How Do You Handle Compliments?
Someone at work approaches you after a meeting and tells you that you did a really great job on a project. What do you say?
Are you more likely to say, “Thank you. I worked very hard on that project and I am proud of how it all came together”? Or do you say, “Oh, it was nothing”?
A good friend tells you that you look very nice and they love your new outfit. What do you say?
Do you say something like, “This old outfit? I’ve had it for years”?
Why can’t we say, “THANK YOU”?
Why can’t we take credit for our accomplishments and acknowledge when someone is complimenting us?
There was an interesting article May 4th in the Wall Street Journal on this topic of accepting praise, Why Do Compliments Cause So Much Grief? The author, Mick Wiggins, commented that we have no difficulty acknowledging compliments from those people we crave them from: peers, bosses, the opposite sex, wives, and even strangers some times.
Yet, he noted that we do have trouble sometimes listening to our loved ones and closest friends.
My mom will be delighted to tell you all about this. Recently, I told her about a flattering note I’d received from an old (male) friend. And she shrieked in exasperation: “For years, I’ve been telling you what he just said, but you never bother to listen to me”.
I had to smile when I read this because I don’t know how many times I have said that same thing in frustration to my family and friends!
Another interesting point the author brings up is that we only hear what we want to hear. If we are feeling really secure, we have less difficulty accepting the praise. During times of self-doubt and insecurity, we will react very differently and either misinterpret the compliment and the intent, or put ourselves down instead of graciously acknowledging the compliment.
In my recent interview with Marci Shimoff on Head Over Heels Women’s Business Radio, Marci suggested that we have what’s called a negativity bias. She calls it the Velcro Teflon Syndrome. What this means is that we tend to Velcro to us the negative things that happen to us. The positive things are more like Teflon and tend to slide off.
She gives an example of how you are at work and during the course of the day, you got ten compliments and one criticism. When you drive home at night, what do you remember?
The criticism, right?
We need to reverse the Velcro Teflon Syndrome so that when we receive positive feedback on our work, for example, we say, “Thank you. I really worked hard on it and I’m glad you appreciate it”, instead of “Oh, it was nothing”.
I think that when we listen carefully to the compliments and positive feedback that come our way from anyone and acknowledge the praise, it can actually boost our self esteem. That being said, we need to be mindful about the process. Instead of letting the compliment slide off, velcro it. Resist the impulse to shrug is off and put yourself down. Listen, register the compliment, and accept the praise.
Listen and acknowledge and recognize that you deserve the praise!
Are You Playing Someone Else’s Game?
Sometimes I think we can make things much more complicated than they really are. We analyze and dissect and re-analyze our behavior and the implications of our behavior until we forget our original intention.
I could be wrong here, but I think we, as women, especially professional women, expend a great deal of energy second guessing ourselves. Do you find that’s true for you? Why can’t we just be our authentic selves and act accordingly? Why don’t we believe that if we act authentically it’s enough to be successful?
I recently read a great article by Margaret Heffernan about “What’s the True Test of a Tough Leader?” Margaret tells the story from her own experience of trying to be tough and prove to everyone that she had what it took to lead a company. The article describes a dinner she had with a union boss where she ate the duck’s tongues, chicken’s feet and gizzards he had ordered, to prove to him that she could be tough on negotiating new contracts. Of course, she later realized how foolish she had been. Being tough in this case could have meant being true to herself and signaling the waiter to order something else. Which behavior would have been easier for her to “swallow”? :>)
Margaret’s article speaks to the issue of women trying to play someone else’s game; trying to prove themselves as tough leaders. I think we all fall into traps occasionally when we play someone else’s game in business because we think that we “should” act a certain way to be respected or noticed or promoted. I have read countless books and articles on female leadership, for instance, that speak about what it takes to make it in business, that call for women to learn behavior that is not in alignment with their authentic selves. Will we ever really be successful this way?
The more reading we do; the more advice we receive; the more confused we become and the more we begin to second guess ourselves. First and foremost, we need to believe in ourselves and have the confidence to trust our instincts. Without that foundation of trust, we can be influenced and pulled in so many directions that we lose the focus of where we’re going. Armed with a strong belief in self and a strong sense of our identity, we can then evaluate the advice that bombards us every day and decide whether it works for us. Isn’t this better than turning ourselves inside out to try to change in a way that will never really work for us in the long term?
So how do women in business succeed? How do we become successful in a male dominated culture and still be our authentic selves? First of all, we need to recognize what value we bring to an organization or situation and be confident that our talent and experience benefits the company in a variety of ways. Then we need to think strategically about how to best communicate our value and to whom. One of the major issues I see with my coaching clients is the inability to see what value they bring to the table, either in their job or with their own business. How can you “sell” yourself to others when you don’t understand this?
Connect with who you are and what value you bring and from that position of strength and confidence, evaluate the advice you receive. Don’t play someone else’s game. We can be “tough” by making a connection to our own power and we don’t need to eat duck’s tongues to prove it!
Identify Your Gremlins: What Holds You Back From Success?
What are gremlins, anyway? Gremlins are those nasty little voices inside your head that constantly put you down and remind you that in some way, shape, or form, you are not good enough. These gremlins are powerful little creatures that live and often thrive in your subconscious. Often, we have adopted negative beliefs about ourselves from our parents, colleagues, friends, enemies, or strangers we have met along the way. Gremlins become vocal just when they think we are most vulnerable and feed into our self doubt and fears. Though these inner voices may have started working initially to protect us from being embarrassed or from failure, their continued presence holds us back from reaching our maximum potential.
What’s with all the negative thoughts?
How often-even before we began-have we declared a task “impossible”? And how often have we construed a picture of ourselves as being inadequate?….A great deal depends upon the thought patterns we choose and on the persistence with which we affirm them.
–Piero Ferrucci
Much has been said recently about the Laws of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. You cannot escape the hype these days about “The Secret” and how you have the ability to attract whatever you want in your life. The basic premise of both the Laws of Attraction and The Secret is that you can change your life by creating positive intentions around what you want instead of focusing on what you do not have. There have actually been some scientific studies that demonstrate how positive thinking effects your brain and thought patterns.
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