People with low self-esteem often try to remain under the radar screen because they don’t want to be noticed, but especially in this economy, that is the wrong thing to do.

This quote caught my attention because the focus of my coaching for professional women is to help them create visibility and be on the radar screen of key influencers at work. This is critical for career advancement.

The article also states that, in general, we tend to make assumptions about people who exhibit behavior associated with low self-esteem. One common assumption is that they are not very intelligent. We make these assumptions based on the fact that these people seldom speak up in meetings and if they are called on, they are timid and don’t readily express an opinion.

Other self-sabotaging behavior that is associated with low self-esteem is not asking for raises or promotions. It’s easy to see how all this can negatively impact your career.

Sharon Fontain, who is an expert in self-esteem, states that self-esteem can be learned through the practice of positive self talk.

What you’re doing is working with the unconscious mind, which is extraordinarily powerful and extremely stupid. In other words, it is perfectly within your power to fool your unconscious mind, allowing you to banish low self-esteem for good.

Wow! that’s great news. A regular practice of positive self talk can actually boost your self-esteem. If you feel you are in this category and are victim of negative thoughts about yourself and your ability, it’s time that you did something about it before it dramatically affects your career.

Notice when negative thoughts come up and think of a positive thought to replace it. Practice the positive thought over and over, until you can “fool” your brain. For example, “I will never make it in the company” can be replaced with “I am talented and have a great deal to offer this company. I know that I have the capability to succeed at whatever I attempt”. See how it works?

Make a conscious effort to speak up in meetings with confidence, offer your opinion, volunteer for special projects and other initiatives in the company to make yourself more visible.

Lois Frankel recommends you go one step further and fake it.

Fake it until you make it. This will not only convince your superiors, but it will also help you rejigger your thought processes.

What do you think? Does it work to fake it until you make it?

Listen to my Head over Heels Radio interview with Lois Frankel to learn more ways women unconsciously sabotage their careers and advice on how we can modify our behavior to better position ourselves for advancement.

In her book, No Ceilings, No Walls, author Susan Colantuono says:

As essential as it is to understand the business of business, it is necessary but insufficient. You not only have to have business strategic and financial acumen, you must also be able to demonstrate it by using the language of power.

Susan talks about the language of power being the language of outcomes and the importance of stating clear business objectives and outcomes to demonstrate the power of your solutions, ideas, goals.

I think that there is, however, a universal language of power that women need to embrace to advance their careers and be successful in any business. We, as women, tend to “skirt” around powerful language.

Case in point, I was at a training class a couple of weeks ago and the presenter, who was exceedingly qualified, stood up to start her presentation with what I think is close to an apology. She said…”well, I just have some handouts here”. OK. Most people probably didn’t even tune into this, but since this is my area of expertise, I could not help but notice. “Just have some handouts”? Why did she feel the need to apologize for her work? It’s almost as if she thought she was putting us out in some way by giving us handouts.

But we all do this all the time. We apologize more than necessary. We use words that diminish or weaken our statements or points of view.

In her book, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Lois Frankel dedicates a chapter, “How You Sound”, to this topic. Lois writes specifically about using minimizing words such as “just”.

She says,

Minimizing Words are those that diminish the importance or size of an achievement.

Lois emphasizes the point that if we want to be taken seriously, we need to drop these minimizers.

Here’s my point: You can do your homework and create an impactful message and an action plan on how best to increase your credibility and visibility in your workplace, but if you continue to use language that weakens your position, you won’t get the results you desire.

Be conscious of the words you choose. Listen carefully to other women at work and be mindful if they are guilty of the same self-sabotaging behavior. Tactfully let them know the affect it has on their overall message and professional image.

Once you increase your own sensitivity to this, you will be able to change your behavior, delete the minimizers, and use more powerful language to strengthen your message instead of weaken it.

Tune into Head over Heels Radio on Tuesday, August ^3rd to hear Susan Colantuono discuss how to use the language of power and other skills that women need to know in order to advance their careers.

Also, you can hear Lois Frankel discuss this as well on Head over Heels archived show, November 10, 2009.

According to Wikipedia,

A thought leader is a futurist or person who is recognized for innovative ideas and demonstrates the confidence to promote or share those ideas as actionable distilled insights.

The panel was in agreement that in order to be a thought leader, it’s not enough to be creative and innovative. One must also have the ability and confidence to promote their ideas.

Part of the discussion addressed how women are not really good at speaking up and promoting their ideas; how we often take the back seat to men in the workplace. What is the best way to communicate your ideas so that others will be inspired and motivated to support you?

I don’t know why it always surprises me that the majority of these discussions about women and leadership end up focusing on women and self promotion and self confidence. I was sitting in the audience nodding my head. Self confidence and self promotion are necessary ingredients for women’s leadership and career success. I can’t stress it enough. And though my readers are probably tired of reading this, you can have the best ideas and the best business concept, and if you don’t have the confidence to promote your ideas and the skill to communicate effectively, you will not become the thought leader you desire to be. Thought leadership requires both components; the thought and leadership skills. Leadership implies that you have the ability to get your message across to others to both inspire and motivate action on their part.

Of course, the discussion last week also touched on the “double bind” concept that as women we need to be mindful of the way we promote ourselves; men can get away with outright bragging and we can’t. The double bind is widely accepted as part of our current culture. Women need to recognize that there is an art to creating the credibility and visibility you need to be a thought leader without sabotaging your efforts.

First, clarify your thoughts and ideas.

Second, create a compelling and passionate message.

Third, be strategic. Identify the web of influence in your internal and external networks who need to hear your message.

Fourth, develop a communication/action plan to consistently be visible to these stakeholders to communicate your message.

Fifth, follow the action plan and modify as necessary.

Use the energy and passion you have for your ideas to propel you into action. Once you are motivated to action, as a thought leader you need to communicate your message to inspire and motivate others to action.

Can this cautious outlook sometimes work against us? It is possible, in my opinion, to be so cautious that you never move forward in your business or career. Being overly cautious can paralyze you.

Almost every major milestone in my own career has been due to me taking an enormous leap of faith and trying something new; something perhaps I was not totally prepared for but decided to embrace regardless. When a door opened, I ran through it and never worried how I would master what was required to be successful in this new opportunity. I’m not saying that every time I took a risk, it worked out well. There have been times that I have fallen flat on my face. When this happens, it’s important to dust yourself off, gather your wits about you, and start all over again. In other words, never let your failures prevent you from learning a lesson, picking yourself up, and seizing the next opportunity that comes along with the same passion and energy.

What is the essential ingredient we all need to have in order to take a risk? Self confidence! Self confidence fuels your persistence and determination and helps propel you through any open door. In fact, with enough self confidence, you won’t even wait until a door of opportunity opens for you, you’ll go find it!

It’s critical for your success, whether you are an entrepreneur or corporate professional, to periodically connect with your value and talent to establish and grow your foundation of self confidence. This, in my opinion, is the secret to success.

We need to periodically connect with our value and talent because we often take our accomplishments for granted. We lose that connection to what is unique and wonderful about us. Do whatever it takes to honor your accomplishments and ability. One suggestion I make repeatedly is to keep a success journal and record all your accomplishments and review your entries each week, celebrate your achievements, and think about what these successes say about you. This will fuel your self confidence and your ability to take on new opportunities, which, in turn, will lead to career and business success.

Self confidence is the secret of success.

In an article written by Clay Shirky, a professor at NYU, titled “A Rant About Women”, he says

“To put yourself forward as someone good enough to do interesting things is, by definition, to expose yourself to all kinds of negative judgments, and as far as I can tell, the fact that other people get to decide what they think of your behavior leaves only two strategies for not suffering from those judgments: not doing anything, or not caring about the reaction”.

He points out in the article that women are more apt to do nothing and less apt than men to take risks and take advantage of important opportunities that may present themselves because they fear failure. He feels women are more concerned with what other people may think of them than what they want to achieve.

This type of behavior definitely has a negative impact for women when it comes to advancing their careers. If we are fearful of taking risks and taking advantage of new opportunities, we will not progress.

Why don’t we raise our hands more? It boils down to fear of failure, fear of what other people will think of us,  lack of self-confidence, and most importantly, our belief that self-promoting behavior is not appropriate or acceptable.

Further in the article Clay writes:

“Another of my great students, now a peer and friend, saw a request from a magazine reporter doing a tech story and looking for examples. My friend, who’d previously been too quiet about her work, decided to write the reporter and say “My work is awesome. You should write about it.”

The reporter looked at her work and wrote back saying, “Your work is indeed awesome, and I will write about it. I also have to tell you you are the only woman who suggested her own work. Men do that all the time, but women wait for someone else to recommend them.”

When I look back at my own career, I can see that every major turning point involved me stepping up and raising my hand in some way. Yes, I will take the job to run a cardiac rehab center even though I have no business experience.  Yes, I will move to Chicago from the east coast to run a company when I have never been a CEO before. Yes, I will leave corporate America to start my own business because I believe in my ability to be successful. And most recently, I said “yes” to VoiceAmerica when they called to ask me to become a radio host. I had no experience, but my belief in myself and my willingness to fail  (in a very public way I might add) were major factors.

This is why I now focus my efforts on helping women promote themselves; because quite simple, we don’t raise our hands enough. Yes, there are many possible reasons why we are not better at self-advancement, but the consequences of not doing this well have a huge impact on the progress of women in business.

It turns out that the earliest form of this idiom was first recorded in 1581, and the description is to “be upset or irritated, especially when displaced by someone”. Your “nose is out of joint” when the look on your face and the way you act shows other people that you are upset. Although a nose cannot actually be “out of joint”, a person who is upset may have a strange look on their face until they recover.

So that leads me to another question. How do you react when you are upset with something that someone did or said to you? Does your nose get “out of joint” or are you able to clearly communicate verbally why you are upset?

I think we tend to suffer in silence. When someone says something to us that upsets us, we internalize it and don’t verbally respond, at least not right away.  Later when another person asks us why we are upset, we might share what happened and how the particular incident affected us. If we follow this course of action, however, we miss the opportunity to give feedback to the person who caused us pain or irritation. Often they hear it from a third party and you know how that goes. Just like the old game of telephone, the communication gets mixed up and muddled.

This leads me to another question. Why don’t we give immediate direct feedback about how we feel to the person who upsets us? Why do we rely on body language to convey our message when it can be so easily misinterpreted or even overlooked?

I can offer some theories:

• We are fearful of the reaction of the other party.
• We lack the confidence to express our feelings directly.
• We don’t understand how assertive communication can benefit a relationship.
• It’s much easier to be passive aggressive and tell everyone else how upset we are than confront the other person directly.
• A combination of all of the above

What about you? How do you react when someone upsets you? Do you communicate directly to the other person how you feel or do you get your “nose out of joint”, make a little grimace and move on?

If you don’t assert yourself and communicate directly, you miss an opportunity to build or strengthen a personal or professional relationship.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Are you more likely to say, “Thank you. I worked very hard on that project and I am proud of how it all came together”?  Or do you say, “Oh, it was nothing”?

A good friend tells you that you look very nice and they love your new outfit. What do you say?

Do you say something like, “This old outfit? I’ve had it for years”?

Why can’t we say, “THANK YOU”?

Why can’t we take credit for our accomplishments and acknowledge when someone is complimenting us?

There was an interesting article May 4th in the Wall Street Journal on this topic of accepting praise, Why Do Compliments Cause So Much Grief? The author, Mick Wiggins, commented that we have no difficulty acknowledging compliments from those people we crave them from: peers, bosses, the opposite sex, wives, and even strangers some times.

Yet, he noted that we do have trouble sometimes listening to our loved ones and closest friends.

My mom will be delighted to tell you all about this. Recently, I told her about a flattering note I’d received from an old (male) friend. And she shrieked in exasperation: “For years, I’ve been telling you what he just said, but you never bother to listen to me”.

I had to smile when I read this because I don’t know how many times I have said that same thing in frustration to my family and friends!

Another interesting point the author brings up is that we only hear what we want to hear. If we are feeling really secure, we have less difficulty accepting the praise. During times of self-doubt and insecurity, we will react very differently and either misinterpret the compliment and the intent, or put ourselves down instead of graciously acknowledging the compliment.

In my recent interview with Marci Shimoff on Head Over Heels Women’s Business Radio, Marci suggested that we have what’s called a negativity bias. She calls it the Velcro Teflon Syndrome. What this means is that we tend to Velcro to us the negative things that happen to us. The positive things are more like Teflon and tend to slide off.

She gives an example of how you are at work and during the course of the day, you got ten compliments and one criticism. When you drive home at night, what do you remember?

The criticism, right?

We need to reverse the Velcro Teflon Syndrome so that when we receive positive feedback on our work, for example, we say, “Thank you. I really worked hard on it and I’m glad you appreciate it”, instead of “Oh, it was nothing”.

I think that when we listen carefully to the compliments and positive feedback that come our way from anyone and acknowledge the praise, it can actually boost our self esteem. That being said, we need to be mindful about the process. Instead of letting the compliment slide off, velcro it. Resist the impulse to shrug is off and put yourself down. Listen, register the compliment, and accept the praise.

Listen and acknowledge and recognize that you deserve the praise!

Women are much more likely than men to take a “no” as a personal rejection and final answer. In fact, the fear of rejection will often keep us from asking for things we rightly deserve.

Let’s look at the situation of a salary negotiation or performance review. Perhaps we were expecting a large raise and only received a small one. How often will we say “thank you” when we receive the small raise even though we thought we deserved more? It is possible that this presents a missed opportunity. It could be that “no” means ” not right now” or even a possible “maybe”.

Does the possibility of rejection keep you from asking for more and continuing the discussion about how and when a larger raise is possible?

How often in your career have you held back from asking for something (a promotion, flex time, a raise, a new office, etc) because you feared rejection?

If you are interested in a promotion for example, don’t assume that your boss knows what you want. You may be very disappointed when you are passed over for that job. Make your intentions well known. State your case. What is the worst thing that could happen? If he/she says “no” to the promotion at least you know that you stated what you want and now there is an opportunity to find out more about why this position is not right for you at this point in time and what you can do to get the necessary skills for a future position. Perhaps it will open up a door for mentoring or coaching or other resources for you.

You never know until you ask.

In 2010, make this a resolution. Ask for what you want and need. “No” is not always a definitive “no”. It can often be an opportunity to gain more information.

You will never know until you ask!

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Also, check out my new January teleclasses:

Promote Yourself to Success (3 one hour sessions). $99. Class limited to 6

90 Day Action Marketing Group (6 one hour sessions). $99. Class limited to 6.

for more information and registration:

http://womenssuccesscoaching.com/services/group-coaching/

Often a lack of self-confidence and limiting beliefs around being assertive get in our way and hold us back from this direct approach. When we choose other styles of communication (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive), the impact of our message can be diluted or perhaps even misunderstood.

Assertiveness teaches us:

• The clearest  most productive and effective way to communicate is honestly and openly.
• It is OK to be powerful (in control of my life) and self-validating (a friend to myself).
• When I act assertively, others can relate to me assertively (open, honestly).
• Listening and expressing myself are equally important
• Assertive communication is based on clear information and not assumptions

What is your communicate style? Can you assert yourself and communicate in a direct manner? Assertive communication is an excellent way to own your personal power and create the credibility that you deserve in the workplace.

Why don’t we do what we instinctively know we should do? Are our reasons valid or just excuses?

Often our fears and limiting beliefs make up most of our “buts” and we sabotage ourselves by listening to these messages. They hold us back and keep us in our comfort zone.

Mixed messages relative to our professional success as women continually create this internal tug of war. We want to be successful, yet we worry about what the tolerance for our message is with our friends, colleagues, peers, prospects, and clients.

After all, we are women and as women we should be humble and polite and take the back seat. We have experienced the criticism of the Hillary Clintons of the world have received for being too pushy and aggressive. Yet all the business advice and media push calls for us to assert and promote ourselves as equals in the workplace. It’s this push and pull that creates the “yes, but” mentality.

We feel compelled to please everyone, yet we want to succeed. At some level, we are concerned that leadership positions and business success will make us seem pushy.

Can you relate to any of these “yes, buts”?

• Yes, I am accomplished, BUT it’s not right brag about it.
• Yes, I am ambitious, BUT I can’t appear to be too assertive.
• Yes, I deserve a higher salary, BUT I don’t feel comfortable asking for a raise.

What “yes, buts” do you recite to yourself all the time?

It’s time to connect with your confidence and do what you know is best for you to be successful.

No, “yes, buts”. Just a firm YES, I WILL!