It’s our nature as women due to our upbringing to defer to others and consider others before ourselves. And we need to understand how this type of behavior can sabotage our careers; how being a nice girl result in you being invisible in the workplace; how you can lose respect and you may be perceived by others as not being competent. The nice girl syndrome will hold you back from leadership positions.

Featured Guest

My guest today, Dr. Lois Frankel, will help us to define the nice girl syndrome, understand why this type of behavior sabotages our careers, and what steps we can take to change our behavior. President of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California consulting firm, Dr. Frankel literally wrote the book on coaching people to succeed in businesses large and small around the globe and she is associated with helping women overcome their Nice girl behavior. Her books Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, co-authored with Carol Frohlinger, are great resources for women who want to win the respect and success they deserve. Sought-after as a public speaker, Dr. Frankel is among the top names of international speakers. She has appeared on The Today Show, Larry King Live, CNN, and Fox News and been featured in USA Today, People magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Drop Dead Diva creator, Josh Berman, has optioned the rights to all three nice girls books for a comedy series. For more information about Dr. Frankel’s books, speaking topics and services, please visit her website, www.drloisfrankel.com.

Listen or download the January 30, 2012 show.

For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a  wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.

Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.

Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others. 

It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!

There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html  that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.

This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).

Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.

1. Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
2. Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
3. Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
4. State your opinions clearly.
5. Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
6. Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
7. Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
8. Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
9. Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
10. Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
11. Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
12. Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
13. Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.

My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.

My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?

I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty,  and  thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.

I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.

Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing.  It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded.  If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of..  I don’t know the right word.  Also your co- worker knows that it was you.  Besides the work is for the team right?”

Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea.  Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose.  We all can get great ideas.  If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”

Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.

Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth.  How I made the suggestion and she stole it.  He found her actions amusing.  He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke.  I just communicated the facts.  It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile.  Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“  Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.

Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”

Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!

There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.

Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”

Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like:  Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis.  However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday.  I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”

Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”

 Rebecca added this.  “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better.  The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”

Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”

Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!

Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?

The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.

Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.

We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.

Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.

Sometimes ideas come to me at the strangest times, like when I’m taking a shower, at 2 am when I can’t sleep, or when I’m driving my car. But when a great idea comes along you know it right away, right?

This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. As I was driving my car, a light bulb went off. I suddenly thought of a terrific idea to move a struggling project forward. I was certain that this new innovative approach to a stale project would have a positive impact on the project as well as my department and I couldn’t wait to share it with one of my co-workers.

The next day I met my colleague for lunch and I was bubbling over with enthusiasm as I told her my idea. She was equally excited and validated my strategy and creativity. I couldn’t wait to present this at our next senior staff meeting later in the week.

In the senior staff meeting, we made our way through the agenda and the troubled project became the focus of our discussion. I was already thinking about the best way to present my idea when my colleague addressed the senior team with a potential solution; MY SOLUTION! She stole my idea!

My face immediately flushed and I could feel my heart rate accelerate. I didn’t know what to say or do.

This a theoretical situation but my question to you is this: What should I do in this situation?

Has this ever happened to you? What did you do and how did it turn out?

Please email me your thoughts and I will post them next week along with some of my suggestions for how to handle the situation.

It’s a new year and another opportunity to celebrate! As the holiday season and 2011 come to a close, we welcome 2012 with much fanfare. Parties, fireworks, horn blowing and champagne mark the beginning of another year.

It’s also a great time for reflection. What was special about this past year? What was disappointing? We all have memories that we cherish from 2011 and memories that perhaps make us sad, angry, or dissatisfied.

I was thinking this morning that in preparation for 2012 I would like to focus on the positive things that happened this past year and bring that positive energy to the start of this next year. How to do that?

How about packing an imaginary suitcase for your journey through 2012? Let’s take out a BIG suitcase and pack all the positive and wonderful things we want to bring with us in to the new year. As we reflect back on the past year, we can consciously leave behind whatever we think is not serving us in a positive supportive manner. (For instance, I’d like to leave behind the 5 pounds I gained over Christmas!)

Here are some suggestions:

1. First and most importantly, pack all your accomplishments from this past year. Write a list of every success no matter how small and put it in the suitcase along with a large container of pride for your achievements. This will help you continue your success in 2012.
2. What memories from this past year bring a smile to your face? Is it something that your children did? A new grandchild? A special time with family and friends? Make room in your suitcase for this! We certainly want to bring smiles and positive feelings into the new year.
3. Another important thing to pack is our gratitude for living another year in good health and having family and friends around us for love and support. Pack the gratitude for everything that you have to offer; your unique talent, your skills, your experience, your clients, your colleagues.
4. Last but not least, I think we need to leave some room for the opportunities that 2012 will bring to all of us. We need to have enough room in our suitcase so that these opportunities will not only present themselves but become reality.

What will you pack for your journey into 2012 and what do you want to leave behind?

Happy New Year and best wishes for a healthy and prosperous 2012!

Do you know that your body language can sabotage your message before you even open your mouth? This podcast will help us to learn about the common mistakes we make with body language and how we can use it to our advantage in business. It’s a fascinating topic and one we all need to know more about.

Featured Guest

My guest today is Carol Kinsey Goman. Carol is a keynote speaker and author of The NonVerbal Advantage-Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work and most recently, The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help or Hurt How You Lead. Her books are important resources for all of us who want to better position themselves in business and I’m sure you’ll agree after listening to Carol. 

Carol is president of Kinsey Consulting Services. She has worked with over 130 organizations in twenty-one countries. Her work has been featured on CNN, Bloomberg Television, and NBC News. Carol addresses associations, government and business audiences around the world on this and other strategic business issues. You can learn more about Carol and her books and services at www.NonVerbalAdvantage.com and www.ckg.com.

Listen to the January 2nd podcast.

A prospective client called me last week about my coaching services. She had read an article of mine about how to prepare for an interview and was seeking help to better position herself for employment. We talked for a couple of minutes and I asked her what she does. It’s a simple question, right? We are asked this question all the time, but when I posed the question to her she could not answer it. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“See”, she said. “This is my problem.” I can’t talk about myself let alone describe what I do. Turns out she is a financial analyst and had dropped out for 18 months to have a child and seems to have lost her way.

Of course, I hear this from men and women who are employed as well. We all get so tied up in our daily lives and everyday tasks that it is easy to lose touch with who we are and what is special and unique about us. We lose touch with who we are. I mean who we REALLY are.

Why do we lose touch? Well, we get distracted by the clutter in our lives. We are bombarded daily by the media with new promotions, new opportunities, new gadgets and technology, new theories. It’s easy to get distracted from the essence of who we are unless we are willing to take the time for introspection and meditation.

What’s missing is the connection with our core essence. What makes each of us unique?

I do many workshops to help professionals connect with their value and what I have discovered is that many of us are so disconnected that we lose our way. We need a foundation. We need to re-establish this connection with our value and establish a strong belief in ourselves and our capabilities and strengths. I’m not talking about the normal hype or the mundane adjectives we often use to describe ourselves, but the connection with our true authentic selves.

Do yourself a favor and take some time to re-establish this connection. What are your strengths and what do you contribute to your organization, your family, your community? How would others describe you? Dig deep until you truly understand your value, not what you think others expect of you or what you think you should be. If you dig deep enough you will find your core essence.

It is this core essence that provides the foundation for your confidence and well-being. It is this foundation that will free you to talk about yourself in a positive way and promote yourself with conviction.

Women have had to deal with the double-bind or “backlash effect” in business for decades and it has frequently been the topic of many discussions about how women can overcome this prejudice to advance their careers.

In a nutshell, this double-bind is:

To be successful, you must be assertive and confident, but if you are aggressive as a woman you are sometimes punished for behaving in ways that are contrary to the feminine stereotype.

Now, there is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business that shows:

In the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.

The research suggests that for women to be successful they must simultaneously present themselves as self–confident and dominant while tempering these qualities with displays of communal characteristics.

Women who had more masculine traits (defined as aggressive, assertive, and confident) AND who could temper their behavior (self-monitor their behavior) depending on social circumstances, were actually more successful than either men or other women.

The key is to learn how to self-monitor your behavior. It is still vitally important to assert yourself confidently in the business environment. If you want to advance your career, you need to establish visibility and credibility for yourself. People associate competence with confidence so the more confident you are, the more others will perceive you as competent.

“There is no evidence that ‘acting like a lady’ does anything except make women more well liked,” O’Neill said. “Women with ultra–feminine traits, in fact, are still seen as less competent in traditional managerial settings.”

That being said, it is also important to know when to listen, acknowledge others, and work and empower your team. When your behavior comes across as too self-serving, you will get that “backlash effect”.

“The interesting thing here is that being able to regulate one’=’s masculine behavior does not simply put women on par with men, it gives them even more of an advantage,” notes O’Neill. “This shows that for women who do want success at the managerial level, the paths are there.”

This is certainly encouraging news. Yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the work place, still remains an issue for many women.

What are your thoughts about the double-bind?

We now live in a transparent world. Our personal and professional stories reside on the internet and will remain there in perpetuity. Our resumes, our profiles, our photos, videos, testimonials will endure long after our lifetime.

It seems that everyone knows everything about you. But how well do you know yourself? Are you living an authentic life?

We all have core values that define the essence of who we are. Quite simply, mine are based on the importance I place on my family and friends and living an active, healthy lifestyle. Other important values are integrity, respect, good work ethic. Once I define my core values, I can ask myself how well does my life align with these values? For, in fact, to live an authentic life, I should make my decisions based on these values.

By example, I may have a choice to go kayaking with friends or stay at home and eat a big bowl of ice cream (mmmmm!) The choice that best aligns with my personal core values is kayaking with friends. If I choose to eat the ice cream instead, it would not align with the value I place on living an active healthy lifestyle. I might enjoy the ice cream, but probably wouldn’t feel very good about myself afterwards. That decision would not be in alignment with my core values; the essence of who I am.

Another example may be that you are asked to take a long business trip for your company and as a result, you will miss an important family event. You agree to go on the trip, but don’t feel good about yourself because you value your family more. (We are always faced with these types of decisions and in fact, we don’t always feel we have a choice).

The point is that in order to live an authentic life,  our core values should drive all our actions and decisions. When our decisions are in alignment with these values, we are living an authentic life and feel good about ourselves.

So how do you stay on track? The first step is to identify your core values and write them down. When you are faced with tough decisions (this is unavoidable as we face them everyday), look at your list of values. Understand that you will feel the best about yourself when your decision aligns with your values. Understand also, that you may not always feel you can make the choice that is best aligned with your values. When this occurs, we are making sacrifices and don’t always feel good about ourselves as a result.

Your core values are not only the foundation of who you are, but also your best road map to living an authentic life; a life in which you feel great about yourself and your decisions.

This is a guest post by Lisa Bloom, author of The New York Times best-seller, Think: Straight Talk For Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World

I went to a dinner party at a friend’s home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.

Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”

But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.

What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere complement to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.

Hold that thought for just a moment.

This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s next top model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

That’s why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.

“Maya,” I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, “very nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.

“Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I’m nuts for them. I let that show.

Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.

“I LOVE books,” I said.  “Do you?”

Most kids do.

“YES,” she said. “And I can read them all by myself now!”

“Wow, amazing!” I said. And it is, for a five year old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.

“What’s your favorite book?” I asked.

“I’ll go get it! Can I read it to you?”

Purplicious was Maya’s pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.

Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It’s surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I’m stubborn.

I told her that I’d just written a book, and that I hoped she’d write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we’d read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.

So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.

Here’s to changing the world, one little girl at a time.

© 2011 Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk For Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World

Author Bio
Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed Down World, is an award-winning journalist, legal analyst, trial attorney, and the daughter of renowned women’s rights attorney, Gloria Allred.

A daily fixture on American television for the last decade, Bloom is currently the CBS News legal analyst, appearing frequently on The Early Show and CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, as well as the legal analyst for The Dr. Phil Show. Bloom appears regularly on CNN and HLN prime time shows such as Issues With Jane Velez-Mitchell, The Joy Behar Show, Anderson Cooper 360, and The Situation Room. She has been featured on Oprah, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, Rachael Ray, and many more, and she was a nightly panelist on The Insider throughout 2010. From 2001-2009, Bloom hosted her own daily, live, national show on Court TV, and she has guest-hosted Larry King Live, The Early Show, and Showbiz Tonight.

Bloom has written numerous popular and scholarly articles for the Los Angeles Times, Family Circle, the National Law Journal, CNN.com, the Daily Beast, and many more.      She has also been profiled, featured, and quoted in hundreds of publications, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, Elle, Ladies’ Home Journal, and Variety.

For more information please visit http://think.tv/ and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter