Are You A Disappearing Woman?

April 15, 2012 · Posted in relationship building and women, self-esteem, Women in Business · 1 Comment 

I got married right after college. I had never lived on my own.  I had no idea who I was. I knew that I wanted a career. I wanted a family. I wanted it all.

Well, the family came quickly and I had two children, but then I began to feel very unfulfilled. I loved being a mom, but knew that I needed more in my life in terms of my “own thing”. I was lost and unfortunately, because I lost myself in this marriage, I ended up divorcing my husband.

I can’t be too hard on myself. After all, I saw my mom give up much of her identity in her marriage to my father. It was my role model. She built her life around him, his family, his friends and it worked fairly well. I think they had a good enough marriage, but I wanted more in my life and I had no idea where to begin to find myself.

In her Huffington Post article, author, Vicki Larsen addresses this.  She quotes Psychoanalyst Beverly Engel, author of Loving Him Without Losing Yourself, who calls this the Disappearing Woman — what happens when women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what’s important to them and what makes them happy just because they happen to be in a relationship.

No matter how successful, assertive, or powerful some women are, the moment they become involved with a man they begin to give up part of themselves — their social life, their time alone, their spiritual practice, their beliefs and values. In time, these women find they have merged their lives with their partners’ to the point where they have no life to go back to when and if the relationship ends.

Why can’t we stay true to ourselves in a relationship? Engel says that we want to be nice because we’ve learned that being nice is important in order to sustain a relationship. Engel says,

She’ll pretend to agree when she doesn’t really agree, she’ll go along with things she doesn’t really believe in, and if she does that long enough, she’ll no longer know what she feels.

Author Larsen says,

How many women do you know who will break plans or give up a favorite activity for a guy? Not that it’s not OK to do that from time to time or for certain situations; it’s just that somehow in the togetherness of coupledom too many of us forget to have a life of our own. Instead, we look to our partner to fulfill all our needs — and get frustrated and resentful when he doesn’t. Then we see the problem as something wrong with him, and not us.

What are your thoughts? Are we just fulfilling the nice girl syndrome or is it that we don’t have a clear picture of our identity and core essence as a woman before we enter a relationship?

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Is Your Self-Esteem Based on the Products You Buy?

July 25, 2011 · Posted in creativity, life lessons, self-esteem, Success, Women in Business · Comment 

Did you know that if you use an Apple computer, you may actually be more creative because the Apple brand stands for creativity?
Did you know that using a generic cell phone battery can make you feel less attractive than a name brand?

Honestly, I had no idea any of this was true. So I was very surprised when I read this article by Heidi Grant Halvorsan in Huffington Post this week about how our use of certain brands can have an impact on our behavior and self-esteem.

I have always thought that when we have a strong foundation of core values, our self-esteem is less influenced by external factors. A strong sense of self is like our rudder in a storm; always keeping us on track and focused. The studies cited in this article, however, demonstrate that we can be easily distracted and set off course by simply using generic versus well-known trusted brands.

Most of us assume that this sort of thing stops in childhood — when being given the less expensive version of the toy, sneakers or designer jeans you really wanted is a source of embarrassment as well as disappointment. These studies suggest that as adults we continue to unconsciously see our own worth to some extent as a function of whether or not we buy, or are given, the “good version” of the products we use.

What do you think? Do you feel more attractive wearing designer clothes? I know this was definitely true for me at one point in time. My wardrobe contributed to my sense of accomplishment and I admit I probably felt more attractive. Now I feel better if I find a bargain and save money. The savings makes me feel better about myself.

What’s the message here? Should I now coach all my clients to buy only the best recognized brands if they want to increase their self-esteem? If they want to be creative, do they need to buy an Apple computer? Are we really that easily influenced or is it because we don’t have a strong sense of self and self-worth that we can be swayed by such seemingly shallow actions? Or is it that these products have done such an amazing job convincing us that their brand will change our lives for the better?

I’m really not sure that we need to buy the most expensive and the  “best version” of every products to feel better about ourselves. Maybe just being aware of the impact that advertising has on us is enough.

What are your thoughts? How strong is your sense of self-worth connected to the products you purchase?

Is it possible to discover and connect with your own values regardless of the brands you use?

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