How to Talk to Little Girls
This is a guest post by Lisa Bloom, author of The New York Times best-seller, Think: Straight Talk For Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World
I went to a dinner party at a friend’s home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”
But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere complement to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s next top model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That’s why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
“Maya,” I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, “very nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
“Hey, what are you reading?” I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I’m nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
“I LOVE books,” I said. “Do you?”
Most kids do.
“YES,” she said. “And I can read them all by myself now!”
“Wow, amazing!” I said. And it is, for a five year old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
“What’s your favorite book?” I asked.
“I’ll go get it! Can I read it to you?”
Purplicious was Maya’s pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It’s surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I’m stubborn.
I told her that I’d just written a book, and that I hoped she’d write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we’d read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.
Here’s to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
© 2011 Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk For Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World
Author Bio
Lisa Bloom, author of Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed Down World, is an award-winning journalist, legal analyst, trial attorney, and the daughter of renowned women’s rights attorney, Gloria Allred.
A daily fixture on American television for the last decade, Bloom is currently the CBS News legal analyst, appearing frequently on The Early Show and CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, as well as the legal analyst for The Dr. Phil Show. Bloom appears regularly on CNN and HLN prime time shows such as Issues With Jane Velez-Mitchell, The Joy Behar Show, Anderson Cooper 360, and The Situation Room. She has been featured on Oprah, Nightline, Today, Good Morning America, Rachael Ray, and many more, and she was a nightly panelist on The Insider throughout 2010. From 2001-2009, Bloom hosted her own daily, live, national show on Court TV, and she has guest-hosted Larry King Live, The Early Show, and Showbiz Tonight.
Bloom has written numerous popular and scholarly articles for the Los Angeles Times, Family Circle, the National Law Journal, CNN.com, the Daily Beast, and many more. She has also been profiled, featured, and quoted in hundreds of publications, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, Elle, Ladies’ Home Journal, and Variety.
For more information please visit http://think.tv/ and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter
Are You Connected to Your Value?
Think about it. When do you feel the most stress at work? According to author Tony Schwartz in a recent post on Harvard Business Review, we feel the most stress when our value is threatened.
Across more than 200 studies of the effects of stress, researchers have found that the highest rises in cortisol levels — meaning the most pernicious “fight or flight” response — are prompted by “threats to one’s social acceptance, esteem and status”.
When someone puts us down or criticizes us, we not only get upset and feel under- appreciated, but very often we move into a defensive state of mind.
To feel valued (and valuable) is almost as compelling a need as food. The more our value feels at risk, the more preoccupied we become with defending and restoring it, and the less value we’re capable of creating in the world.
Two things struck me as significant in this statement. First, are we so disconnected to our value that someone elses criticism can throw us off guard and upset us? And as a result of this disconnect, how is it possible that we become so focused on defending our value that we can actually lose our value in the process?
First let me address the disconnection. Our lives are so crazy busy these days, it’s all we can do to keep up with our responsibilities at home and at work. Everyday we are running at full speed and focusing on completing our to-do list. How often do we take the time to identify our strengths and establish a lasting connection to our value? Without a strong connection to our value, we are trying to navigate a boat through strong currents without a rudder.
Tony Schwartz suggests, “Our challenge is always to reconnect to our own core value — even when someone else’s criticism cuts deep. What that requires, first and foremost, is compassion for ourselves.”
I think we need to take this one step further and intentionally make the connection to our core value. Take the time to identify what makes you unique; your strengths. Make a note each day of your accomplishments and successes in a journal and think about what these achievements say about you. This is your value proposition. No one can take this away from you. It is the foundation of how you promote yourself at work. This is your rudder.
With this connection to your value, no one will be able to set you so off course that your only new course is to defend yourself. Stay focused on your value and even if you are temporarily upset when someone puts you down, you will be able to quickly get back on track.
You Gotta Crow: The Benefits of Bragging
Do you remember Peter Pan telling Wendy “I’ve Gotta Crow”? Wendy says to him, “Oh Peter, you’re so conceited”, and he replies with his song:
It’s just that I am what I am
And I’m me!
I look at myself
And I see in myself
All the wonderful things that I am
If I’m pleased with myself
I have ev’ry good reason to be.
What do you see in your mirror? My guess is your focus in more related to your perceived flaws that “all the wonderful things” that are unique and wonderful about you.
That being said, I think that somewhere deep down we all understand that we do have wonderful things to brag about, but we bury them because bragging is not acceptable in our society, especially for women. Sometimes we bury the positives so well it’s difficult to uncover them. The consequence is that we become disconnected to our positive qualities and more connected to what we consider to be our weaknesses. Just ask any woman to talk about her weaknesses and see how long she can discuss the topic versus her difficulty acknowledging her accomplishments.
Of course, this is all intimately related to self promotion. It is vitally important to stay connected to your value and believe in yourself in order to promote yourself.
How do you do that?
Well, maybe we should all practice bragging!
I’m not saying that we should brag in public because I know that often backfires. What I am recommending is that you practice bragging to yourself. Every day find at least one thing to “crow” about. In fact, put bragging on your to do list. Brag a little, pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments and all your unique qualities.
One daily dose of bragging will boost your immune system and self confidence, and help you stay intimately connected with your value.
What would you like to brag about today? Write a comment!
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all? Who’s the smartest? Who’s the most successful?
If you’re like most women I know, you will look at your reflection in the mirror and knock yourself down, and look for ways to berate yourself.
Why is this so? In a New York Times article last week, author Stuart Bradford quotes Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of human development at University of Texas at Austin.
I found that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.
According to the author, research suggests “that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health.”
Do we ever give ourselves a break though? We set high standards for ourselves. Sometimes we can’t possibly meet these standards. Often our goals and expectations are unrealistic. That doesn’t stop us, however, from beating ourselves up when we fall short of where we think we should be.
When we don’t have confidence, we look to others for validation. We look to our partner to complete us. We measure our success by our wealth. But at the end of the day, there is really no one who can give us this confidence but ourselves. It needs to come from within us, not from any image in a mirror.
If we accept the fact that self-compassion is better for our overall health and well being, how do we get there? It is, after all, very difficult to unlearn years of behavior.
The first step in any personal development work is to be aware that you need to boost your self-compassion and confidence. Once you identify this is an area that you need to address, you can begin to look for methods that work for you. Dr. Neff recommends that we consciously work to develop a habit of self-compassion. She suggests positive affirmations, meditation, writing a letter of support. I would add keeping a journal of your successes.
It takes time and effort to change behavior and belief systems, but the next time you look in the mirror, try to see yourself as others see you. Be gentle with yourself. Recite your positive affirmations to your reflection and SMILE.
Be Thankful for YOU!
This is the time of year when we reflect on everything we are grateful for. We give thanks for all the wonderful people in our lives; family, friends, business colleagues. They all contribute to our personal and professional well being and it’s important to take the time to appreciate their presence and contributions to our lives.
I think we should also look inward and be thankful for our own talent and the wonderful and unique qualities we have. We tend to take ourselves for granted. We put ourselves down. Often we don’t take ownership of our accomplishments and successes.
This Thanksgiving give yourself the gift of YOU. Take the time to write out what is special about you, personally and professionally.
What have you accomplished this year?
What qualities do you bring to your personal and professional relationships?
Write it all down and review the list.
Celebrate and be thankful for everything you are!
Take Off Your Mask for Halloween
Don’t you love Halloween? It’s not just because of the sweet treats. It’s so much fun to dress up in costume and take on the identity of someone or something else for the day. The holiday festivities give us an excuse to put on a mask and adopt a new persona. Perhaps we choose to be someone funny, or maybe we become a scary monster. Maybe we don some sexy clothing that’s totally out of character for us, or maybe we become a super hero who possesses super natural powers.
Halloween is fun. No doubt about it. As I was thinking about the holiday this year, it dawned on me, however, how scary it is to take OFF your mask, to look in the mirror and challenge yourself to be YOU; to be your authentic self.
In actuality, I think many of us hide behind masks all year long. We adopt different personas in our personal and professional lives because we believe we need them to be successful or be more like able. We create stories about ourselves and these stories become who we are. We lose our authentic selves in the process.
To me, the process of stripping away all these stories and personas we’ve created is far more frightening than any Halloween costume. We choose to hide behind our masks because we feel the need to protect ourselves; because somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that if people knew who we really are, they wouldn’t like us or we wouldn’t be successful.
Many of us don’t even realize that we have taken on different identities and the effect this has on our lives. We don’t realize how much MORE successful, personable, and powerful we would be without the mask. And how much stress does hiding your authentic self cause in your life?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel you are being authentic at work?
- Are you being rewarded for being authentic at work?
- Have you adopted a management/leadership style that doesn’t feel comfortable because of your company’s culture?
- What type of “mask” are you hiding behind in your personal relationships?
- Are you more authentic with some people than others? What does this tell you?
Choose to connect with your authentic self.
This Halloween, take OFF your mask. It’s the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
Your Portable Power
This past week, I interviewed five time CEO and author Margaret Heffernan on Head over Heels Radio. Our discussion covered many interesting topics relative to women and business, but one that really got my attention was what Margaret refers to as “portable power”.
Portable power according to Heffernan is unique to each person. It is the sum total of your skills and experience, your professional and personal networks, and your financial independence. You own this power and take it with you wherever you go.
I have given this topic more thought and a couple of questions come to mind. How many women are actually aware of their portable power? If they were more connected to their portable power, would they behave differently?
Let’s try to do our own assessment. How would you rate your own portable power as defined by Margaret Heffernan?
1. Skills and Experience
- List all your business and personal skills.
Business: i.e. computer skills, analytical skills, business acumen, selling skills, creativity, problem solving, team player, visionary
Personal: i.e. organized, tenacious, passionate, loving and nurturing, soulful, healthy, focused, outgoing
- List your business and personal experiences
What has your experience in business taught you?
what companies have you worked for?
what industries?
what different types of positions?
what have you learned about running a department? your own business?
What life lessons have you learned?
childhood experiences
relationships, children
community activity
living in different parts of the country, the world
travel
education, reading
2. Rate your personal and professional network strength
- Personal:
Who is in your personal network? Look at your email address book, Facebook and other social media friends, your cell phone contact list.
Estimate the number. I bet it’s a lot, right?
- Professional:
Your professional network consists of business colleagues from past as well as current positions, people you have met through networking events and online.
Count your social media connections as well.
Which is larger, your personal or professional network? Where is your strength?
3. Rate your financial independence
How much money is in your checking account? Your savings account?
What about your 401K? stock portfolio?
Do you own your own home?
Are you worried about paying the rent each month?
How long can you live comfortably without a pay check?
How do you rate your financial independence?
If “portable power” is the sum total of all of this: your skills and experience, professional and personal networks, and financial independence, how powerful are you? Where do you need to devote more time and effort?
AND, will the knowledge of your “portable power” affect your decisions about whether or not to leave your job, start your own business, or leave a bad relationship?
Knowing how much power you have builds the self confidence to choose and make sound decisions. You take this power with you wherever you go. It’s who you are.
Do You Need to Fake it to Make it?
Do you know that low self-esteem can sabotage your career success? In a recent article in Forbes Woman, author Laura Sinberg states that people with low self-esteem often unconsciously sabotage their careers. Sinberg quotes Lois Frankel, PhD, author of Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office.
People with low self-esteem often try to remain under the radar screen because they don’t want to be noticed, but especially in this economy, that is the wrong thing to do.
This quote caught my attention because the focus of my coaching for professional women is to help them create visibility and be on the radar screen of key influencers at work. This is critical for career advancement.
The article also states that, in general, we tend to make assumptions about people who exhibit behavior associated with low self-esteem. One common assumption is that they are not very intelligent. We make these assumptions based on the fact that these people seldom speak up in meetings and if they are called on, they are timid and don’t readily express an opinion.
Other self-sabotaging behavior that is associated with low self-esteem is not asking for raises or promotions. It’s easy to see how all this can negatively impact your career.
Sharon Fontain, who is an expert in self-esteem, states that self-esteem can be learned through the practice of positive self talk.
What you’re doing is working with the unconscious mind, which is extraordinarily powerful and extremely stupid. In other words, it is perfectly within your power to fool your unconscious mind, allowing you to banish low self-esteem for good.
Wow! that’s great news. A regular practice of positive self talk can actually boost your self-esteem. If you feel you are in this category and are victim of negative thoughts about yourself and your ability, it’s time that you did something about it before it dramatically affects your career.
Notice when negative thoughts come up and think of a positive thought to replace it. Practice the positive thought over and over, until you can “fool” your brain. For example, “I will never make it in the company” can be replaced with “I am talented and have a great deal to offer this company. I know that I have the capability to succeed at whatever I attempt”. See how it works?
Make a conscious effort to speak up in meetings with confidence, offer your opinion, volunteer for special projects and other initiatives in the company to make yourself more visible.
Lois Frankel recommends you go one step further and fake it.
Fake it until you make it. This will not only convince your superiors, but it will also help you rejigger your thought processes.
What do you think? Does it work to fake it until you make it?
Listen to my Head over Heels Radio interview with Lois Frankel to learn more ways women unconsciously sabotage their careers and advice on how we can modify our behavior to better position ourselves for advancement.
The Language of Power
In her book, No Ceilings, No Walls, author Susan Colantuono says:
As essential as it is to understand the business of business, it is necessary but insufficient. You not only have to have business strategic and financial acumen, you must also be able to demonstrate it by using the language of power.
Susan talks about the language of power being the language of outcomes and the importance of stating clear business objectives and outcomes to demonstrate the power of your solutions, ideas, goals.
I think that there is, however, a universal language of power that women need to embrace to advance their careers and be successful in any business. We, as women, tend to “skirt” around powerful language.
Case in point, I was at a training class a couple of weeks ago and the presenter, who was exceedingly qualified, stood up to start her presentation with what I think is close to an apology. She said…”well, I just have some handouts here”. OK. Most people probably didn’t even tune into this, but since this is my area of expertise, I could not help but notice. “Just have some handouts”? Why did she feel the need to apologize for her work? It’s almost as if she thought she was putting us out in some way by giving us handouts.
But we all do this all the time. We apologize more than necessary. We use words that diminish or weaken our statements or points of view.
In her book, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, Lois Frankel dedicates a chapter, “How You Sound”, to this topic. Lois writes specifically about using minimizing words such as “just”.
She says,
Minimizing Words are those that diminish the importance or size of an achievement.
Lois emphasizes the point that if we want to be taken seriously, we need to drop these minimizers.
Here’s my point: You can do your homework and create an impactful message and an action plan on how best to increase your credibility and visibility in your workplace, but if you continue to use language that weakens your position, you won’t get the results you desire.
Be conscious of the words you choose. Listen carefully to other women at work and be mindful if they are guilty of the same self-sabotaging behavior. Tactfully let them know the affect it has on their overall message and professional image.
Once you increase your own sensitivity to this, you will be able to change your behavior, delete the minimizers, and use more powerful language to strengthen your message instead of weaken it.
Tune into Head over Heels Radio on Tuesday, August 3rd to hear Susan Colantuono discuss how to use the language of power and other skills that women need to know in order to advance their careers.
Also, you can hear Lois Frankel discuss this as well on Head over Heels archived show, November 10, 2009.
How to Be a Thought Leader
Last week I attended a panel discussion at Barclay’s in New York City on the topic of How to Be a Thought Leader. The panel included Nicki Gilmour, CEO of The Glass Hammer, Carol Hymowitz, Editorial Director of Forbes Woman, and Barbara Jones, of Editorial Director of Hyperion Books. The discussion focused on professional women and thought leadership.
According to Wikipedia,
A thought leader is a futurist or person who is recognized for innovative ideas and demonstrates the confidence to promote or share those ideas as actionable distilled insights.
The panel was in agreement that in order to be a thought leader, it’s not enough to be creative and innovative. One must also have the ability and confidence to promote their ideas.
Part of the discussion addressed how women are not really good at speaking up and promoting their ideas; how we often take the back seat to men in the workplace. What is the best way to communicate your ideas so that others will be inspired and motivated to support you?
I don’t know why it always surprises me that the majority of these discussions about women and leadership end up focusing on women and self promotion and self confidence. I was sitting in the audience nodding my head. Self confidence and self promotion are necessary ingredients for women’s leadership and career success. I can’t stress it enough. And though my readers are probably tired of reading this, you can have the best ideas and the best business concept, and if you don’t have the confidence to promote your ideas and the skill to communicate effectively, you will not become the thought leader you desire to be. Thought leadership requires both components; the thought and leadership skills. Leadership implies that you have the ability to get your message across to others to both inspire and motivate action on their part.
Of course, the discussion last week also touched on the “double bind” concept that as women we need to be mindful of the way we promote ourselves; men can get away with outright bragging and we can’t. The double bind is widely accepted as part of our current culture. Women need to recognize that there is an art to creating the credibility and visibility you need to be a thought leader without sabotaging your efforts.
First, clarify your thoughts and ideas.
Second, create a compelling and passionate message.
Third, be strategic. Identify the web of influence in your internal and external networks who need to hear your message.
Fourth, develop a communication/action plan to consistently be visible to these stakeholders to communicate your message.
Fifth, follow the action plan and modify as necessary.
Use the energy and passion you have for your ideas to propel you into action. Once you are motivated to action, as a thought leader you need to communicate your message to inspire and motivate others to action.
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