you acknowledging that you have these gifts. It’s simply you understanding your value and believing that you can achieve great success because of it.
What’s your extraordinary story?
Join me Thursday, April 26th for a FREE teleseminar on The 3 Insider Secrets to Marketing Yourself for Success in Business Today.
Learn everything you need to know to position yourself in business today in 3 simple steps!
Is Self-Confidence Your Friend or Foe?
I often talk and write about the importance of having self-confidence for business success. I believe that when you connect with your value proposition, you can talk about your accomplishments and talk up your business with confidence and authenticity, and that most people associate your confidence with competence. 
But here’s another take on the subject. According to author, Margaret Heffernan’s article for CBS News,
The best work isn’t done when you’re confident. The best work comes from pushing yourself beyond what you know you can do.
And she quotes Steven Spielberg on the topic:
You know how many movies, I woke up in the morning, gotten to the set and said, ‘What the bloody hell am I going to do today? I have no idea how to attack this scene.’ All the planning that I did from the safety of my office is no longer valid because the day, the weather we have, the new ideas the actors came to the set with that morning, have trumped every single of my best laid plans and I have to start from scratch.
I get stage fright every single morning. If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t be a director. You can’t make a great movie from a position of great confidence. The more nervous I am, I think the better the films turn out. Confidence sometimes is a bit of an enemy.
Margaret goes on to say,
Sports coaches will tell you the same thing: Confidence is an outcome. It’s what you get after you’ve done the work, taken the risks, pushed yourself beyond the comfortable, the planned and the knowable. It’s your reward for courage and, if you use it correctly, it will encourage you to take big leaps next time. But it will never offer guarantees, real or imagined.
The question is what comes first here, the chicken or the egg?
Does it take confidence to stretch yourself and move out of your comfort zone or does confidence come from knowing that you took the leap and succeeded?
Everything Changes When You Understand Your Value
An amazing shift takes place when you connect with your unique value. It’s an incredible ah-ha moment!
When you truly understand your value, you present yourself with confidence; your body language changes; your communication changes; your relationships change and the way others perceive you changes dramatically.
For years, women have come to me for guidance on how to promote themselves. They struggle with feeling authentic and comfortable talking about their talent and accomplishments even though their resumes and experience tell a story of great success.
Why is this?
Because we struggle to fit in and be like everyone else in order to be liked. Now, as professionals, we are told that we need to differentiate ourselves and it doesn’t feel right. Somewhere along the line we get messages that we should be quiet about our talent. As a consequence, it becomes more difficult to make the connection back to what makes us truly unique.
We lose the vital connection with who we really are and our unique value proposition. We listen to everyone’s advice on who we should be, what we should do and how we should do it. This external focus distracts us from our own inner wisdom and our core essence.
What does it take to find ourselves again?
In her new book, Take the Lead, Betsy Myers says,
Leadership is a function first and foremost of self-knowledge and honest self-reflection.
How many of us take the time to figure this out?
How can we present ourselves to the world or promote ourselves authentically if we don’t do this self-reflection to find our unique value?
Understand that authentic comfortable self-promotion can’t be faked. It comes from a true understanding of who you are and what unique value you bring to the world.
Take the time to discover your value and this will be your foundation for career success and fulfillment.
I am offering you the opportunity to discover and connect with your unique value proposition so that you present yourself to your clients, your prospects, your colleagues, your friends with authenticity.
The GPS Your Career Group Coaching Program is a journey of self-discovery that will dramatically change your business and career by helping you to position yourself successfully.
This four week course starts February 15th, 8-9pm Eastern and includes four 60 minute coaching sessions, worksheets and stimulating exercises to help you do the deep dive and de-clutter to re-discover who you really are and what you have to offer your company or your clients.
No more struggles with self-promotion! No more struggles trying to get clients or be noticed at work!
The class is limited to 10 participants, so please register now.
13 Tips to Build Assertive Communication Skills
For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.
Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.
Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others.
It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!
There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).
Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.
- Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
- Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
- Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
- State your opinions clearly.
- Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
- Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
- Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
- Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
- Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
- Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
- Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
- Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
- Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.
My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.
She Stole My Idea and Here’s What I’d Do
My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?
I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.
I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.
Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing. It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded. If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of.. I don’t know the right word. Also your co- worker knows that it was you. Besides the work is for the team right?”
Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea. Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose. We all can get great ideas. If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”
Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.
Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth. How I made the suggestion and she stole it. He found her actions amusing. He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke. I just communicated the facts. It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile. Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“ Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.
Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”
Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!
There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.
Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”
Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like: Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis. However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday. I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”
Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”
Rebecca added this. “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better. The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”
Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”
Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!
Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?
The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.
Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.
We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.
Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.
She Stole My Idea and I Don’t Know What to Do
Sometimes ideas come to me at the strangest times, like when I’m taking a shower, at 2 am when I can’t sleep, or when I’m driving my car. But when a great idea comes along you know it right away, right?
This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. As I was driving my car, a light bulb went off. I suddenly thought of a terrific idea to move a struggling project forward. I was certain that this new innovative approach to a stale project would have a positive impact on the project as well as my department and I couldn’t wait to share it with one of my co-workers.
The next day I met my colleague for lunch and I was bubbling over with enthusiasm as I told her my idea. She was equally excited and validated my strategy and creativity. I couldn’t wait to present this at our next senior staff meeting later in the week.
In the senior staff meeting, we made our way through the agenda and the troubled project became the focus of our discussion. I was already thinking about the best way to present my idea when my colleague addressed the senior team with a potential solution; MY SOLUTION! She stole my idea!
My face immediately flushed and I could feel my heart rate accelerate. I didn’t know what to say or do.
This a theoretical situation but my question to you is this: What should I do in this situation?
Has this ever happened to you? What did you do and how did it turn out?
Please email me your thoughts and I will post them next week along with some of my suggestions for how to handle the situation.
Preparing for 2012
It’s a new year and another opportunity to celebrate! As the holiday season and 2011 come to a close, we welcome 2012 with much fanfare. Parties, fireworks, horn blowing and champagne mark the beginning of another year.
It’s also a great time for reflection. What was special about this past year? What was disappointing? We all have memories that we cherish from 2011 and memories that perhaps make us sad, angry, or dissatisfied.
I was thinking this morning that in preparation for 2012 I would like to focus on the positive things that happened this past year and bring that positive energy to the start of this next year. How to do that?
How about packing an imaginary suitcase for your journey through 2012? Let’s take out a BIG suitcase and pack all the positive and wonderful things we want to bring with us in to the new year. As we reflect back on the past year, we can consciously leave behind whatever we think is not serving us in a positive supportive manner. (For instance, I’d like to leave behind the 5 pounds I gained over Christmas!)
Here are some suggestions:
- First and most importantly, pack all your accomplishments from this past year. Write a list of every success no matter how small and put it in the suitcase along with a large container of pride for your achievements. This will help you continue your success in 2012.
- What memories from this past year bring a smile to your face? Is it something that your children did? A new grandchild? A special time with family and friends? Make room in your suitcase for this! We certainly want to bring smiles and positive feelings into the new year.
- Another important thing to pack is our gratitude for living another year in good health and having family and friends around us for love and support. Pack the gratitude for everything that you have to offer; your unique talent, your skills, your experience, your clients, your colleagues.
- Last but not least, I think we need to leave some room for the opportunities that 2012 will bring to all of us. We need to have enough room in our suitcase so that these opportunities will not only present themselves but become reality.
What will you pack for your journey into 2012 and what do you want to leave behind?
Happy New Year and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous 2012!
Have you lost touch with who you are?
A prospective client called me last week about my coaching services. She had read an article of mine about how to prepare for an interview and was seeking help to better position herself for employment. We talked for a couple of minutes and I asked her what she does. It’s a simple question, right? We are asked this question all the time, but when I posed the question to her she could not answer it. There was silence on the other end of the phone.
“See”, she said. “This is my problem.” I can’t talk about myself let alone describe what I do. Turns out she is a financial analyst and had dropped out for 18 months to have a child and seems to have lost her way.
Of course, I hear this from men and women who are employed as well. We all get so tied up in our daily lives and everyday tasks that it is easy to lose touch with who we are and what is special and unique about us. We lose touch with who we are. I mean who we REALLY are.
Why do we lose touch? Well, we get distracted by the clutter in our lives. We are bombarded daily by the media with new promotions, new opportunities, new gadgets and technology, new theories. It’s easy to get distracted from the essence of who we are unless we are willing to take the time for introspection and meditation.
What’s missing is the connection with our core essence. What makes each of us unique?
I do many workshops to help professionals connect with their value and what I have discovered is that many of us are so disconnected that we lose our way. We need a foundation. We need to re-establish this connection with our value and establish a strong belief in ourselves and our capabilities and strengths. I’m not talking about the normal hype or the mundane adjectives we often use to describe ourselves, but the connection with our true authentic selves.
Do yourself a favor and take some time to re-establish this connection. What are your strengths and what do you contribute to your organization, your family, your community? How would others describe you? Dig deep until you truly understand your value, not what you think others expect of you or what you think you should be. If you dig deep enough you will find your core essence.
It is this core essence that provides the foundation for your confidence and well-being. It is this foundation that will free you to talk about yourself in a positive way and promote yourself with conviction.
Revisiting the Double-Bind
Women have had to deal with the double-bind or “backlash effect” in business for decades and it has frequently been the topic of many discussions about how women can overcome this prejudice to advance their careers.
In a nutshell, this double-bind is:
To be successful, you must be assertive and confident, but if you are aggressive as a woman you are sometimes punished for behaving in ways that are contrary to the feminine stereotype.
Now, there is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business that shows:
In the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.
The research suggests that for women to be successful they must simultaneously present themselves as self–confident and dominant while tempering these qualities with displays of communal characteristics.
Women who had more masculine traits (defined as aggressive, assertive, and confident) AND who could temper their behavior (self-monitor their behavior) depending on social circumstances, were actually more successful than either men or other women.
The key is to learn how to self-monitor your behavior. It is still vitally important to assert yourself confidently in the business environment. If you want to advance your career, you need to establish visibility and credibility for yourself. People associate competence with confidence so the more confident you are, the more others will perceive you as competent.
“There is no evidence that ‘acting like a lady’ does anything except make women more well liked,” O’Neill said. “Women with ultra–feminine traits, in fact, are still seen as less competent in traditional managerial settings.”
That being said, it is also important to know when to listen, acknowledge others, and work and empower your team. When your behavior comes across as too self-serving, you will get that “backlash effect”.
“The interesting thing here is that being able to regulate one’=’s masculine behavior does not simply put women on par with men, it gives them even more of an advantage,” notes O’Neill. “This shows that for women who do want success at the managerial level, the paths are there.”
This is certainly encouraging news. Yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the work place, still remains an issue for many women.
What are your thoughts about the double-bind?
Living an Authentic Life
We now live in a transparent world. Our personal and professional stories reside on the internet and will remain there in perpetuity. Our resumes, our profiles, our photos, videos, testimonials will endure long after our lifetime.
It seems that everyone knows everything about you. But how well do you know yourself? Are you living an authentic life?
We all have core values that define the essence of who we are. Quite simply, mine are based on the importance I place on my family and friends and living an active, healthy lifestyle. Other important values are integrity, respect, good work ethic. Once I define my core values, I can ask myself how well does my life align with these values? For, in fact, to live an authentic life, I should make my decisions based on these values.
By example, I may have a choice to go kayaking with friends or stay at home and eat a big bowl of ice cream (mmmmm!) The choice that best aligns with my personal core values is kayaking with friends. If I choose to eat the ice cream instead, it would not align with the value I place on living an active healthy lifestyle. I might enjoy the ice cream, but probably wouldn’t feel very good about myself afterwards. That decision would not be in alignment with my core values; the essence of who I am.
Another example may be that you are asked to take a long business trip for your company and as a result, you will miss an important family event. You agree to go on the trip, but don’t feel good about yourself because you value your family more. (We are always faced with these types of decisions and in fact, we don’t always feel we have a choice).
The point is that in order to live an authentic life, our core values should drive all our actions and decisions. When our decisions are in alignment with these values, we are living an authentic life and feel good about ourselves.
So how do you stay on track? The first step is to identify your core values and write them down. When you are faced with tough decisions (this is unavoidable as we face them everyday), look at your list of values. Understand that you will feel the best about yourself when your decision aligns with your values. Understand also, that you may not always feel you can make the choice that is best aligned with your values. When this occurs, we are making sacrifices and don’t always feel good about ourselves as a result.
Your core values are not only the foundation of who you are, but also your best road map to living an authentic life; a life in which you feel great about yourself and your decisions.
-
20 Minutes For $20
20 Minutes of Interviewing Coaching For Only $20...
Present yourself with confidence!
