It’s our nature as women due to our upbringing to defer to others and consider others before ourselves. And we need to understand how this type of behavior can sabotage our careers; how being a nice girl result in you being invisible in the workplace; how you can lose respect and you may be perceived by others as not being competent. The nice girl syndrome will hold you back from leadership positions.

Featured Guest

My guest today, Dr. Lois Frankel, will help us to define the nice girl syndrome, understand why this type of behavior sabotages our careers, and what steps we can take to change our behavior. President of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California consulting firm, Dr. Frankel literally wrote the book on coaching people to succeed in businesses large and small around the globe and she is associated with helping women overcome their Nice girl behavior. Her books Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, and Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It, co-authored with Carol Frohlinger, are great resources for women who want to win the respect and success they deserve. Sought-after as a public speaker, Dr. Frankel is among the top names of international speakers. She has appeared on The Today Show, Larry King Live, CNN, and Fox News and been featured in USA Today, People magazine, and The Wall Street Journal. Drop Dead Diva creator, Josh Berman, has optioned the rights to all three nice girls books for a comedy series. For more information about Dr. Frankel’s books, speaking topics and services, please visit her website, www.drloisfrankel.com.

Listen or download the January 30, 2012 show.

For the past two weeks, the focus of this blog has been how you would handle a situation at work when someone takes credit for your idea. Unfortunately, this happens quite frequently according to many of my readers, and their responses demonstrated a  wide range of communication styles from passive to direct and assertive.

Communication experts agree the clearest, most productive and most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly, which is assertive communication. This type of communication allows for the potential for people to also communicate openly and honestly with you.

Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “l” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others. 

It is important to note is that women who communicate in a direct and clear manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!

There is a new study from Stanford Graduate School of Business http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/news/research/womencareerresearchbyoreilly.html  that shows in the business world, women who are aggressive, assertive, and confident but who can turn these traits on and off, depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women.

This is certainly encouraging, yet I find that learning to assert oneself appropriately in the workplace still remains an issue for many women. One of the most effective ways to communicate confidence is to use assertive communication and many women find this challenging. Part of the problem is the lack of confidence to use “I” statements in assertive communication, (that goes against some of the lessons we have learned about always putting others first).

Here are some tips and guidelines to build your assertive communication skills.

1. Visualize the person you want to be. How would that person behave and communicate? Do you currently exhibit this behavior and what do you have to change?
2. Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about the way you are coming across. This would be a great discussion with a mentor as well.
3. Practice using “I” statements. Stay true to your feelings without blaming others.
4. State your opinions clearly.
5. Accept compliments with grace. Say “thank you”. It’s simple but somehow we always find the need to give credit to others or discredit the compliment. Give example of someone saying you did a good job and you say the team did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.
6. Practice giving your opinion at least once during every meeting.
7. Make it a goal to speak during every meeting.
8. Practice saying “no!” especially when people (your boss or direct reports) delegate inappropriately to you. Don’t fall into the trap of taking on the work when it’s not appropriate.
9. Ask for what you need. No one knows everything and the best leaders are those that acknowledge this. Not asking for what you need may sabotage your efforts in the long run.
10. Practice expressing your opinion clearly and confronting issues head-on using “I” statements. Avoid the inclination to backpedal and negate your true feelings.
11. Build your self-confidence and stay focused on your value. This gives you the courage to communicate effectively. Make sure you are balancing your communication style so that it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
12. Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.
13. Do your homework. When you are negotiating for a raise or asking for a promotion, have all the history and facts about your specific accomplishments and how they have impacted the business. Use benefit language that includes specific outcome and results rather than your effort involved.

My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.

How many times have you said to yourself that you have to write a book to help you promote your business and speaking, but you keep putting it off? It seems overwhelming. Where do I start? Do I even know if this book will help my business? Today we are going to discuss specifically how to plan and write a book that will help your business with my guest, Sophfronia Scott.

Featured Guest

Sophfronia Scott helps entrepreneurs and speakers to write and publish books to market their businesses. She is the author of the bestselling award-winning book, Doing Business By the Book: How to Craft a Crowd-Pleasing Book and Attract More Clients and Speaking Engagements Than You Ever Thought Possible. Her latest book is How the Fierce Handle Fear: Secrets to Succeeding in Challenging Times. Sophronia’s website: http://www.doneforyouwriting.com

Listen to the January 23rd, 2012 show.

My blog last week posed a theoretical situation to all of you about a woman who was very excited about an idea she had to move a stale project forward for her department. She shared her idea with a colleague at lunch and the colleague ended up presenting the proposal as her own at the senior staff meeting. So my question to all of you was what would you do? Would you let it pass? Would you confront her?

I want to thank all of you who sent responses. Thank you for your honesty,  and  thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this important subject.

I think most of you would admit that you would be pretty angry and feel betrayed. Yet some of your responses indicated that you would let it go and not say anything.

Nancy shared this. “As far as the stolen idea goes, I would do nothing.  It will eventually come out and you will be rewarded.  If you scramble about who came up with the idea, you will just seem sort of..  I don’t know the right word.  Also your co- worker knows that it was you.  Besides the work is for the team right?”

Barbara offered this generous thought. “ I find that when I get into a situation that seems to rob me of my triumph the best thing to do is bless the person who stole the idea.  Most likely she didn’t do it on purpose.  We all can get great ideas.  If I remain secure in my identity than this situation won’t rock my boat.”

Some of you would not directly confront your colleague, but would instead choose to address it with senior management later or simply let the truth reveal itself.

Chantay shared that this exact situation did happen to her and this is what she did. “ I allowed her to get the credit yet later on while alone with my boss, I told him the truth.  How I made the suggestion and she stole it.  He found her actions amusing.  He was fully aware of my character and work performance, he believed and accepted every word I spoke.  I just communicated the facts.  It all worked out in my favor. Originally he thought what she did was fabulous, a great example of an employee going the extra mile.  Afterwards he found her not so great which was his original opinion before this incident.“  Chantay also added that she refrained from having lunch with her co-worker after that.

Margaret added this. “It happened to me. Unfortunately for my male colleague he couldn’t come up with a suitable proposal or implementation plan and was caught when he confessed it wasn’t his idea or vision and so ended with egg on his face. I volunteered to do the project myself and no one lifted a finger because they knew that was my area of specialization. I just did not belabor the point that I was the expert.”

Balaji had a similar situation several years ago. “Fortunately, I was crazy enough to document the idea on email & share it with someone else as well; just to get feedback! Fortunately, that’s what saved me. After the meeting, I approached the senior management & informed them of the blatant plagiarism by my colleague & took the emails as evidence. The director sent out a correction in the weekly email, acknowledging me for the idea & the “colleague” was moved out to a different department, with a note to the HR. If not for that email conversation with another colleague, I probably would have still been cribbing. The lesson that this has taught me is to document official discussions, of any kind, on email!

There were also some responses that showed a more assertive approach.

Loretta shared this. “ I too am very creative by nature and someone who gets lots of ideas. I have more than once found myself in a situation where I have not gotten credit for a pivotal idea. I try really hard now to get my ideas in writing right away, like in an email to my supervisor, so I have a dated paper trail I can bring up when I claim an idea. I am very vigilant about acknowledging other people’s good ideas and also their input into my ideas, as in truth it is that synergy that I enjoy most, but I am not shy about claiming ideas are mine when they are and insisting that I be given credit for them when warranted.”

Jacqueline added this.” My initial thought would be to let the colleague speak about “her” idea, and then when she was done, stand up and say something like:  Thank you, (insert name here), for that great synopsis.  However, please allow me to elaborate on this idea which I presented to you yesterday.  I had envisioned this and maybe even that, etc. Hate the thought of someone else getting credit for my own creative ideas!”

Michelle sent in this response. “I would have immediately chimed in, saying “Yes, and when we were talking about this yesterday (claiming at least partial ownership), I suggested to Diane that we approach it in this manner.” That way, you’re not in a “she stole my idea” situation, which reflects poorly on both of you (you for whining, and her for stealing), but instantly connects you to the idea and allows you to further lead the discussion, establishing a leadership position, when she likely brings nothing else to the table.”

 Rebecca added this.  “Allow your co-worker to conclude. If you are not acknowledged then diplomatically add to comments indirectly reprimanding your colleague. it was your idea and add credibility by stressing on pro’s and cons of the strategy. Say something to the effect of…”Thank you Mr/Ms X I couldn’t have presented the proposal better.  The strategy was inspired by… I brought the plan to Mr X on Saturday and we discussed this at great length. We may have issues maneuvering with…(id them) and will need to monitor these, however, I feel that (outline factors) this makes for a strong case to really get traction on this project.”

Then Rebecca added this honest statement. “Having said that, I don’t think I’d be gutsy enough to pull this off…I’d probably go away and mope around a bit then not make the same mistake to disclose inspirations in future.”

Thank you so much Rebecca for your honesty!

Honestly, how many of you could think of ways to handle this directly yet choose not to do it because you lack the courage or self-confidence to do so? If so, do you then do what Rebecca says she would do, go away and mope?

The bottom line is that we all have our own communication style with which we are comfortable. Yet it’s important to realize that what we are comfortable with may not always be the best approach for our emotional and physical well-being, and it may also be sabotaging our careers.

Organizations reward employees for their positive contributions and women need to present themselves as competent and confident or they risk becoming invisible and losing respect.

We can learn to successfully balance assertive behavior which demonstrates this competence with kindness, niceness and helpfulness.

Next week, I will present some specific techniques on how to utilize assertive communication techniques that will help you get what you need in your personal and professional life.

It’s vitally important that we have visibility in order to get more clients and get promoted at work. What is the best way to do that? Where do we begin? My guest, PR Expert Lisa Elia will give us valuable advice on how we can position ourselves in the marketplace to sell our products and services and promote our expertise in the workplace.

Featured Guest

Lisa Elia is a publicist, media trainer and CEO and founder of Lisa Elia Public Relations, a full-service PR firm in Los Angeles. She has secured placements for her clients in major media outlets, such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, Time Magazine, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, CNN, Redbook, In Style and hundreds of others. She has positioned clients for book deals, endorsement deals, positions as contributing editors to magazines and even their own TV shows. As an entrepreneur herself for over 20 years, Lisa speaks at many events for entrepreneurs, sharing tips on publicity, internal communications, positioning oneself as an expert and a variety of other topics. She has created programs to teach people how to do their own PR and to improve their on-camera presence. For information about the many programs and services Lisa Elia, please visit her website, www.lisaeliapr.com.

Listen to the December 26th show.

I’m a list maker. Are you? I get tremendous satisfaction creating my to-do list and crossing off items as they are accomplished. In fact, I start every day with a new list that has everything I want to do for my business as well as some personal tasks. (Go to the bank, write a new blog, follow up with a coaching client, run to Trader Joes, pick up dry cleaning, etc.)

Now this time of year the list gets very complicated for not only does it all have of the above details, it also has holiday gifts for family and friends as well as a calendar full of social events. Trying to keep up with all the holiday madness on top of normal business is a challenge. I get stressed just thinking about it.

It dawned on me this morning as I was putting my list together for today that nowhere on my list is ME! And perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves this holiday season is to take care of ourselves as well as our loved ones. Have you even thought about this? What will you do for yourself this holiday season?

Here are some simple suggestions to maintain your sanity and well-being:

1. Learn to say “no”.

As many events begin to fill in your calendar, focus on your energy and make good decisions about which events to attend and which to decline.

2. Avoid the “what can I bring?” offer.

If you’re like me and love to bake and cook, you probably make this generous offer a lot. How can I turn down someone asking for my special chocolate cake?  Refer to tip number one and offer to pick up something instead.

3. Outsource when appropriate.

It can be a great gift to yourself to hire someone to clean your house or do the dishes if you are having a large party. Think about ways to reserve your time and energy.

4. Keep up your exercise routine.

When we are consume more calories at one meal than we might in one month, we need to burn those calories! Plus exercise boosts are serotonin levels and helps us to maintain our energy.

5. Schedule some quiet time for yourself.

Whether or not you are into meditation, just being alone for a few minutes a day can be extremely relaxing. It helps us clarify our thoughts and focus on what’s important. Holidays can bring lots of stress as well as joy.

6. Focus on gratitude.

It’s a time to be with family and friends and a wonderful time to be grateful for all the wonderful people in our lives.

For more tips on how to keep your life in balance, listen to my conversation with Marilyn Tam on How to Live the Life of Your Dreams on GPS Your Career Radio, Monday, December 12th.

I have a power point slide in many of my keynote presentations that states Confidence = Competence. When this slide appears, it’s always an “ah-hah” moment for many people in the audience. Isn’t it true though? When you present yourself with confidence, people assume you are competent.

Think about your own purchasing decisions. Would you be willing to purchase a product or service from someone who lacks confidence; who stumbles through their sales presentation and seems unprepared and anxious? You would no doubt hesitate unless you felt sorry for them. (Not a good reason to buy, by the way.) You hesitate in this case because you believe that when a person lacks confidence in their presentation, they may lack competence. As an entrepreneur, it’s important to understand this when selling your own products and services.

Now, I’m not saying it’s necessarily true. It’s just our perception. But the perception is important because that is what people base their decisions on.

Maybe you’re not an entrepreneur, but a woman with ambition to get ahead in her organization. You are talented and gifted and produce great results, but when it comes to presenting those results, speaking up in meetings, you fumble and stammer. Do you come across as a potential leader? Probably not!

I’m not a proponent of faking confidence. I’ve read some articles that say “fake it until you make it.” I’m against this tactic because authenticity is so important in our presentation. It is, in fact, this connection with our authentic selves and the value that we offer that is the foundation of the confidence we need in order to present ourselves as competent. This authenticity inspires trust and it’s vital for our success in business.

I do a lot of speaking now about the topic of understanding your value because I believe until we understand and connect with our unique gifts and value proposition, we will continue to lack the confidence to present ourselves as competent.

Do you understand your unique value or the value that your products and services offer?

Starting January 10^th, I am be offering a four week group coaching program that will take you on a journey of self-discovery to understand your value and better position yourself to grow your business or advance your career. This four week program will be done via phone and participants will receive four hours of coaching, valuable worksheets and exercises as well as feedback from a group of like-minded professionals. Each participant will also receive mp3 recordings of every class.

Check out my website, for more information! And be one of 10 lucky women to take this journey. The group will be limited to 10 so please register now.

Women DO ask for promotions and raises but they still lag behind men in compensation and position. The latest Catalyst study, The Myth of the Ideal Worker: Does Doing All the Right Things Really Get Women Ahead?, dispels the myth that women are not proactive in advancing their careers. After following 3,000 high potential MBA graduates, Catalyst found that doing all the “right things” such as being proactive, requesting high profile assignments, and asking for promotions and raises, did not significantly help women advance their careers.

Examining different career strategies, Catalyst found that the common proactive strategies that high-potential women often adopt to advance their careers did not work in their favor. Quite simply, men outpace women in both advancement and compensation. The gender gap in pay and position still exists despite women’s efforts to negotiate for better pay and placement.

Here are some of the key findings:

Women seem to be paid for proven performance—women who changed jobs two or more times post-MBA earned $53,472 less than women who rose through the ranks at their first job.

In contrast, men seem to be paid for potential—men who had moved on from their first post-MBA job earned $13,743 more than those who stayed with their first employer.

Across all career profiles, men were more likely to reach senior executive/CEO positions than women; in the most proactive category, 21% of men advanced to leadership compared with 11% of women.

What I find especially important in the study is Catalyst’s recommendation for career advancement.

The same strategies don’t work equally well for men and women. Women must adopt strategies different from their male colleagues’ to advance their careers. When women were proactive in making their achievements known, they advanced further, increased their compensation growth, and were more satisfied with their careers. They also advanced further when they proactively networked with influential others. (my underline)

So let me ask you, how well do you think you communicate your achievements?

Have you identified your web of influence (your power network) and do you consistently communicate with this network to keep them apprised of your accomplishments?

Learning how to effectively articulate your achievements is not about bragging. It’s about YOU connecting with the VALUE  you bring to your organization. It’s about how your value benefits the organization; how YOU impact the bottom line.

Once you are able to do this well to your internal and external network, people will better understand what you have to offer.  As the Catalyst study suggests, this is paramount to advancing your career in today’s workplace environment.

If you would like improve your ability to do this well, I will be offering a full day workshop, GPS Your Career Day, in Boston in the beginning of December (exact date and location TBD), AND a four week coaching group, GPS Your Career Group, starting in January.

Email me if you would like more information.

If you have an interest in advancing women’s leadership in the corporate sector or perhaps advancing your own career, you should read McKinsey’s latest report, Changing Companies Minds about Business.

This important report speaks to the fact that there has been little progress of women to senior leadership and board positions in corporate America despite what appear to be significant initiatives to do so.

What are we missing? Why despite a solid business case tying women’s leadership to improved bottom line performance are we still stuck? Is anyone listening?

There is still much to do to change the invisible barriers that still exist and according to the McKinsey report, it’s not an easy task to change the mind set of managers that block the way for women’s advancement. Much of this bias towards women still remains under the covers.

Some companies have been successful in changing their corporate culture. Companies such as Pitney Bowes, Time Warner and Shell have taken what McKinsey calls a “hard edged” approach with specific metrics and targets. These initiatives started and supported from the  top are changing the work environment with clearly defined goals and accountability. The efforts of these companies demonstrate that to affect real change a consistent targeted approach is necessary.

What can we do? The McKinsey report recommends “making it personal”.

Make no mistake. As a senior executive, you are already influencing your company’s approach. If you’re not paying attention to the issue of women’s advancement, you’re ensuring that things won’t change.

Women need to support and sponsor other women to the top.

The report also cites the importance of building a business case about the positive impact women are having in your organization, “whether hard business results or indirect results, such as building better teams”.

Build a business case for yourself.

You can take responsibility for your own credibility and success by understanding what value you bring to the organization, your contribution to business results, and learning how to communicate this to key people within your organization.

Take the McKinsey example. Do you build better teams? What that means to the organization is these teams are more productive and directly affect net income by completing more projects each quarter. Or maybe, these teams are also loyal as well as productive and therefore, are less likely to resign. This means the company spends less on employee acquisition and training.

We all need to do our part to help advance women in the workplace if we want to affect change. We also need to take responsibility for our own advancement.

This fall, I am starting two new projects to help women advance their careers and successfully navigate the corporate environment. GPS Your Career Day and GPS Your Career Group are both designed to help you uncover and understand the value you bring to your organization as well as effectively communicate your value to key people.

GPS Your Career Day is an intense full day program and GPS Your Career Group is a 6 week group coaching program. Both are limited to 10 participants.

If you are interested in learning about one or both of these programs, please email me. I am in the process now of finalizing the plans for the launch.

Look out world! My theme for this year is to re-energize my life!  And because it’s my theme for the year, any decisions I make will be evaluated with this theme in mind to determine if I am truly aligned and making choices that support my goal.

I must say that just the process of identifying this theme has already given me more energy, but more importantly, it has helped to me evaluate what in my life right now is draining my energy. I’m sharing this process with you because I feel so strongly that most of the time we don’t realize what deflates us; what brings us down. And if we do recognize it, sometimes we don’t even have the energy to deal with it.

This blog is not about being a super woman or super mom. As women we often take on too much and don’t give ourselves a break when we don’t meet our own expectations. This post is about energy. What fuels our energy? What drains our energy?

Where are your energy leaks?

1. Work

Are you doing the type of work that fuels your energy; that validates your sense of accomplishment? Because we spend much of our lives working, this is SO important. Key questions to ask yourself are:

• Do I look forward to going to work?
• Am I tired before the work day begins?
• Do I procrastinate completing projects? (this could be due to other factors as well)
• Do I enjoy the people I work with?
• Do I feel respected at work?
• Do I spend more time being frustrated than fulfilled?

2. Personal Relationships

Our personal relationships provide a support system for us, but how much of our time and energy is spent supporting others?

• Do I get the support I need from my friends and family?
• How much time do I spend in relationships that drain my energy?
• Who are the people in my life that give me energy and support?

3. Lifestyle Choices

• Am I getting enough exercise?
• Does my diet reflect healthy choices that provide me with the energy I need to support my lifestyle? (P.S. Caffeine is not the answer)
• Do I take time out for myself on a regular basis to recharge my batteries?
• Do I have a hobby or sport that I participate in that rejuvenates me?
• Is my home environment organized and functional or am I always struggling to keep up?
• Why do I live where I live? Do I spend too much time commuting? Is it worth it?

I know from my own perspective as I evaluate new work projects this year I will look very carefully at the type of work to determine if it aligns with my talent and strengths. Though it is sometimes difficult to turn down opportunities, I know how toxic it can be to choose projects that drain my energy and leave me feeling deflated in the process. I already have plans for a new website, a new radio show, a book and much more. Stay tuned!

I will look to spend more time with the people in my life who stimulate me intellectually and inspire me to be the best I can be. That’s a great energy source.

Let me ask you: What drains your energy? How can you re-energize your life going forward?