A prospective client called me last week about my coaching services. She had read an article of mine about how to prepare for an interview and was seeking help to better position herself for employment. We talked for a couple of minutes and I asked her what she does. It’s a simple question, right? We are asked this question all the time, but when I posed the question to her she could not answer it. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“See”, she said. “This is my problem.” I can’t talk about myself let alone describe what I do. Turns out she is a financial analyst and had dropped out for 18 months to have a child and seems to have lost her way.

Of course, I hear this from men and women who are employed as well. We all get so tied up in our daily lives and everyday tasks that it is easy to lose touch with who we are and what is special and unique about us. We lose touch with who we are. I mean who we REALLY are.

Why do we lose touch? Well, we get distracted by the clutter in our lives. We are bombarded daily by the media with new promotions, new opportunities, new gadgets and technology, new theories. It’s easy to get distracted from the essence of who we are unless we are willing to take the time for introspection and meditation.

What’s missing is the connection with our core essence. What makes each of us unique?

I do many workshops to help professionals connect with their value and what I have discovered is that many of us are so disconnected that we lose our way. We need a foundation. We need to re-establish this connection with our value and establish a strong belief in ourselves and our capabilities and strengths. I’m not talking about the normal hype or the mundane adjectives we often use to describe ourselves, but the connection with our true authentic selves.

Do yourself a favor and take some time to re-establish this connection. What are your strengths and what do you contribute to your organization, your family, your community? How would others describe you? Dig deep until you truly understand your value, not what you think others expect of you or what you think you should be. If you dig deep enough you will find your core essence.

It is this core essence that provides the foundation for your confidence and well-being. It is this foundation that will free you to talk about yourself in a positive way and promote yourself with conviction.

I think parenting is the most difficult role we have as adults. Sure, we might have tough decisions to make about our careers, our relationships, our lifestyle. But nothing compares to the anxiety we have about raising our children.  We want the best for our children. We want our children to be happy and successful and there is no clear road map on how to accomplish this.

I read an interesting article by Lisa Gottlieb in the July/August issue of The Atlantic, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy. What was of particular interest to me in her article was how we, as parents, try to provide the perfectly happy childhood for our children and actually make it harder for them to grow up. In fact, Gottlieb says that in our efforts to boost our children’s self-esteem, we are actually causing more anxiety and depression and lower self-esteem.

How does this happen? According to the author and her quoted experts, we give our children an inflated view of their specialness. We are constantly telling them how special and talented they are because we live in a culture where everyone wins and gets a trophy. Our goal is to have happy and self-confident children, and yet, we are protecting them from accurate feedback.

I was particularly interested in what the article says about how we affect our children’s self-image because I now coach many adults who want to advance their careers and promote themselves but seem to have lost their connection to their value and talent.

Could it be, in fact, that we were told as children how talented we were when we knew in our gut that this was not always accurate? Could it be that we received constant praise that we felt was not deserved? Perhaps we got the trophy for “Most Improved” soccer player because everyone had to get a trophy.  Maybe at the time we were even a little embarrassed to get the trophy. We knew that we stunk at soccer so what was all the fuss about? In other words, we felt that the praise was unjustified and we didn’t really have the talent at all.

If everything becomes special, than nothing is special in the end.

The author says, “the irony is that measures of self-esteem are poor predictors of how content a person will be, especially if the self-esteem comes from constant accommodation and praise rather than earned accomplishment. “

The message here is that what we need to focus on for ourselves (and our children as well) is what truly makes us wonderful and unique. What have been our earned accomplishments (because we all have some!)? If we make false claims, our efforts at promoting ourselves will not be authentic and will backfire. We will lose our belief in ourselves and will, therefore, have difficulty communicating our value to others.

Think hypothetically about receiving a trophy you knew you didn’t deserve and how you would feel. Now shift gears and think about winning a trophy for your earned accomplishments and successes.

Every day every one of us deserves a trophy for something that we actually accomplished.

What was your trophy for today?

We now live in a transparent world. Our personal and professional stories reside on the internet and will remain there in perpetuity. Our resumes, our profiles, our photos, videos, testimonials will endure long after our lifetime.

It seems that everyone knows everything about you. But how well do you know yourself? Are you living an authentic life?

We all have core values that define the essence of who we are. Quite simply, mine are based on the importance I place on my family and friends and living an active, healthy lifestyle. Other important values are integrity, respect, good work ethic. Once I define my core values, I can ask myself how well does my life align with these values? For, in fact, to live an authentic life, I should make my decisions based on these values.

By example, I may have a choice to go kayaking with friends or stay at home and eat a big bowl of ice cream (mmmmm!) The choice that best aligns with my personal core values is kayaking with friends. If I choose to eat the ice cream instead, it would not align with the value I place on living an active healthy lifestyle. I might enjoy the ice cream, but probably wouldn’t feel very good about myself afterwards. That decision would not be in alignment with my core values; the essence of who I am.

Another example may be that you are asked to take a long business trip for your company and as a result, you will miss an important family event. You agree to go on the trip, but don’t feel good about yourself because you value your family more. (We are always faced with these types of decisions and in fact, we don’t always feel we have a choice).

The point is that in order to live an authentic life,  our core values should drive all our actions and decisions. When our decisions are in alignment with these values, we are living an authentic life and feel good about ourselves.

So how do you stay on track? The first step is to identify your core values and write them down. When you are faced with tough decisions (this is unavoidable as we face them everyday), look at your list of values. Understand that you will feel the best about yourself when your decision aligns with your values. Understand also, that you may not always feel you can make the choice that is best aligned with your values. When this occurs, we are making sacrifices and don’t always feel good about ourselves as a result.

Your core values are not only the foundation of who you are, but also your best road map to living an authentic life; a life in which you feel great about yourself and your decisions.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a prima ballerina. I loved to dance and was fortunate enough to take ballet lessons a few times a week. In my mind, I was on my way to becoming a professional dancer. In fact, I took my ballet shoes with me wherever I went and offered to dance for anyone without hesitation. I had no preconceived notions about my limitations. I had the passion and talent and believed anything was possible.

But somewhere along the way, I received messages that being a ballerina was not for me. I did not have the” right”  body type and certainly the lifestyle of a professional dancer was extremely challenging. The point is that all that energy and passion for dancing; all my dreams of being a prima ballerina were squashed. I no longer believed that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I began to see my life in terms of limitations.

We build our persona or our identity based on what we believe we can or can’t do. In fact, these beliefs define our lives and predict our future. We become prisoners of our own perceived limitations.

How tough would it be for you to push aside your limiting beliefs and open yourself up to a new world of possibilities?

How difficult would it be to listen to your true inner voice and find your passion and purpose in life?

In this inspiring video, Caroline Casey asks, “Why are you fighting so hard not to be yourself?” Her key message is that we pretend to be something we’re not because we lost our belief in ourselves.

Believing in yourself without limitations, without labels, allows you to be the best you can be. Are you up for the challenge?

Watch Caroline and let me know.

Click here to watch.

Our thoughts have the ability to create our reality and it is our daily challenge to put aside negativity and focus on a positive attitude.

There are many techniques that people use to re-frame the negative into positive affirmations and with consistent practice, these methods help us to create the positive life we desire.

Controlling our negative thoughts is not an easy task. One method I suggest is the use of language. When we use positive powerful words, these words can affect our subconscious mind and help to reprogram  our negative beliefs. Word choices such as “I will” instead of “I’ll try” for instance make a powerful statement of intent.

Positive self talk is an important vehicle to building self-esteem and self-confidence. Often we are more comfortable dismissing praise and putting ourselves down.  What do these negative statements do to our self-esteem? Why not practice positive self-talk instead?

Follow this routine for 30 days and I guarantee that you will begin to see the difference in your self-confidence.

1. Begin with journaling. Make daily entries about your accomplishments, big and small.
2. Answer these questions. “What makes me unique?”. “What are my strengths?”  “How have these strengths helped me in the past or in my current job?”
3. Review your journal entries of recent accomplishments to connect with your talent and value.  What can you truly brag about? What do these successes say about you?
4. Create a personal “bragging” statement. Be authentic and positive. Print out the statement and keep it visible so that you can refer to it often. Recite it out loud daily. “This is me.” “This is what makes me special.”

Positive self-talk is an important component to successful self-promotion.

Practice the above mentioned routine daily for 30 days and see the difference it will make in your self-esteem and self-confidence.

May Group Teleclass: The Power of Positive Self-Talk

In this fun and interactive group class series you will:

• Explore your limiting beliefs around positive self-talk. What holds you back?
• Connect with your own value and talent. What makes you unique?
• Practice positive self-talk to build self-esteem and self-confidence. It really works!

Classes will be held consecutive Tuesday evenings 7-8pm EDT starting May 5th.

$125 for three one hour sessions. Workbook included.

Register online: http://womenssuccesscoaching.com/services/group-coaching

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